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Old 04-05-2011, 09:30 PM   #1
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Adult kids sucking the life out of me

I never dreamed I would be here writing this. I love my children but they have grown in into ALL ABOUT ME young adults. They are breaking me financially and emotionally. I am so hurt and in shock over how disrespectful they are. If their father was alive he would have never put up with this.
I am ashamed to say I almost look forward to when I am passed away and they have to fend for themselves. I do not know where to turn. I feel like they are slowly killing me with all their financial demands....Any suggestions?
I fantasize about working for the Peace Corps or seeing myself on Unsolved mysteries......how awesome to just disapear, just be gone, be missing, forever gone..... Being a parent is so overrated. I loved it when my children where small,it was the happiest time of my life. Now it is all about money, loans, money, money , money and money. It is so sad........... thanks for listening. Really thanks for listening...... I feel so trapped. Thanks

 
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Old 04-05-2011, 09:48 PM   #2
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleander53 View Post
I never dreamed I would be here writing this. I love my children but they have grown in into ALL ABOUT ME young adults. They are breaking me financially and emotionally. I am so hurt and in shock over how disrespectful they are. If their father was alive he would have never put up with this.
I am ashamed to say I almost look forward to when I am passed away and they have to fend for themselves. I do not know where to turn. I feel like they are slowly killing me with all their financial demands....Any suggestions?
I fantasize about working for the Peace Corps or seeing myself on Unsolved mysteries......how awesome to just disapear, just be gone, be missing, forever gone..... Being a parent is so overrated. I loved it when my children where small,it was the happiest time of my life. Now it is all about money, loans, money, money , money and money. It is so sad........... thanks for listening. Really thanks for listening...... I feel so trapped. Thanks
I understand. I truly do.
Times have changed.
Partly, the world has made it much harder for young people to get on their feet and be self-sufficient. When we were young, anyone could do this, if they only tried hard enough. Now, not so. It takes luck, resources, and family backing. Young people can't become self-sufficient adults anymore just by working hard, in many cases.

Partly also, kids don't seem to mind begging from (and bankrupting) their parents anymore. They see no shame in it. They take no pride in "making do" or "tightening their belts" to get through the rough times. Easier just to call mom for a hand-out. Self-respecting young men and women generally avoided that, when I was young. Now, it's just the way things are done.

I don't know what the world's coming to.
I feel a million years old, and I'm not yet forty.
But I do have grown kids also, and I know what you mean.
It makes one old before one's time. And now I'm pregnant again, so the hand-outs and loans (that never get paid back) are about to STOP.

You're not alone.
A lot of us are going through this.
Best of luck.

 
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Old 04-05-2011, 09:59 PM   #3
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Thank you so much, really I cannot express the gratitude I feel towards you right now. I would hug you if I could. I have hit a low point. I feel terrible because my kids have been the best thing in my life. Yet lately I feel trapped and resentful and see no way out. It is the disrespect that hurts my heart so much. I know they are good but they do not know how I suffer and really I am not sure they care. It is a strange world out there right now.

I thank you so much and I am not usually such a whimp. I congratulate you on your newcoing arrival. I have 15 years between my children.. very planned and loved but very very hard. So you see I am doing this all over. I have grown children and children in college. Their dad passed away about 6 years ago.

I appreciate your response. I owe you and call on me for anything. Oleander

 
Old 04-07-2011, 04:27 PM   #4
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Mom? Is that you???

Sorry, but really, you could be my mother! This is a conversation we have on a daily basis. She feels completely unappreciated and unloved, and feels like if she were to fall off the face of the earth right now, my other siblings wouldn't care, as long as she remembered to leave them her money. And she says the same thing you did, "If their father were alive...."

I can only tell you what I tell my own mother, and that is to try not to take it personally. I know your kids love you, but like most young people today, they sound like they've been warped by the ME ME ME mentality that has wrapped itself around just about EVERYONE these days! It comes from the media, and the stupid idiotic "experts," who are always spewing crap about "me time," it comes from magazines, self help books, you hear it all over the radio.... it's stupid, but it seems to be the new mentality of the day. So being all wrapped up in themselves, it's not likely that the even begin to understand the depth of hurt they are causing in you.... but they aren't doing it on purpose. That probably doesn't help much, does it?

I don't usually openly disagree with other posters on these boards, but I do have to disagree with Kali on just one point. It's not that hard to become self sufficient these days. But young people today have these ridiculous expectations and feel like they are entitled to whatever they want, and they refuse to make do with less. What? You want me to work at McDonalds? No way! I'm going to be the CEO of Company X, or I just won't get a job! There are no "starter" apartments anymore, and heaven forbid someone buys an "older" car! No, it has to be brand new, state of the art everything.... and budget? What's that??? It's not that it's any harder than it used to be, it's that young people aren't willing to do the work.

Sorry. That's just my rant of the day. I've seen it too many times, recently, and it BUGS me!

Anyway, Oleander, you really should stop giving your kids money. It will be hard at first, but they will thank you for it later. I have seen what giving money did to the relationship with my Mom and my siblings. They lost all respect and just treated her like their own personal bank. And did they appreciate it at all? Heck no! Did they use that money to improve their situations? Heck no! My Mom gave one of my siblings money to make his house payment, and instead he used it to enroll his daughter in dance classes that she did NOT want to take (she quit within the first 3 months), and then let his wife go on a shopping spree, because she just didn't have anything to wear that wasn't at least 2 years old! Good grief! And my other sibling was given money from my mom so that he could take it and pay off his car note, and instead, he spent it buying toys for his daughter, a fast food gift card for his daughter, and a season pass to a water park for his daughter. His daughter is a spoiled brat, by the way....

Anyway, my point is, somewhere in their hearts, I know your kids do love you. But somewhere along the way, your kids lost respect for you and for themselves. You'll never gain their respect back if you continue doing what you are doing. They'll never gain any self respect until they have to actually work for the things they have. It might mean they have to hit rock bottom first. I watched my own brother (the second one I mentioned) go through it. It was hard on him, but after he hit rock bottom and had to claw his way out on his own, he came back to my mother and thanked him for finally letting him fall. Their relationship is still shaky, but it's slowly getting better.

I don't know if any of this helped or not. I hope it does. It's not fair that you have worked all your life and sacrificed so much for your kids and then they treat you the way you do. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I hate seeing my own mother go through it. Nobody should have to feel that way. Hope things get better!

Last edited by marisuela; 04-07-2011 at 04:34 PM.

 
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:00 PM   #5
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Thank you so much and YES it did help very much. Great insight you have. I am starting to say NO more. I got married at 18 against my parent's wishes and they never let me come back home. Even when I asked to come home with a small baby in my arms. My dad said go back to your husband you are married. Well I did not go back and I went to a girlfriend's. I worked my way through RN School and it was really hard. But I did it and no one helped me. Then I got married again , had twins and then my husband died. I raised 3 kids alone and am fortunate to have had good jobs all along. I did not want my kids to go through what I did trying to struggle through school while working full time with a family.

But.......I am seeing when I was paying for my school you can believe I showed up for class, you can believe I passed my tests. When my utilities were due I paid them before I bought the new purse because NO ONE was there to pay my reconnect fees.

I have 3 great kids.....one is grown, through school, married and just had her first child. I do not worry about her. All a parent wants is to know is that their children are happy and can take care of themselves. As I head towards 60 I see my earning capacity is going downward....I need a new roof, new furniture, so many things I do not have so my kids CAN HAVE. I know this is my fault.

I cannot thank you enough for your response. I do think it cost more to live. I am from Los Angeles and we never had to pay for TV, we just had it because we lived so close to Hollywood. Now you need Satelite, a cell phone, home internet, car insurance and so on. I do think it is harder. We got by on less. I have also co signed all my kids college loans because they required a co signer. My parents would have NEVER done that ever.
Now maybe I understand why.

I will heed your advice. I need to allow them to gain their self respect back and mine. Hugs to you and your Mom must be proud. Oleander

 
Old 04-21-2011, 11:15 AM   #6
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

I have a feeling this is more common then any of us realize. The same thoughts have been passing through my mind lately. We worked so hard for what we wanted in life. Went without more often then not. Our parents had no problem telling us no. Did they know something we don't?

It is not debatable that things have changed. As we did not need a collage degree or Technical training as much as in today's time. My hat goes off to you for putting yourself through school with a wee one.

Still how can we take care of ourselves if we still take care of our children that are no longer children. I also strongly agree with this way of thinking that certain jobs are beneath some kids. Heck I worked where ever hired me if I wanted anything at all. Society has changed & Ive seen it more then once on the news where parents are using investment money for retirement to put kids through collage.

Like you I love my kids more then anything & like you lately I feel do they love me back? Like you Ive given up more then I can say so they could have some kind of life. Not so much material things as I was not one to give this & that because so & so had it & it was the newest gadget out but sports & clubs & so on..... Just the other day my daughter who just turned 18 asked us about our bank account. I had no problem telling her it was none of her business & would never be. As she feels we are helping our eldest too much & it may cause problems for her upcoming first year at the University she chose. She has worked her tail off in school & achieved every award as far as school goes there for she feels she should not have to work & we should be ashamed more of less for asking her to. She also goes to high school out of district about 40 minutes from home, so you can imagine the gas money alone.

I just told my eldest she is cut off as she chose to move out of state with no planning what so ever & no job. The hardest part will be sticking to it but I sure am going to try. My husband & I have always disagreed as I was the one who thought they should work at home & out & he felt as long as they did well in school they did not have to. Now its hitting our pocket books so hard & no help around the house he feels a little different.

I feel for you & thank you, as after reading this I am determined more then ever to push them to become more independent. Heck I work in pain to provide & I think my husband & I deserve to have a life now & start thinking about our future here. Times are tough enough & I just told my youngest & eldest do not confuse love with money. I also let them know how much it hurts to feel like how much we love them is based on money.

There comes a time for tough love & pray it works. A long with hard work comes pride & the sooner they learn that the better off they will be.

When & where did things change so drastically with raising kids?

I just heard on the local new prom is a big spending event? I'm talking people spending thousands, are they crazy or what? Heck you can make memories without spending thousands or even hundreds. I told my daughter she has a choice help with her future education or prom? What will it be? Smart girl as she bought a used dress & I was shocked to realize she was listening.

I feel for you & don't feel bad you deserve a life. Your kids will love you no matter what. Once they figure out your more then just a bank.

I told my girls you have one set of parents, no one will love you more & it has nothing to do with money. They have to figure that out. Look out for your self & if need be let them know you have your own future to think of & you deserve to have some peace of mind. They have been lucky & blessed to have a mom willing to sacrifice as much as you have.

Take good care of yourself & don't give in. I'll try to follow my own advice & hopefully we will succeed & our kids will learn. I want you to known I feel the same right now, hurt & exhausted by thinking my kids just don't care.
I also want you to know I have heard other moms stating the same. They feel no appreciation & in some way used by the very children they love so much. So your not alone.
God bless, good luck & stand firm. Sammy

 
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Old 04-21-2011, 05:25 PM   #7
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Sammy, Thank you so much. I am working on laying the hammer down on my kids. I appreciate all you wrote and shared, it meant so much. I do believe there are many of us in this situation.

I found it interesting about your daughter asking about your bank account, mine has asked about my paychecks and how much I make? I was like ?????? I would have never dreamed of asking my parents anything like that. They would have told me it was none of my business.

As of today I am feeling a tiny bit better, saying NO more often, trying to take care of myself more.

I think society in general has gotten so greedy and me, me, me and unhappy. I myself am trying to scale down. These kids are missing so much because they try to live like weathy adults. They are missing out on so many little things.

Thank you again, you make so much sense. Much Love to you, Oleander

 
Old 04-22-2011, 07:07 AM   #8
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

If you think about it your doing them a favor. So many that live beyond their earnings have lost everything when the economy started to decline.
Its not what you have but who you are. Just as a house is just a house its the family inside it that makes it a home.
.

I know its hard & you feel like your kids wont care anymore but do we want our love to come with a price tag? Heck no. Some how respect & pride at achieving ones own is no longer important.
My kids have asked also what we make & I give them the same answer, none of your business.

when we (my siblings) were starting out & needed a loan for something it had to be of importance. My dad carried a little black book around & would mark the loan, what he was loaning the money for & when we made the payments or paid him back. If it was not on time he would say the bank is closed .

I had 9 siblings & we learned quick to pay that money back. We all knew about that little black book. Til this day I will go without rather then borrow. My husband lost his job for a while & we went through most of our retirement money but we held on as we try not to get in over our heads.

The kids today need to learn if they can't afford it & its not important they don't need it. Learn to ask yourself how important is this really? Can I live without it?
I think if we are not there to bail them out they will learn a lot faster.
As moms or parents we want our children to be happy no matter what but at the same time its our job to teach them to stand on their own two feet. Thus far I am ashamed to admit I have failed there but am trying now.

Tough love & its not easy is it? I just told my youngest last night she had to earn her own pocket money. As I know she is busy & works hard in school but its only right she earns something as you want to be treated as an adult you have to act like one.

If something were to ever happen to us who would support them? Its not a nice world out there & hard work has never hurt anyone.
If you need to vent I'm here. Stay strong my friend.
God bless, Sammy

 
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Old 04-25-2011, 10:51 AM   #9
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

How old are your children?

 
Old 04-25-2011, 11:37 AM   #10
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

A 21 year old, 23 year old and a 36 year old. Their father passed away years ago.

 
Old 04-25-2011, 01:04 PM   #11
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

I give you a lot of credit in bringing them up on your own. I have 3 at home too....22,24,27. It seems as though they really do not respect me. It is true that they are always expecting me to do everything for them but they are unwilling to give back. A mother's love is definitely different from a dad. Moms are more compassionate and caring and willing to sometimes look the other way and let things go. I am just hopeful that when they get older they will realize how much love we have for them.
I know people that seem to have just a perfect family....loving husband,well-behaved children,great students,athletes.......they seem to have it all and it doesn't seem fair. Moms like us work hard and try with our children only to get nothing back in return. Keep your chin up. You are not alone.

 
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Old 04-25-2011, 01:14 PM   #12
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Oh my gosh!!! I could have written almost all of your original post about two months ago. I raised one daughter and "thought" I did everything "right." Well, not everything, but I did my best, was always very conscientious about parenting her, informed myself on every aspect. She so easy to parent when young. Until the ADHD. And then the teenage years. And, I woke up one day with a 19 year-old I could not have possibly raised!!! I share a little with you to let you know (as you've also seen by the replies) that you are soooo not alone. Even though I love my kid more than life itself, and even though we do have good times, and even though I do recognize her from time to time, and even though I tear up at the mere thought of something happening to her, I am right there with you about parenting not being all that it's supposedly cracked up to be. My child grew up with ground rules about anger -- two of which are that we don't call names and we don't say intentionally hateful things. At 19, I was forced, by my daughter's refusal to be responsible for her car payments, to repossess her car. That was the first time I ever hear (saw in a text) "I hate you!" And, most recently, at 20, I tried to review and re-implement rules and expectations with regard to her living with me. That period was the HUGE realization that this person I raised is horrifically self-entitled, self-centered, non-contributory, and could generally (not 100% of the time) see things only through a lens of how it might benefit her. She was so incredibly disrespectful throughout that meeting and it continued through many days. It culminated with her telling me in a text to "f off!"

When she chose to mostly ignore my very simple rules and continue to disrespect me, I told her in the nicest, kindest, firmest way, "Your move-out date is February 15th and this is non-negotiable. It will be better for you and it will save our relationship." The feeling it left me with was horrible, so I turned to the Net and found so much that helped me realize I did the right thing.

She stayed at a friends for a month. Then she begged me to come home for one week till the apartment was ready. She has now been on her own for almost a month. I will not go into how things are now -- some good, some bad -- but I just wanted you to know two things: 1. You are not alone. I empathize with you. I know the feelings. I've cried the tears over wondering "where did I go wrong???"; and 2. You can and should redefine and reestablish boundaries with your kids. They will continue (like a good majority of today's young adults) take, take, take until you finally say, "No more" and mean it. It's not easy. I remember reading that my daughter would hate me for putting my foot down, but that it would not destroy the relationship. Speaking from experience, I can say that part is true.

Take care.

 
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Old 04-25-2011, 01:16 PM   #13
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Thank you Paula,

My oldest is now starting to say "how did you do it?" she just had her first baby and even though her situation is ideal with a great hubby it is an adjustment for her. The best thing is for them to have their own children. I hope in time they all remember and appreciate me........

Thanks for letting me know your story. It is hard and I know I am not alone. I am seeing more and more most parents are almost like bullied by their teens and adult kids !!??? How did this happen?

Just remember the Perfect Family really does not exist.
It may look perfect but it usually isnt'. I have had those thoughts myself and found out that there is some dysfunction in most homes. Some people present better than others.

I wish you luck and I appreciate your support... I am feeling better this week. Oleander

 
Old 04-28-2011, 07:03 AM   #14
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

I agree there are no perfect families out there. Sooner or later there will be some type of struggle, problem what ever you want to call it.

Perfect words, Self-entitled & Self-centered. I realize now the key was to be firm & stand behind your words. Of course I needed my husband to do the same. I'm sure he's kicking himself over not doing so now. Either way its exhausting as kids can easily wear you down if your not careful. I know with my youngest if I gave in to one thing one time she expects me to do the same for everything. Her god mother says with her you can't give one inch or she will take a mile.

I had no real problems with my eldest until she turned 17 & learned from others legally she did not have to listen & could move on her own. Over night our lives changes & til this day she has never been the same & she is now 24. I was to strict compared to most parents. Sounds very much like Curious ones situation. She is ADHD also & I can't even think about all that she has lost do to bad choices. We as parents did not hold her accountable enough & taking the car away when your daughter will not make payments is the right thing to do. We did not do this & what did it teach her? Not one thing. She now feels the rest of the world is unfair. Its not her but everyone else. That is our fault.

I think we have society to thank here for the most part. Parents today are exhausted so they give in & let things pass. Then all these parenting experts telling everyone how to raise kids.
I was just thinking yesterday are we ever going to have a life & not have to worry constantly? Only if we take our lives back & hold our children accountable. Sometimes they have to fall & get back up on their own to learn. Saying no does not make us bad parents, it might just make us smart parents.

Perhaps I'm wrong Paula but until you no longer do for your kids who are now adults they will not appreciate it. Its when we no longer have something we realize how much we miss it or took advantage of it.

There are times instead of speaking I'll write my girls a letter or email or what ever.
I just feel they no longer hear me & are to busy thinking about their defensive reply. This way they have plenty of time to read over what I'm saying.
They can block out what your saying if they choose but words written are a little harder to ignore. There is the plus that usually I feel better after writing it. I can say more & without interruptions also.
At times I think they listen to what I have to say just a little more when its in writing.

The one thing we constantly hear from both is it was easier for you, times have changed. In some small ways its true. In other ways its the exact same you have to learn to work & earn what you want in this world & respect was expected no matter what.
Sammy

 
Old 04-28-2011, 08:26 PM   #15
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Re: Adult kids sucking the life out of me

Honestly, I cannot believe that I have thought I can see why people disapear and end up on unsolved mysteries. Then years later are found living a completely different life. Maybe they felt unappreciated. Peace Corps sounds great too.......LOL

They require so much to live now, Iphone, cable tv and internet, car insurance, medical insurance, and I could go on and on. I am so worried about when mine get out of college and they cannot pay on all those school loans I co signed for what will happen to me and my credit? Makes me sick to think of it. No way could they have gone to school without those loans and we could not find any that did not need a cosigner. Really my stomach turns when I think about it.

I have to share that I have been saying NO more lately and if I get yelled at or cussed at I just hang up and shut my phone off. I have been demanding an apology and will not resume any conversation until then. I explain that I would not let a stranger treat me like that let alone my daughter. It breaks my heart and I cry because I cannot believe my own child treats me like this. Then I worry there is something mental wrong with her like BiPolar. I wonder how she will get laong in life after I am gone. I know they will get a huge suprise. But I would say things are better since I have been less tolerant.

I see I am definately not alone. I felt so sad my brother who is such a nice guy and a great father said "having kids is over rated"...his kids treat him like you know what. I was shocked when he told me that and then he shared with me all he had been through. He lives in another State from me so I had no idea. His children are late 20's and really have put him through alot. I had no idea.

Thanks everyone. Oleander

 
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