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Old 08-15-2010, 10:02 PM   #1
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peer pressure on 15 yr old

I have a 15 year old daughter who has always been very influenced by her friends. In elementary school she had a group of friends who played competitive sports with her. We traveled alot, and it was very fun. Around 5th grade, her friends moved on to nationallly competitive teams and she got involved in other nationally competitive sports that didn't include her close friends. She soon lost interest in sports because she wasn't as close to the girls on the new teams.
She has became close friends with a few girls whose parents are very lenient and also their parents are all divorced. At first she was friends with a girl who started having sex at 12 and was allowed to get her naval pierced and her cartilage pierced at 11 or 12. For the most part, that friendship faded. When she became close to two other girls, I was relieved.
For about a year now the three of them have been very close. They spend almost every weekend together and my daughter doesn't understand why her father and I don't allow her to hang out the entire weekend with these girls. She doesn't understand that we want her to do family things once in a while. We just got back from our lakehouse for a few days and she acted like a pouty brat the whole time because they couldn't come. She makes it very clear to us that she enjoys their company more than ours.
I have progressively felt more and more taken advantage of and disrespected. One weekend she had one of them over and while we were sleeping, they snuck out of the house and walked to the other end of the golf course to visit a couple of boys. The police saw them and picked them up and brought them home. Her friend had hickeys on her neck the next day. My daughter said it was her friend's idea. I cannot tell you how mad that whole scene made me. For one thing, they left the front door unlocked so they could get back in without using the garage door code and making noise when the garage door opened. It just made me feel totally disrespected, sneaking off in the middle of the night while the rest of the family was sleeping.
The latest thing now is that her two friends are going to get their noses pierced tomorrow and she wants to go with them. We have had a major discussion all evening about why I don't want her to get piercings or tattoos at 15. I am so tired of butting heads with her and hearing how her friends are so lucky because they get to do everything and have everything they want because they have two sets of parents, etc. I just can't compete with that!
She says we are too overprotective and I want to give her more freedom but I'm just disappointed in her choice of friends. I get the whole story on how I judge her friends because their parents are divorced, and because they have piercings and how they are allowed to go anywhere they want all weekend long, blah, blah, blah. Her friends are all on birth control by the way, and seriously, I feel so old-fashioned by how I raise my kids.
What can I do about this situation? I talk to my daughter all the time. There are things that she's confessed to, like smoking pot and trying cigarettes and alcohol. All these things were done at her friends houses while their parents weren't home. I don't work, but they were still able to sneak out at my house. She is driving (has a permit) and says when she turns 16, she can go where she pleases. I've told her I can take the keys. Is there a way I can get her to change friends?? Should I lighten up more? She's my youngest, I don't know how I'm going to make it through one more.

 
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:40 AM   #2
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

I see you have no responses and sympathize with you and what you are going through. It sounds as if she is just wanting to feel accepted. We've all gone through that. I've heard it all too, how everyone else can do this and that and my daughters couldn't do anything! In my case I found out it wasn't so after talking with other parents. Do you know or have you even talked with the parents of these girls? Obviously if piercings, sex, drugs, etc. are going on, I would think these parents would know; or they don't have the time to worry. That is sad. Personally, you are doing the right thing. Some day she will come around and realize you were not the witch she thinks you may be now. I know my oldest and I went round and round. She obeyed, but I know she didn't like. Now that she's on her own and married, we get along better than ever. I can see that with my own mother.
Stick to your values as I think you are doing the right thing. You love her and are concerned and doing everything you can to teach her from making mistakes she may regret.
Good luck.

 
Old 08-26-2010, 09:37 AM   #3
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

i think you should lighten up a little bit. i realize that she's only 15, but she needs to make mistakes for herself while she's still young so that she doesnt make the mistakes when she's older and could end up in jail for a long time. she needs to learn while she still has mom and dad close to her. of course she doesn't want to spend time with mom and dad. any kid who is that age thinks mom and dad are lame. (i hated spending time with my parents). but my mom and dad let me have more freedom and so i hung out with the kids who i thought were "cool" and who were allowed to do whatever they wanted, but i had remembered what my parents had taught me and i didnt do anything wrong. there were a couple nights where i was in the "wrong place at the wrong time" and i got driven home by a police officer and the friends i was with had gotten arrested, but if you believe deep down inside that your daughter has a good, level-head on her shoulders, then you should give her more freedom now. if you dont give her freedom while she's still young, she's going to "rebel" when she turns 18 and moves out or goes to college or whatever the case may be.

 
Old 08-27-2010, 12:36 PM   #4
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

Sounds like your average 15 year old! Gosh, you should hear some of the things I was doing at 15, and I turned out alright. And the attitude is something that I think every teen displays. In a way, you're lucky that you made it to 15 without too many issues--seems like some of these behaviors are starting younger and younger these days.

 
Old 08-27-2010, 12:59 PM   #5
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

Peer pressure is tough for teens. In our house, we basically had a rule- if it wasn't permanent, it was ok. In other words, the kids could do what they wanted with their hair and their piercings (because the earings can be removed later) but they couldn't have tattoos until they were adults. We decided to pick our battles and only fight them on the stuff that really mattered. Hair-do's and piercings didn't matter as much as drugs and tattoos, for us. Oh- I should clarify- drug use was never ok, temporary or not.

Last edited by EagleRiverDee; 08-27-2010 at 01:00 PM.

 
Old 08-28-2010, 10:35 PM   #6
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

Well, the good news is her very misguided girlfriends won't be getting pregnant at 15.

Seriously, you need to lighten up. What is a nose piercing? When she is older she can take the thing out. Choose your battles. The ones you are fighting are silly. Of course, she wants to be with her friends. It is normal as normal can be. What you are doing is pushing her further away from you and your morals. If things don't change, I see a runaway in the future.

 
Old 08-28-2010, 11:08 PM   #7
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

I have a 16 year old, and have successfully launched another son, now 26.

I also believe in getting to know the parents of your children's friends. The first thing I do when new teens come to my house, is to get their cell phone and parents numbers too. I make a point to meet these parents, and I can assure you that much of these piercing and tattooing stories are just that...stories. I have also met my best friends over the years. We can throw a parent net around them, and they actually like having the parents around, Do you open your home up to your daughter and her friends? Great way to keep them at home...provide what kids want best...a meeting place. Your daughter will be really happy if you are interested in her. Allow her the ability to grow up under your shelter, so she can fly out of the nest smoothly and happily, and that goes for you too!

Our youth and young adults are filled with ideas and promise, we need to give them all we got, to fly from the nest into the world!

 
Old 08-31-2010, 03:21 PM   #8
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

There are a couple of reasons I don't think she should get a nose piercing. One is that it's supposedly illegal in our state under the age of 16 even with a parent's consent. Another reason is that she changes her mind every day on what she wants. She will buy clothes that she has to have, (she makes her own money refereeing) and the next week she will be online selling them because she wants something else.
I feel like there is such a deep rooted unhappiness inside her that I can't seem to help her with. For the life of me I can't figure out what has happened to her or what we have done as parents to make her be this way. She has her friends over all the time and can't seem to be away from them. I know most of this is normal teen behavior but I'm very concerned because when more than 1 or 2 come over there is so much drama it's unbelievable. I feel like the only role models these days for girls are reality show stars or the Kardasians.

 
Old 08-31-2010, 03:47 PM   #9
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

If it's illegal, that's one thing- although I would be SHOCKED if it is illegal with a parent's consent. A nose ring is extremely minor and I'd take issue with the gov't making it illegal with consent.

Assuming it's not illegal- if she pierces her nose and changes her mind later- so what? So she takes the nose ring out, right? And the hole heals up. Even if the hole stays open, it'll be so small that it won't be noticeable. I assume she's not planning on getting one of those giant implants, right, but rather a small stud or ring?

 
Old 08-31-2010, 11:07 PM   #10
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

Hi there,
I know I will be going thru the same issues with my 11 yr old daughter soon. But I will try to "pick my battles" I try to give her some freedom, but I am very strict.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't mind bringing her friends along to your family trips, etc. But if they are piercing, tatooing, etc I wouldn't let my daughter attend. This is like dangling candy in front of a baby. You can watch the piercing, but mom won't let you get one. I would just keep her out that situation all together.

I do agree thou, many of our childrens friends have too much freedom and not enough boundaries. This makes me seem like the bad guy at my house sometimes. :/
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Old 09-01-2010, 02:05 PM   #11
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

I know what you mean about being the bad guy. I could never win a popularity contest with her friends, that's for sure. One reason is that when she gets upset with me, she calls them and complains about me and how annoying I am. They don't speak to me much lately. I rarely let them spend the night anymore because of the incident with leaving in the middle of the night. Also, on her birthday there was a big drama scene because one of the girls claimed she had to leave at 9:00pm and ended up leaving with a guy to spend the night. Her parents called and I thought they had picked her up! Then someone stole her birthday money. They don't realize that I am responsible for what happens when they are at my house. After that, I felt like it was time to put an end to having girls spend the night, at least a group of them. Next birthday, she will have to figure out something else besides a sleepover.
As far as the piercings go, I'm much more open than my husband is about that. Never in a million years would he give the ok for a piercing at this age.

 
Old 09-01-2010, 02:08 PM   #12
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sumanadevii View Post
Well, the good news is her very misguided girlfriends won't be getting pregnant at 15.

Seriously, you need to lighten up. What is a nose piercing? When she is older she can take the thing out. Choose your battles. The ones you are fighting are silly. Of course, she wants to be with her friends. It is normal as normal can be. What you are doing is pushing her further away from you and your morals. If things don't change, I see a runaway in the future.
Seriously? Just because she doesn't get her way? I don't think she would run away, things aren't that bad at home. She has a pretty good life overall.

 
Old 09-01-2010, 02:23 PM   #13
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

I don't think she's going to run away- it sounds like you are good parents. I'd just pick your battles, like people say. Ask yourself- is this going to matter in a month, a year, 5 years? If it's not going to erode her morals or character, and it's not permanent, then it might be worth giving in. A piercing, really, is just so minor. It's removable. It allows her the opportunity for individuality- and it can be taken out when Grandma visits or when your daughter is playing in a concert. Maybe you could approach it that way- say you have conditions and then tell her when the nose ring can't be worn and where she can get it done (a reputable piercing shop). But allow her to wear it to school and stuff. Kids are trying to figure out who they are and they want to conform and yet be individuals too. It's not easy and I think it's harder for kids now than it was when we were kids. But this is really just so much better than if she was trying to get into drugs or sex or wanted a tattoo, you know?

 
Old 09-24-2010, 07:38 AM   #14
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

An update just to let everyone know the consequences and be informed:

We visited the doctor yesterday to see if she could stitch up an ear piercing that was too low and had stretched down over the years while my daughter wore earrings. She got her ears pierced at 6, and one was a little lower than the other, but I thought someday she could just take it out and it would heal. This one ear was pierced too low and now has stretched down and is at the very tip of her ear. One swipe from a comb or getting caught on something would probably rip it all the way down. She has small earlobes and hasn't been able to wear hoops or heavy earrings because of this. This really bothers her and she wants to be able to wear earrings like a normal person.

She hasn't been able to get her ears double pierced because she played sports year round and there were strict rules about no earrings. She never had a 6 week break to get her ears double pierced and then we were told that if there was a hole above the one she has now, it could drop down into the long hole with the problem and make things worse. Because the hole has been like this so long, it will require tiny cuts inside the hole to be made so the hole can grow back together. No insurance that I can find will pay for it because it's considered cosmetic surgery. I haven't talked to a plastic surgeon so I don't know how much the cost will be. While we were there I asked the doctor's opinion on nose piercings.

The doctor said she was against any piercing on the face. She said unless you take them out right away before they heal, they will leave a small scar. My daughter doesn't seem to be concerned about this, having a flawless face, but I realize when you get older you acquire scars, wrinkles and age spots, why add to those with unnecessary self-inflicted holes? The biggest reason the doctor was against it, was because she said your nose carries a lot of MRSA germs and it can very easily get infected. She also said there was more danger going through cartilage (like the nose and upper ear). If something went wrong, there would be a chance of a bigger scar. Of course, the doctor only sees the problem cases.

After all that, my daughter still thinks she wants her nose pierced but a least she's informed of the danger. I don't think she cares so much about the possible consequences because, of course, it won't happen to her. She listens to us and hasn't gotten it done and I'm sure she won't go behind our backs. Her friends got their's done and so far there hasn't been any problems. Another friend who was going to a private school was told she couldn't wear her nose stud and her parents put her back into the public school so she could keep it. (At least my daughter committed on how her parents shouldn't have given in it her).

At this point, she only occasionally mentions it but says she still wants to have it done when she gets older. My point of view is that she knows the consequences and there is always time to get it done later. I'm sure she will move onto something else before the subject comes up again and she will forget about it. If not, she knows of the potential problems.

 
Old 09-24-2010, 08:15 AM   #15
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Re: peer pressure on 15 yr old

This is the age where the natural urge is for the child to begin "playing adult". The disruption that this causes is enough for the natural split to begin to happen. I too, would bank on all the good strong old fashioned parenting that you have built her morals on, and continue to practice parenting with that in mind.

If you continue treating her like you have all her life, she will rebel...she is thinking of herself as a young woman now, which she is! We have to adjust our parenting to this stage of life. The more you treat her like a budding adult, the better.

I have a 16 year old son, and we are very close. I find myself full of things to teach him about life, like how to keep a checkbook and pay bills. Now we do that together, including the budgeting of the money and how to save. It is so helpful, especially when he want's something.

I am a single mom, who has raised two sons by me self. This does not mean that I am any more lax, because I have no husband. I could be described as very open with my kids, but there have been no problems to speak of.

Now, if I had a daughter, I don't know what would be different, but I am really happy to have sons, they seem much easier to raise.

Hang in there Mom, and just be yourself. Keep your rules, but you might want to update them after discussing them with your daughter.

 
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