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Old 01-17-2011, 02:57 AM   #1
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How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

The father of my wonderful little daughter (2y) is an undiagnosed Narcissist. I realised this 6 months after she was born and managed to end the relationship with him when she was a year old. We were never married. The problem is according to law here he has 50% guardianship and I have no power to stop him from having sleep over access.

This is such a difficult situation, as I believe a little girl's self-worth is largely dependant on her relationship with her father. At the moment (as far as I know) he still treats her well, but this will change as she becomes older. How do I prepare her now for what is to come? He also tries to controll every aspect of her life. What is unfortunate is he is really wealthy and usually gets what he wants.

He runs his own business and has alot of time during the day to spend with her, I am a working mom but spend as much quality time with her as possilbe.

Please, any advise would be appreciated.

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Old 01-17-2011, 01:33 PM   #2
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

any chance you can leave?

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Old 01-17-2011, 01:49 PM   #3
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

if hes that bad then you need to get away quick before he damages your child. yeah maybe move as rose suggested.

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Old 01-17-2011, 09:59 PM   #4
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

Hi, thanks for the reply, but no I can not just leave. I would legally have to not only have him sign the application but be present when handing it in.

I have to make the best of a bad situation and believe me I will never stop fighting for my daughter's best interests. I will make the most of the limited financial means I have, but in the mean time I have to give her the best emotional tools and spiritual balance I can.

That is where I need advice.

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Old 01-18-2011, 06:35 AM   #5
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

well then the best advice i can give you is to "limit her exposure" as much as possible

 
Old 01-30-2011, 07:52 PM   #6
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelady1 View Post
The father of my wonderful little daughter (2y) is an undiagnosed Narcissist. I realised this 6 months after she was born and managed to end the relationship with him when she was a year old. We were never married. The problem is according to law here he has 50% guardianship and I have no power to stop him from having sleep over access.

This is such a difficult situation, as I believe a little girl's self-worth is largely dependant on her relationship with her father. At the moment (as far as I know) he still treats her well, but this will change as she becomes older. How do I prepare her now for what is to come? He also tries to controll every aspect of her life. What is unfortunate is he is really wealthy and usually gets what he wants.

He runs his own business and has alot of time during the day to spend with her, I am a working mom but spend as much quality time with her as possilbe.

Please, any advise would be appreciated.
I am a 38 yr old mom of 3 who has a father that is very much a narcissist. This is something my mother had to deal with for years having been divorced from him since I was 6. The only thing I can tell you from experience is that she will learn on her own , and unfortunately through much disappointment. My mother tried so so very hard not to speak bad about our father to us even though he continued through my childhood to disappoint my brother and I on a regular basis. Lying to us , showing us off to girlfriends like he was this amazing doting father which he was far from when we were alone. it was all about him . Always was and always has been. So I learned on my own. Now that I have daughters of my own. Through all these years trying to feel the love from him I never really felt , like we had a relationship but it was so fake type thing. I made the decision 3 years ago , that he brought more stress and sadness to my life than annything positive and I was NOT going to have my children go through what I did with him. I tried to talk to him and give him a chance but of course , myself and everyone else was wrong , not him , he was just perfect. So 3 years have gone by , we live 15 minutes apart , and I have not seen him once. I do not regret my decision for one second ! It was like a big stress ball was lifted off of me ! I am happier , my children have a wonderful grandfather in their life that treats them like his own even though they are his step grandchildren and sad to say but my " father " will die not having any of his 3 children around because of his arrogance and lack of love. I wish you the best of luck and just be there for her , thats all you can do.

Last edited by momoftrio; 01-30-2011 at 07:54 PM.

 
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Old 01-30-2011, 09:23 PM   #7
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

Thank you for your message. It gives me hope. Of course as her mom I wish I could stop any pain she will experience (like you have). Do you remember anything in particular that your mom did or said that made things a little easier? God bless you and your family, you are a strong woman and should be proud of yourself.

 
Old 01-31-2011, 06:12 AM   #8
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

Thank you so much ! The initial decision I made to distance my family from him was one I had been trying to do for years. There was one final incident that sent me over the edge and I was just done.

As far as what my mother did. I think one of the most important things she did was to keep a journal. Everytime he called , took us places , lied to us , said he would come and didnt , etc...just everything , so in case she ever needed information to go back for court or for us , she had it written down. As a girl , I always craved my fathers attention and I think preteen years I was willing to accept him in anyway. My mother did try very hard to not bash him to us but I know now there were times she could not take it and would tell us exactly how bad of a father he was. This did seem to push me more towards him to be honest for a little while. It was not until I was a young adult , that I started understanding who he truly was. My father was a police officer which made it EXTREMELY hard for my mother to feel she had any chance at all when it came to going back to court for child support. He was not only arrogant and narcissistic , but he was the LAW !
When I was young and my father would disappoint , my mother was just there to make me feel better. She would always apologize for how HE made us feel. To this day , my mother and I are best friends and now having children of my own , I feel so bad she had to go through this with us for so many years but I respect and love her for all the hard choices she had to make.
I will not say it is going to be easy , but I will say as long as she has you , she should be ok. I also forgot to mention that my mother remarried when I was 10 and I do not think I would be the woman I am today if I did not have the love and guidance from my stepfather that I so desperately craved from my real father. He was my saviour and was there through the most important parts of a young girls life.
maybe someday you will marry someone that will be the complete opposite of what you had ?! That is what my mother did and it made a world of difference to us children.
I really do wish you and your daughter the very best and I am here to talk if you need some advice . I will help you the best I know how !! Hugs to you !

 
Old 02-07-2011, 03:08 AM   #9
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

Quote:
Originally Posted by momoftrio View Post
Thank you so much ! The initial decision I made to distance my family from him was one I had been trying to do for years. There was one final incident that sent me over the edge and I was just done.

As far as what my mother did. I think one of the most important things she did was to keep a journal. Everytime he called , took us places , lied to us , said he would come and didnt , etc...just everything , so in case she ever needed information to go back for court or for us , she had it written down. As a girl , I always craved my fathers attention and I think preteen years I was willing to accept him in anyway. My mother did try very hard to not bash him to us but I know now there were times she could not take it and would tell us exactly how bad of a father he was. This did seem to push me more towards him to be honest for a little while. It was not until I was a young adult , that I started understanding who he truly was. My father was a police officer which made it EXTREMELY hard for my mother to feel she had any chance at all when it came to going back to court for child support. He was not only arrogant and narcissistic , but he was the LAW !
When I was young and my father would disappoint , my mother was just there to make me feel better. She would always apologize for how HE made us feel. To this day , my mother and I are best friends and now having children of my own , I feel so bad she had to go through this with us for so many years but I respect and love her for all the hard choices she had to make.
I will not say it is going to be easy , but I will say as long as she has you , she should be ok. I also forgot to mention that my mother remarried when I was 10 and I do not think I would be the woman I am today if I did not have the love and guidance from my stepfather that I so desperately craved from my real father. He was my saviour and was there through the most important parts of a young girls life.
maybe someday you will marry someone that will be the complete opposite of what you had ?! That is what my mother did and it made a world of difference to us children.
I really do wish you and your daughter the very best and I am here to talk if you need some advice . I will help you the best I know how !! Hugs to you !
Thank you so much. Your advice is very much appreciated. You give me hope. I will start that journal and note everything in it. I have managed this far not to say anything negative about her father and will continue to do so. She however has come home from a weekend with him and said "mommy ugly" and "I want to live with daddy" so I have a very good idea he is trying to change her view of me. He does not care what damage he is doing to her, she is only two and he is trying to make her choose.

Thank you for the support and much love and blessings to you and your family.

 
Old 07-22-2011, 03:26 PM   #10
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

I have a similar problem but my 2 daughters are now grown. The oldest saw through her father eventually herself but the youngest is a teenager and has now gone to live with him. He has been working on her over time. He did this by leaving all the boundry setting and responsibity to me while he played the 'good time' parent. The most difficult thing for me has been to let her go knowing he would take an easy going approach to rules etc and undermine any boundarys I had set. She wanted to go, when I contact her she doesnt want to discuss her education etc. she just wants to enjoy her time with her father:
My advice is while your daughter is young dont compensate for him when he lets her down, dont make excuses so as not to see her hurt. Let her see that he is wrong not you. I know this is difficult. My mistake was I would compensate for him breaking committments including financial ones, make excuses for him. He was in control even when she was with me. Never getting the blame for anything. Also I suggest you delay her having a mobile fone for as long as you can as this also makes keeping your time with her private. Best of luck

 
Old 07-22-2011, 04:36 PM   #11
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

Well, he is her parent as much as you are.
If he hasn't been diagnosed with anything, and he hasn't done anything wrong, and he- by your own admission- "treats her well".... you can't very well restrict his access to his child, simply because you have some notion that he might treat her badly in the future based on your assumption that he has a personality disorder which has not been diagnosed yet.

All parents have rights, until they lose them, and in order to lose them, they have to actually be proven unfit.
Barring situations that involve abuse or neglect, children are better off having a relationship with both parents, even when neither is perfect.

Best of luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 07-22-2011 at 04:37 PM.

 
Old 07-27-2011, 08:18 PM   #12
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

I had a little one with a dad like that. He was one of my students and it broke my heart when his dad walked away from him because he felt he was right, his child was 4, and he couldnt even tie his shoes right in his eyes. That little boy kept trying, but unlike your little one, his dad was his whole family. So unlike a loving mother, I had to pick up those pieces. I rocked that little boy in my story time rocker as he cried asking why his daddy didn't love him. One day I picked up that little boy at the door and said the father could just go, I had it from here. I did that every day and that little boy cried in my arms for an hour each time. He looked at me the last week I worked there, and he asked, 'Does anybody love me?' and I said, " I do, and even if your daddy doesnt show it, I'm sure he does too." and as much as it breaks protocol, I gave that little boy the biggest hug and a kiss on the forehead.

You probably are thinking.... why the heck are you telling me this??? I'm saying that you need to be that for your daughter. Be there to be the one on her side and be there to prevent the pain. Sometimes you can't save them, no matter what lengths you go to, but you can still be her strong rock that she needs to stand on.

 
Old 10-13-2011, 07:26 PM   #13
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Re: How do I protect my 2 year old daughter against her Narcissistic father

The good news is she is still young enough not to be traumatized by her Father's narcissistic behavior. When she is more able to comprehend serious conversations, around 4 or 5, you might want to have a talk with her. Let her know who her Dad is and why he is the way he is. Getting down on her level will help her have a decent meaningful relationship with her father. Don't run from him, try working with him and your child to make it better for all involved. Is there any way you could approach him with the subject of his narcissism without him lashing out? I wish you luck!

 
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