Dealing with a Manipulative Child ... - Parenting Issues Message Board

SmileWithMe · 10-27-2003, 10:37 AM

Does anyone out there have ANY suggestions on how to deal with a maniuplative child? What punishments should I try when she has the "I don't give a damn" attitude? (She's 9)

For the most part, this is my "perfect" child. She's well behaved, good grades, popular in school, lots of friends ... but at home, lately I've been catching her in lie after lie. She'll tell me what I want to hear, eventually change her story, and then when I catch her, she'll argue about it for hours on end!

This morning is a great example of how she's been acting. I woke her up in plenty of time to get showered, dressed and ready for school. I asked her to "be sure to eat breakfast" before you leave for school. She said "okay, mom." So we get in the car, I'm pulling in to the school parking lot and she says "Mmmm. My favorite is for breakfast today." I said "Didn't you eat breakfast at home like I asked?" And she said, "No."

What would you have done in this situation?! I was FURIOUS ... not because she wanted to eat breakfast at school (I would have let her if she'd have asked), but because she manipulated me instead of asking permission and being honest about it. She knew immediately that she was caught.

We're not all that strict on our kids. But, we expect honesty and accept no less - they know that. I'm just disturbed that she thinks she has to lie to get what she wants from life. This isn't how she's been raised. I'm getting incredibly frustrated. HELP!

Thanks.
SmileWithMe (Not smiling today)

Palms1 · 10-27-2003, 11:42 AM

This may be a little bit off topic, but how can you not know if your child eats breakfast or not? I really think that a lot of parents try way too hard to make their kids independent at an age that in my opinion is way too early. Whatever happened to the times when Mom fixed breakfast FOR their children instead of having the kids fix it themselves? I enjoy being a Mom to my child, fix his breakfast, be around him before he goes to school, help him getting ready. Since your daughter does not have any problems in school or with friends etc, maybe it is more of attention by Mom that she wants and needs. I migh be totally wrong, but this was just a thought of mine when I read your post.

[This message has been edited by Palms1 (edited 10-27-2003).]

SmileWithMe · 10-27-2003, 12:16 PM

Palms - Thanks for your reply. And yes, that was off topic. My question wasn't about whether or not anyone felt I was being unfair to ask her to fix her breakfast (it's a matter of opinion on when a child is ready to be that independent). My question was how do I deal with the lying.

I suppose, in a perfect world, mothers could still stay at home 24/7 with their children and not have to go to work at 7:00 in the morning. I, however, do not have that luxury, and am doing my best to balance a fulltime career with motherhood. As far as spending more time with her and giving her more attention - every waking minute that I'm not at work belongs to my kids. They are, however, perfectly capable of doing some things for themselves. I feel that teaching responsiblity at a young age is extremely important. Your feelings may differ - but, I feel your response was a bit judgmental.

SWM

P.S. Whatever happened to the positive, supportive responses I used to see on this board?

Palms1 · 10-27-2003, 12:26 PM

I was trying to find an UNDERLYING CAUSE for her behaviour. You asked in your post how to deal with her lying. The best way to deal with the lying is to find the cause first!!! To accuse me of being judgemental was really not necessary. Oh well, so much for trying to help.

[This message has been edited by Palms1 (edited 10-27-2003).]

SmileWithMe · 10-27-2003, 12:50 PM

My reply said "I FEEL your response was a bit judgmental". That was not an accusatory statement.

I sincerely appreciate your response, Palms. But, if you go back and read your earlier reply, you might see why I felt that I was being judged. "how can you not know if your child eats breakfast or not?"

Parents put a lot on the line to come out to these boards and ask for guidance from total strangers. I'm asking for help on how to deal with the lying because I'm out of ideas. I was hoping someone out there might have one that I haven't tried yet.

I appreciate your insight that there could be an underlying problem - but most kids go through some sort of lying stage in their lives. I am needing to know an appropriate punishment for the lying. That's all.

Again, Palms, I meant no harm - and apologize if I came across as defensive. I really do appreciate your thoughts.

SWM