Parents w/ older teens look here! - Parenting Issues Message Board

karefree · 10-29-2003, 10:26 PM

I am 20 and live at home with my parents. I am a part-time nanny, a part-time childcare worker at a gym, and a college student. About once a month, my dad will go off on me about not doing enough. If I'm not at one of my jobs or at school, I'm either out getting things done or at home relaxing. Apparently, this is unacceptable to him. Randomly, he'll shout that I don't do any housework, that I'm a spoiled brat and will talk trash to my mom about me like I don't hear it. I certainly don't feel like I am some lazy and mooching person that he makes me out to be. He'll shout that I don't work enough (what??) and if I'm at home after a shift 'you did nothing today.' He also doesn't really even count that I go to school just because it's not 12 units at one time. Parents, what do you suggest? Should I do a lot of housework/pay some rent/pay for my car while working 2 jobs and going to school?
btw he has been arrested twice for drunk driving in the past 5 years, went to an expensive treatment for it, smokes some, sent to vietnam at my age etc. I have a feeling all this adds to his bad attitude of 'spoiled kids in today's world.'
My 22 year old sister also lives at home and he never says anything bad to her.

Oh yea, every time he acts like this, I bawl my eyes out in my room.

[This message has been edited by karefreeskin (edited 10-30-2003).]

nolamama · 10-30-2003, 06:13 AM

Your dad has no right to say hurtful, disrespectful things to you. It sounds like he has a lot of issues that he's unfairly taking out on you.

That said, I'm wondering why two adults (you and your sister) are living in their parents' home rent free? And they're paying your car note? And I'm assuming food, insurance, etc.? This doesn't seem quite right...I think y'all need to be paying your own way, even if it's just paying your parents a fraction of what it would cost to live on your own. That may help relieve some of the tension in the house.

Another option would be to get an apartment with your sister and share expenses.

Want 2 B Well · 10-30-2003, 07:27 AM

Sorry sweetie {{{HUGS}}}....your dad is a jerk. Probably always will be one. So what do you do?

1) Make a "date" with him to talk over what is going on...away from the house (VERY IMPORTANT TO DO IT AWAY FROM "HIS" HOUSE).
Do your homework. Map out what you do for a couple of weeks, document every minute. Discuss this with him. Explain you need down time. Ask him where you think changes should be made and what he expects from you.

This is the adult, mature way to handle this. He will respect you after this. Bawling your eyes out turns you back into a "little girl"...right?

2) Move out

3) If unable to talk to him in an adult way (option #1, for whatever reason) realize that he will not change and you MUST. When he starts yelling do the "la, la, la" thing in the head & agree with him and walk away. Make a plan for moving OUT. Don't tell him & start saving.
****

ME??? I am 38 and still doing the LA, LA, LA thing. I really feel sorry for my dad now. I did save up my money to move out at age 21yo. My dad is pig headed and self centered. It sucks BUT I make the best of what I have and don't take it personal. Hard, yes but I do it.

KimRick · 10-30-2003, 08:34 AM

I know your situation! Mine is somewhat different though. I am a 25 year old single parent still living at home. I work full time & go to nursing school part time. I feel as if there's not enough time in the day to do everything that needs to get done! My mom doesn't pay anything for me or my daughter (car, insurance, lunches, clothes, etc) - I pay my own way and my daughter's way, although, I cannot afford to give my mom "rent" (I'm also not receiving child support - that's a whole 'nother story!).

I do not go out on weekends (my Friday & Saturday nights consist of homework) like every other normal 25 year old. I do try to help out around the house whenever possible, but yet I get SCREAMED

at CONSTANTLY by my mother about everything that I'm doing wrong. Most of the time, she talks sh*t about me to my daughter and says VERY nasty things about me both behind my back and to my face, and the only thing I can do is ignore it because I cannot afford to leave.

She is under the impression that if I'm not living my life the way she says to, it's all wrong. I'm the type of person that likes to try and do things on my own and if it's wrong, then it's something that I've learned a lesson by. To me, that's apart of growing up. Just try to keep your head up, maybe things will get better with you and your father. GOOD LUCK!

gillian30 · 10-30-2003, 11:57 AM

I left home as a teenager and always kind of wished I'd waitied just a couple extra years before I'd taken on so much responsibility. If you're only 20 I don't see a problem with you not paying rent as long as you're in school.(Though helping out buying groceries and taking care of your car expenses would be something you should do.) I guess this comes from the fact that I left home early and paid my own way through college, which is something I think should be the parent's responsibility if they can afford it. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be doing at the age of 20...part time work and school. It's just a shame your father has to make this time so unpleasant for you. If you can afford to, try getting a place with your sister or a friend from school. There are also roommate finder services around to place you with a roomie and within your financial limits. If you're not prepared to leave, spend as much time as you can in the privacy of your own room, and don't give into the arguments your father tries to start, it sounds like he's got some serious issues going on that have nothing to do with you.

[This message has been edited by gillian30 (edited 10-30-2003).]