Feel like a failure - Parenting Issues Message Board

rrsmom · 10-22-2003, 11:57 AM

I have a 4 yo son. He is bright, sweet when he wants to be. But I find myself comparing him to my friends kids all the time. He is just not as well behaved as them. He rarely sits still at a restaurant and acts up (loud, goofy, attention getting stuff) mostly when we are with other people. He is better behaved usually when we dine alone at a restaruant. He has always been a more intense child since he was an infant. He doesn't listen to me unless I threaten him with a punishment. Just recently we decided to try positive reinforcement at the suggestion of a teacher friend. We have a treasure box and for every day he is a good listener, he gets a star and when he gets 3 stars he gets a treasure out of the box. This has worked pretty well so far, but I just feel like he has no respect for me... not like the other kids I see. Their parents have to say something once, and they comply. I say things over and over and I get excuses and anger. I have tried taking things away from him, time outs, and we have left places on several occassions as a punishment (with me literally dragging him screaming) He definately seems to act worse when his little sister is around (she'll be 2 soon) By that Imean that's when he acts goofy and loud and eggs her on. I'm so afraid of her turning out like him. Don't get me wrong, he's a good kid in general. He's great in his preschool, very well behaved and listens very well, teachers have even told me they wish other kids were like him!!! why is he like this with me. I feel like a terrible mom. It is obviously my fault, something I'm doing wrong, or not doing. it's starting to affect my self-esteem. Why can't I do this parenting thing like my friends? Why am I so bad at it... I never thought I would be, I thought I'd be a great mom. I've read so many books and articles and internet stuff about parenting, you'd think I wouldn't be such a failure at it. I guess sometimes I'm a little hard on myself but It's hard to be positive when I see my friends and their kids. I'm feeling very upset now and I guess I just wanted to see if anyone has any suggestions or insights... I feel like I've tried everything though.

SmileWithMe · 10-22-2003, 12:13 PM

Oh, honey. You're not a failure. Children will be children ... and I'm living proof that not all siblings are the same. I was ... um ... err ... like your son, and my sister was an angel. And my oldest daughter is the angel and my youngest is ... me.

Try looking at it from a different point of view: His outgoing behavior will be a positive thing when he get's older. He's a go getter. Chances are he will be a very successful adult. He challenges authority. He may be just the legislator our childrens' future needs!

He knows how to behave. He proves it every day at preschool. There. That's proof that you're doing something right. And, I'll bet he does respect you. He's just testing you - seeing where his boundaries are and just what it's going to take to make you react. And he's waiting for the second you react, because then, he's won.

Take a deep breath and ... well ... just love him. You're doing a great job, I'm sure. He's just a kid.

My best wishes.

TerryB · 10-22-2003, 12:27 PM

Some kids are just more challenging than others. It is a good sign that your son is doing well in school. I'm wondering if he has to try extra hard to "listen" like other kids. Maybe he is using all his effort to control himself at school and just doesn't have the energy to keep it up all day. Is there a possibility that he has some challenges that you don't understand such as mild ADHD.

I was getting very frustrated with my daughter because she wasn't following directions like other kids. Eventually, I found out that she has some "short term memory" problems. So, if you tell her to do 3 things she is likely to get one done and then forget the rest. Sometimes she will be distracted before she even gets the first thing done. This is a bright child who does well in school but we have developed techniques to get around this neurodevelopmental glitch.

Your pediatrician may have some advice for you. Perhaps a referral for your child's particular issues. You could also volunteer at the Preschool and see for yourself just how "normal" your kid acts. And don't compare him to girls. Girls and boys are totally different at this age. You may come away thinking that your son isn't so abnormal after all. You might also pick up some good parenting ideas. Remember, teachers have to be smart with discipline because they aren't suppose to even pick up your child.

I have a feeling that you are a good parent. You do your research and question what you are doing. You don't assume that you know everything.

rrsmom · 10-22-2003, 01:25 PM

Thank you so much for the replies, I was reassured at least a little. I still can't help feel that maybe my son would do better with a mom who has better abilities... since he does better with the teacher at school. But thank you smile for pointing out that since he does so well at school, i must be doing something right. I never thought of it that way. And thank you Terry for your encouraging words. I have thought of ADHD, but after looking into it I really don't think that he has it. He can follow directions well when he wants to and he actually has a very good attention span for his age.
I guess I have just been having a rough couple of months with him and I'm feeling down. Hopefully things will get better as he gets older, that's what I tell myself anyway, but so far I'm not seeing an improvement and everyone tells me 4 is such a great age! (Ok he's only been 4 for a month, maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit)
Anyway thanks for the replies.

Silverspur · 10-22-2003, 01:39 PM

Your son has learned that he gets more attention from you by using negative behaviour. Try to praise him more than you fuss at him.

My son is having the same problem with his little girl. She succeeds in getting lots of attention via negative behaviour.

Changing how you react to what he does will go a long ways in correcting the problem.

When my kids were little, if I had to take them outside, they got a good talking to and then marched back in. If you leave a location for good with him, he will keep it up because he is making you miss out on things too.