bully for a friend -- what should I do? - Parenting Issues Message Board

CCmakes3 · 10-13-2003, 09:05 PM

My 9 year old son is having a problem with a kid at school who has severe behavior problems. Although he considers my son his "best friend" and is totally obsessed with him, he is very physically and verbally abusive toward him, kicking him in the crotch and calling him filthy names. He also exposes himself on the playground and talks about all of the porn sites he visits on the internet.

After using my son as a physical and verbal punching bag all day, he comes up to me and kisses my a$$ when I come to pick him up, asking when he can come over to our house. I have told him that I do not let my son play with kids who mistreat him, but he just denies it and later asks my son why his mom is "so mean." He calls every night asking to come over and even rode his bike over here uninvited one day (he lives more than a mile away and apparently was left unsupervised). My husband and I screen the calls but we can't do much about the guilt trip he gives our son at school.

Don't get me wrong....I work with kids with behavior problems and truly have a soft spot in my heart for them, but this kid is a sociopath. I have explained to my son that this kid is troubled and tried to encourage him to just walk away, but my son feels guilty because this kid has no other "friends." He is very juvenile and babyish when he is not coming after my son like a pit bull, and apparently he switches between the two like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, so the teachers really haven't even seen very much of the aggressive behavior. He is very manipulative.

I've talked to my son's teacher and the school psychologist, who have tried to institute a behavior program with this kid, but it's not making any difference. The kid is totally clueless about why my son is giving him the cold shoulder, even though my son comes right out and tells him, "I don't want to be your friend because you hit me and call me names." The kid just cries or denies it altogether. When I come to pick up my son, this kid will grab him and scream "No, don't go, don't go!" Truly sociopathic.

So, I guess I'm just wondering, at what point do I call this kid's parents and ask for their assistance? I hate to be a "meddlesome mom," but I feel that my son and I have pretty much exhausted all of the coping mechanisms we can come up with. My son is actually comfortable just walking away from him at school and isn't afraid of him, but he's troubled by the constant, desperate attempts to salvage the friendship and requests to come over to our house. My son is very sensitive and feels sorry for the kid, so he usually just ends up playing with this kid until the abuse starts and then walking away.

Anyone have any ideas for how to get this kid to leave my son alone???

[This message has been edited by CCmakes3 (edited 10-14-2003).]

kslittledevil · 10-14-2003, 06:41 AM

It sounds like you need to call this kids parents and depending on the response call your local family and children services department. This is not normal behaviour and it sounds like this child needs help. It makes me wonder if he sees this kind of abuse or neglect at home. I hope not.

CCmakes3 · 10-14-2003, 07:48 AM

Thanks, kslittle*****. I was thinking I should call them but I don't want to sound like one of those parents who thinks their kid is "too good" for everyone else. Sometimes I just feel like I need a "reality check" from other parents!

I've met the mom briefly and she seems very passive. She kind of bent over backwards to be sweet and ingratiating but didn't acknowledge her son's behavior, which I'm sure she knows about because the school has contacted her. Several months ago she called to invite my son to her son's birthday party. I asked my son if he wanted to go and he said yes (probably because it was at Chuck E. Cheese!), so I let him go. (Plus, the mom sounded so pathetic and hopeful that I felt sorry for her.) My son said he was the only kid there besides a sister and a cousin.

I do feel sorry for the kid but after a year of trying to tolerate the situation it's really messing with my son's head, and it's becoming clear that my son isn't going to be able to "save" this kid.

I have a conference with the teacher next week so I will mention the supervision issue to her and see what she thinks as well. Thanks again.

momof3mjt · 10-14-2003, 05:39 PM

If it continues, I would ask for a meeting with the principal and the teacher. Tell them what has been going on again and ask what they are going to do about it. This child sounds like he is getting to the stalking point, and your child needs to know that he can feel safe at school and at home.

You might also ask if you can have a meeting with the childs parents, the teacher and the principal, possibly even the school psychologist to see if there is some way to work this out without hurting either child.
Parents of kids with special needs have rights, but so do parents of the regular education kids.

good luck! let us know how it goes!
Lindy

[This message has been edited by momof3mjt (edited 10-14-2003).]

CCmakes3 · 10-15-2003, 09:48 PM

Thanks, Lindy! I am feeling less like an "uppity mother" now and more confident about addressing this problem! I don't want to say that the school has brushed me off, because the teacher really did sound heartsick about it when I talked to her and the psychologist sounded downright disgusted. But I do feel that I didn't get much "action" on the problem, probably because my son is the biggest kid in the class and this kid who's intimidating him is about the smallest. But it's the emotional scars that are taking a toll. I really want my son to be assertive and stand up for himself, which is why I've been doing a lot of problem-solving and role playing with him at home, but he's only 9, for cryin' out loud! It's so heartbreaking to see him get so excited when we come up with a solution and then come home depressed the next day because it didn't work. I have to admit I fall into the same trap as everyone else by treating him like he's older and probably expecting too much out of him, just because he's a big kid who's pretty mellow and generally respectful of authority. But he's still immature in a lot of ways, and he needs my protection. Thanks again for the advice!