I hope im on the right board, my problem is my teenage Daughters behaviour....
She has just hit 13, and is totally intolerable. Her behaviour is disgusting, she answers back constantly, she shouts, calls me names, tells me she hates me, and i cannot get a decent word from her.
Yesterday she asked me for another puppy (we have one) I tried to explain logically why we (or I) couldnt manage one , and she went hysterical at me. She cried, screamed, yelled, and now if i say anything to her (24hrs later) she grunts when she answers. She refuses to talk to me, refuses to eat what i give her for dinner, saying its disgusting. She answers her Dad back too, but he is much stronger than me and takes away privelidges because she is so naughty.
She has just left her currrent school because she has been so unhappy the past 4 months, she had a few close friends who just "abandoned " her. I dont know why, i have spoken to the School and they say they dont know why either, and that my Daughter isnt totally blameless. So she is school less, and practically friendless. She thinks the world hates her. She has become spotty and greasy, (real teen stuff). She hasnt started her periods yet, but im thinking they could be imminent.
She doesnt want to be near me or her Father at the moment. I'm so upset, im thinking of taking her to the Doctor to see if she needs anger managemtn, or some sort of help. I just dont know. Can anyone help please????? I'm desperate for some advice. Thanks
May I ask- what type of discipline do you use when she acts out?
You mentioned that your husband is stronger and takes away privileges when she acts out...which implies that you don't do anything.
My guess is she acts out with you because she can. She's 13. You are the parent. Squash it. Take away her computer, cell phone, game systems, cable box, tv etc. ground her, and tell her she will earn her privileges back and then stick to it. Do not give in, do not teach her that she can win by acting out. Take the stuff you took away to another location so she can't just use it while you're gone from the house. Do not negotiate. You are the parent, she is a child. The worst thing you can do with a kid is teach them that they have power over you.
If you think she's bad now, wait until she's 15 or 16 if you don't put your foot down now.
LTNS. Hope you are well. Jesus i hope to God she isnt bipolar, and this is just a teen thing and hormones, but at the moment she is totally vile, so something isnt right. I will take her to the Doctors though , thanks.
I dont know whether to take away the whole lot and make her earn them back one by one, or take away her most precious things (cell, and computer).
She is so hurtful to me, she feels no remorse, its like she has no heart, she feels no sadness towards the way she hurts me at all. She truly is a mean creature.
I have given her a lot in the past, but she wasnt nearly as bad as she is now. I can handle the tantrums when i say no to her, its the pure nastyness she throws at me. She honestly doesnt give a S*** what she hurls at me, its terrible.
Teen agers can be very cruel. It's probably not you, just that teens get angry and lash out.
I would take EVERYTHING to start. Leave only her furnishings. You need to shock her. Make sure you discuss this with your husband first, because you will need his full support. You also need to be absolutely committed, because she will definitely pitch a fit to start. Take all her fun stuff- computer, tv, dvd player, game systems, cable box, etc. Some of the large stuff you can simply disable. Like, take the keyboard for the computer (make sure there's not a spare one around) or the power cord. Take it and store it somewhere else. At work, in the trunk of your car (that she has no keys to access, I hope) etc. Do not tell her where it is.
When she gets home, take her cell phone away. Sit her down, with your husband by your side, and say something like this: "In the past I've put up with your tantrums and the mean things you say and you breaking the rules because I love you and I thought you'd grow out of it. I've realized that all I've done is enabled you. Starting today, that stops." Explain that you have taken EVERYTHING away and that she is grounded. Explain that she will be given back her freedom and her privileges (emphasize that all this stuff is YOURS to give and YOURS to take away until she is 18) when she begins to behave better. Explain that you will extend the punishment if she back-talks you, breaks rules or otherwise acts out. Ensure she knows you love her, but you're the parent and she's the child and she is going to follow your rules. Then, when she does start following your rules, start doling out her privileges one by one as a reward. Once she's earned them all back, make sure she knows you will take them away for rule breaking or rude behavior. Do not negotiate with her on how you will respond to an infraction- that is up to you, not up to her. Just be consistent.
No matter what, do not give in to any tantrum she throws. If she pitches a fit, send her to her room and tell her to only come out after she's had an attitude adjustment.
This is really an opportunity. If you put your foot down now, she's young enough that you can get control and it will save all of you- especially her- heartache downline. This can help later by helping you to keep a handle on other things, like drug use and drinking and sex. If you don't get a handle on this now, you can't expect to be able to parent later when the "big issues" come up.
I know how hard this is, but it's great that you are looking to do something now while she's young enough to wrangle back under parental control. Kids think they know best, but they don't. She may be angry now, but I guarantee she'll thank you later. Kids do much better under parents that offer consistent rules and discipline when necessary.
I agree with eagle on the situation. You should have her own those things. Because you gave them as gifts and she in return has abused it. So now she needs to earn things like cell phones and computers, etc.
Also, maybe she is going through a really hard time right now. Maybe it is very stressful on her with what happened with her friends.
I'm eighteen so I remember what it was like being thirteen. Middle school is definitely the toughest years. It's a time when girls especially are growing into their adult body. Maybe she feels insecure about herself, her body, her personality.
If she doesn't have friends to help her through middle school it's really going to be difficult on her. Maybe she gets picked on at school. Or maybe a guy that she liked did something mean to her.
It's not right for her to give you an attitude, so she should have her priveleges taken from her. But along with that, try to talk to her and see what's going on with her in her life. She probably won't want to talk to you about it at first, but eventually she may come around. And she will thank you for it later.
Pull in the reigns but also, be in tune with the fact that she is changing and growing and she's going to need you to help her through it.
Thanks you so much for your answers. what you have told me is exactly what i want to do, and I will. She is at her horse stables now with her horse. When she comes home I will wait for her to start (which i know she will) and i will pull the plug on all her privelidges. I mean it. She has to learn she cant be the little nasty girl she has been towards me anymore.
Tiny that was a really mature thing to write for an 18yr old !! thank you, and I also have to realise she is going through a lot of change right now, in that she doesnt have a school to go back to after summer break, and her friends for some reason have abandoned her. So she is really unhappy, but that is no excuse to be so mean to her parents. I will act accordingly,
Good luck. No matter how she responds now, know that you are doing the right thing. Kids are happier with some rules and discipline in their lives. They may not think so now, but they are. Chaos is stressful for them as well. After she gets over her initial mad, I think things will improve a lot just so long as you and your husband are consistent. Make sure she doesn't start playing you against him, running to him because you are being "mean" or whatever. Keep the communication up with your husband on what you are doing and why, and make sure you guys agree behind closed doors on a course of action before approaching her so that she senses no division between you.
I definitely agree with you that her changes are no reason for her to be so nasty to you.
Stick with your plan no matter how tough it gets. Because it definitely sounds like a good plan. And it will honestly help her in the long run. She's going to need it for when she enters the real world.
And also remember that a mother/daughter relationship is one of the most important in a girl's life. Doing this for her may bring the two of you closer in the long run. And she's really going to need you.
Please update on what happens. I'm anxious to find out how it all goes. I hope that it goes well!
I have to agree 100% with Eagle its not going to hurt her to learn she needs to do as she is told it will help her loads when she gets older and has to find a job.
Just something for you to think about aswell is how quickly does her moods change? and does she match any of the below? If she matches more than 5 of these its possible she may suffer from Bi-polar disorder(BPD) something that could cause some of what you have mentioned, but at the same time it maybe her starting to become a young adult. If you do decide to see a doctor its some thing you could mention and see what she/he says.
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Inability to experience pleasure
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide
Re: I dont know what to do anymore - teen daughter
Her Dad is exaberated !
He got angry with me for a long time as every time he disciplined her, i sort of over rode him. So ha gave up for a while, until last week when i was on my last legs and asked him to take over her descipline, which he did. The only thing with her Dad is, he is over the top strict, there is no medium with him, its like for example he told her she has 3 strikes and after 3 he sells her horse !!! thats tough, but i know he is right really. I'm letting him get on with it when he is at home, up to now i think the very threat of her Dad disciplining her has warded off any harsh punishment.
I think her Dad finds it hard to understand what on earth has gotten into her really.