Suggestions for helping a very shy child - Parenting Issues Message Board

coppertop · 10-30-2003, 07:52 PM

Hi all, I need some help with my 3 (almost 4) year old son. He is PAINFULLY shy. I used to be shy (still am) but not the this extent. The problem I have is that when an adult asks him a question I would like him to at least AKNOWLEDGE them, even if he just nods his head yes or whatever. He usually just looks down to the ground. I am trying to teach him that it is impolite to not aknowledge somebody when they ask you a question.
Also he is in a church program called AWANA where he memorizes Bible verses and is suppposed to say them to his teacher, he will not do this even though he knows the verses.

Any ideas????

chrislove · 10-30-2003, 08:43 PM

Hey Coppertop, how are you ? How is the baby ? Valerie used to babysit a little girl who was 4 and would not talk to anyone. She was never even babysat by anyone in her family. Val used a sticker chart and also gave her a couple of m&m's when they would work to get her to speak. One day Valerie told Giselle that she was so proud of her even just nodding her head that she wanted to try something new. So she got two different colored pens and every open-ended(asks for explanation not just yes or no) question that she answered, Val would write it down in one color and write Giselle's response in another color. At the end of the day they would show her Mom. She spoke all day long but very quietly. When she went home and shared it with her mom, she was very proud of herself and carried the paper with her for days. At Christmas, Val bought her a sterling silver cross necklace and sent it to her in the mail anonymously. They figured out who it was, but Val said in her note to Giselle that everyone in the world wanted to hear her sweet voice and when she is ready, we are listening.

Is he afraid cuz he's shy or is he scared ? Maybe you could have him do little things to work his way up, like paying the bill at a restaurant or ordering his own drink ? Hope you are well....Chris

maak823 · 10-31-2003, 07:01 AM

My daughter had this very same problem- painfully shy, would tug me to answer questions for her and hide behind me when asked questions by other adults. Also was very sensitive and got her feelings hurt easily. I enrolled her in preschool 4 hours a day at the age of 4 and kept her there for 2 years before Kindergarten- all I can say is that it takes time, when they are ready they will. We also had a very wonderful 1st grade teacher who would encourage her to participate- she would allow her to speak if she volunteered, even if the time was inappropriate, just because she felt that if she wanted to share, she needed to allow her to and not squelch it because she might not get the nerve up to do it again. It got to a point at about 3rd grade where she was holding it all in all day and then coming home to give the brunt of her frustrations to us- that is when I started telling her that she had to speak up to the people who were causing her frustrations and that she would feel better- it still took time for her to do that. Now she is 12 and is a chatterbox- we can't get her to shut up. LOL She is still shy about speaking in front of the class, but its 100% better.

I did enroll her in activities, and this seemed to help, dance, soccer, etc. Group things where they are not singled out. She even managed to audition for a dance team at age 7- by herself and she made the team- quite an accomplishment- of course we were on pins and needles waiting to hear if she had made it because we didn't want her to be crushed.

I think it all boils down to encouragement- they will do it in their own time. I think it was harder for me to be patient, because I have never had that problem- I am very outgoing.

Good luck to you and just continue to offer encouragement.

Take Care