Friends 9 year old Daughter - Parenting Issues Message Board

RubyTuez · 10-17-2003, 11:18 PM

I have a very close friend, who depends on me for good advice. She hasn't had an easy life, having her daughter at 18 and being divorced before her daughter was one. Her husband ran off with her best friend later. The clock rolls forward and she raises her daughter to the age of 4 with the help of her family. She's dated a few guys, but meets a guy that acts very sweet and in very interested in activites with her daughter. Now its 5 years later and she's realized that his intial efforts were to court her. He grew completely possesive of her to the point that she has to sneak around to have any friends. This guy still provides for her daughter, lavishes her with gifts, and does care for her. But he has not taken the role of this missing father, essentially he the fun adult in the house. She makes ure her daughter's homework is done and the chores are complete and so forth. The real problem she is having is, that she no longer wants to be with this guy, but she is so concerned for her daugther happiness. She feels her daughter see this guy as #1 in her world. She never she here self marrying this person, but she wants to find that someone in her life. She's asked me what she should do, but their are so many factors.
In one way I can see how see doesn't want to destroy this world here daughter lives in the is all perfect and nice, but on the other hand she's not telling her daughter the truth and leaves herself in a mentally abuse relationship (although never blown up in front of her daughter). I really appreciates anyone else's thoughts on this.

kslittledevil · 10-18-2003, 07:28 AM

The best advice to be given is to get out of that relationship before the mental abuse becomes physical. She will need to sit down and talk to her daughter about her decision.

RubyTuez · 10-18-2003, 09:51 AM

I agree too, but how do I make her realize that its for her daughters long term happiness. My wife and I don't have any children right now, so I get shot down with "Well if you had children you'd understand" I understand its a defense reaction by her, she feels her motherhood is in question, even though she won;t admit it.

kslittledevil · 10-18-2003, 10:42 AM

I was in a similar except my daughter was 6 weeks old and this was physical abuse along with mental and emotional and it happened over 13 years ago. It is hard being single mom and trying your best to raise a child. I was 19 when I had my daughter and the physical abuse was so bad and he was threatening my life after I left him that I let my parents adopt my daughter. It was the best decision for the time. I did meet and marry my current husband and even though we have our ups and downs like any other couple, I don't have to worry about him hurting me or my 2 girls. No you may not have any children, but you are looking out for your friends well being along with her daughter's. The best decision I ever made was leaving an abusive relationship. There is help available for those who want it and you might want to let her know that you will be there for her and her child. This is a decision she will have to make but please be there for her especially if she doesn't have family support and continue to encourage her to leave.

kslittledevil · 10-18-2003, 10:44 AM

Let her read this if you want