I just dont know where to go from here. My teenage Daughter is slowly killing me.
She is already on a ban from riding her horse, which is tough for me as i have to now do all the work (except ride him) Hubby has imposed this ban. He hates horses so wont help me.
She has been responding well to the ban by behaving a lot better. then tonight happened.....
I took her to a function with our horsey friends and when we were about to leave the others decided they were going on to drink elsewhere. They wanted me to come and i didnt want to go. My daughters friend was going home to relieve the babysitter and wanted my Daughter to go with her. This is now 10.45pm. She had her evening clothes on and no over night bag, and no clothes for caring for her horse tomorrow.
I said no and we were going , sh ethrew a hissy fit, crying , begging me, and saying she wasnt leaving. Everyone else was saying "let her stay" but i stood firm, and obviously looked the c*** parent, but i walked out and she followed me to the car. Then she shocked me.... All the way home she was saying to me in a low venemous hissy voice that she hated me, she kept repeating "i hate you", she even said she hoped id get run over by a bus. I carried on ignoring her. I didnt respond at all.
We got home i she ran to her room, i told her Father what had happened, i was very shocked and he just went to her room, took her telephone off her, her tele remotes, her music , everything , and has now further banned her from even seeing her horse or her friends.
Im still in shock, but now im worrying she may do something to herself. She is so angry.
Is she mentally ill? or is she just spoilt? ( we have always spoilt her). Should i take her to see a psycologist? i just dont know what to do, but im scared she might hurt herself or worse, i wont sleep tonight now. I just dont know where to go anymore, its making me ill.
She does sound spoiled but that doesn't mean she doesn't have something wrong with her, too. How old is she?
I find when you spoil kids, they don't know their boundaries, and therefore, they keep pushing them. Your husband did the right thing by taking everything away from her. Seems like she is having a hard time controlling her emotions when she doesn't get her way. Has this always been the case or is this more recent? Does she ever apologize for her behavior?
Being that she has a horse and a phone, I would say you probably are parents who love her very much. Good for you for putting your foot down. I bet it took all your might not to push her out of the car and make her walk home. If only!
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
Last edited by Belly Kelly; 03-19-2011 at 08:35 PM.
At least she is not bottling up a grudge LOL. Let her be angry, words from an angry teenager don't mean a lot. From her point of view, she has every reason to be really angry at you. The other people butting in just ramped the whole thing up (thanks, folks!). I cannot imagine her doing anything harmful, that comes more from sadness and depression than a healthy blast of adolescent fury. This will not be an isolated event, but just stay calm as much as possible, let her have her vent and don't judge her too much on what she spits out. You can tell her when all is calm that you were hurt by it - that may make her stop and think next time. Above all keep the lines of communication open even if it means turning the other cheek sometimes. You will be rewarded later. My daughter who treated me to many incidents like this, now remembers a patient mother and freedom to express her feelings in a safe environment. She felt sorry for her friends whose parents would bang on about "that tone" and not hear the message. Another thing - try to make the consequences more just that and less of a punishment. She did not really do anything so bad, she obeyed you, and vented her spleen at you. You got her to do what you wanted, so maybe leave it at that. At the moment you are punishing her for being angry and that is fairly counterproductive. Hang in there. Cheers, Sera
Today she started out really mean again, but by the evening she had mellowed again. But she really doesnt seem bothered she has had everything taken away from her. The most worrying thing is that she isnt too bothered about not seeing her horse !! i thought that would have been devestating for her, but shes hardly affected by it at all.
I suppose I will have to wait (4 yrs or so !!) and see if she comes out of this. Seriously its just really upsetting and tiring to be battling all the time, im trying to let stuff go a bit, for my own health !!
Teenagers have extremely high levels of hormones (higher than they'll ever have again), and often, hormone surges and imbalances.
This is no excuse for their beastly behavior, but it does explain it... sort of.
Just like a woman going through menopause is frequently forgiven for her bitchiness because it's "hormones", so must we give teenagers a little leeway.
High, fluctuating hormone levels cause emotional lability and moodiness. It's a scientific fact.
Some teenagers simply hide their feelings better than others.
Try raising a teenage boy, it's even worse! So much anger and aggression.
Having a 16 year old son, with lots of friends that visit our house regularly...the girls are brutal. So filled with all the passion in the world, life at full throttle drama, the endless phone calls, the almost daily change in best friends, it is exhausting!
I would go give your daughter a big hug and remind her that you love her. It can never hurt, and it just may be the reassurance she needs, and that you need. She does not hate you, she loves you and always will. We do let our worst feelings out where we are safe to do so. While she has her privileges taken away, maybe you two could re-connect. That would be a wonderful outcome of this hurtful experience. I would also, very sweetly let her know she did hurt your feelings, because you love her so much.
When in doubt, love them more.
(but keep the consequences)
She's not going to let you know she misses her horse or anything else you took from her and give you the satisfaction of thinking your punishments are working Just behave as if everything is normal, don't ask about the horse or threaten to get rid of it.....she'll probably just say "go ahead" and then what will you do? It's a power struggle that is pretty normal at this age. This will pass, eventually. One of these days you'll talk about this and laugh, although it probably won't be until she's grown with kids of her own. Deep breath and take care.
I think you need to stick to your guns on this one. your daughter sounds like mine who is used to running the roost. Whenever I clamp down and set some strong rules, I find she ends up being happy after a while about the dicipline. I remember from my childhood not being diciplined and feeling unloved because of it and seeing my friends getting grounded etc, made me feel unimportant to my parents.???? Anyway, children NEED to be directed the right way and to have family chores and obligations. Hope this helps in some way.