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Old 08-04-2011, 05:36 PM   #1
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Made my 8 year old daughter leave

My story is sad and I am heartbroken. My beautiful daughter began using marijuana in her senior year of high school. She would leave the house in a car with friends and return a couple of hours later and go straight to bed. This became more and more frequent. The last quarter of high school, her grades dropped to an all time low. She graduated but barely.. She had dreams of performing and had some promising gigs. She was getting noticed and recognized. And now she doesn't care.

Now, since turning 18, she believes that she has no rules and can do as she pleases. She was accepted at every college for which she applied for this Fall term. Then just after graduation, she said she was going to postpone college until January. I thought it to be okay because she works and wanted to earn more money. Well, she earned more money and it went up in smoke. Then the new date for college was postponed again to a year. And then she decided she was never going to school ever again.

I came home one morning and found her in bed (she shares a room with her younger sister) with her 17 year old boyfriend who failed 10th grade a second time. The reason I came home was because her younger sister called my office before I arrived. I returned her call and she told me her older sister attacked her and she left the apartment.... not really attacked her but put a death grip on her that left bruises on her arm. When I came home, and found the boy in bed with my older daughter, I understood why my younger daughter was up all night. At first they were on her top bunk bed and I could not see him. I only saw my daughters hair. I thought it was suspicious (when I went in to say good bye in the morning) because she has historically hated the top bunk.

For fear that my younger daughter was at risk, (she left the apartment and just roamed around for about an hour, then walked up to the high school where she knew she would be safe) I went home to take action and find out why an outburst had occurred before 8:30 AM. I told my older daughter to get out of bed. At first she refused. I forced the issue twice more and then she arose. I saw other movement in the bed and saw the 17 year old boy. I was furious. I told him to get up and get dress and to leave. He refused. I began to burn ... to think my younger daughter was roaming around the neighborhood alone because of this, infuriated me.

I told my 18 year old girl to go to the living room. My husband remained in the bedroom with the boyfriend. I asked my daughter when did he get there, she said he came after summer school.... I couldn't believe she thought me to be so stupid. Summer school was already over. I then asked her why was he in bed with her, her answer was, "I invited him. I am 18 now and I can do whatever I want with anybody." Okay, I thought then if she wants to do this and hurt her sister, it is time to leave. And, if she broke up with the 17 year old boy, I feared she would bring home strangers.

I told the boy to leave and her to pack up and leave right then and there. I watched her and when she got most of her stuff together, I asked her for the key. She found it and gave it to me. I saw her getting teary and whimpered a few times and sniffed back her tears. And that is the image I keep replaying over and over in my head.

She does not want to talk to me. I never really wanted her to really leave but could not believe that my older daughter allowed her younger sister to be at risk and was so aggressive that roaming the neighborhood was the safest solution.

Recently, she had a minor altercation with her girlfriend whom she was staying with, so she left there and stayed with the boyfriend for 3 days. Now his mother wants my daughter to pay her $400/month to live with them. She only nets about $180 per week. She will have to pay her own car insurance and gas with $80 per week. They are illegal immigrants.

She came home to get her ss card, passport, and the car. I would not allow her to take the car because she does not have her drivers' license yet. I told her she could have it when she has her license and I am holding onto her money so that she can buy the insurance in her name. She told me they were going to register the car the next day. I was pretty upset. It looks like the boyfriend's family wants to take the car I was holding on to for her. She can not register it yet because she needs insurance and she can't get insurance until she has a license.

She has been gone for 9 days. She is back with the boyfriend in his mother's basement apartment again. I also have given it some serious thought about what will happen if he wants to break up with my daughter. He has 2 more years of high school and will be active in high school. My daughter has no business being with him.

I now fear that since finding out they are illegal, they may steal her passport. She will probably think she lost it. I struggle with many thoughts of what could happen. If I report it lost and if they lift the photo and replace it with another and use her name than the document numbers will appear with a different face. If ever it is expertly examined or somebody tries to leave the country with it, the document numbers will have been reported as a stolen or missing passport. I was told by somebody that they will use her name and replace her photo, then sell it for a lot of money. I am beginning to fear that they may even leave the country with her. She is most beautiful. And then we may never see her again.

I am at odds. She made very bad decisions and now I am kicking myself for letting her have the passport. I want my daughter to come back home but now I fear that she is never going to be the same. I want her to stop smoking pot and get back on track. I feel so helpless and wonder how can we get her to believe she has done some things that she should not have done.

Please help with any suggestions or advice. I am praying every hour, every day. I don't sleep well. I love her but she does not believe me. How can I make it believable?

Last edited by bkpr2011; 08-04-2011 at 06:19 PM. Reason: typos the title should be "18 year old" not 8 year old

 
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Old 08-05-2011, 03:32 PM   #2
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

You know how it's believeable -- because you did what any loving, responsible mom would do.

I'm not thinking one iota about the passport and false documents. I would be worried about her leaving the country.

You sound like a good mom, with ethics, morals and values. With that being said, I believe it is just a matter of [short] time that your daughter will miss your love, comfort, home, etc.

I don't know how to tell you strongly enough -- if you have always shown your daughter love, affection, attention, given her boundaries, held her when she cried, supported her endeavors, etc., etc., etc. and did not beat, berate or humiliate while she was growing up, SHE KNOWS YOU LOVE HER. You do not have to convince her. You don't have to prove it to her.

I would have done EXACTLY what you did. I would also allow her to come home -- WITH RULES FOR ADULT CHILD LIVING AT HOME. (Do an Internet search on that phrase and read, read, read. When you are reading that stuff, you will see over and over again that you did the RIGHT thing.)

It is hard. It is sad. It hurts. It's scary. Stay strong and stand by your values and rules for your home. (i.e. rent, chores, respect, visitors, etc.) A child NEVER forgets that they are loved.

Her age and her desire to tune out is clouding her judgment right now. She is not doomed. She will get it together. She's (as my 21 year-old says) "going through it" right now. It WILL get better.

Read. Breathe. Read some more. Take care of yourself. Don't forget to breathe deeply. Don't beg her to love you back. Don't beg her to believe you love her. Telling her as you've always told her is enough. She will be back. Believe that. Have your proposed agreements/rules (written) in place so that when she wants to come home, you let her know that you will have to have a family meeting first. Discuss the agreements with her, make changes if necessary, and all adults in the home sign the agreement BEFORE she gets her key back.

And she needs to keep her hands OFF of her little sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care.

 
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Old 08-05-2011, 06:55 PM   #3
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

Mom, I hear everything you said/wrote, I have a 21 yr. old son that can be difficult and as a result he's not allowed to stay overnight at his dad's or my house anymore. Everything you say is normal and usual but the one thing I'm not sure your seeing clearly is that your daughter is an ADULT, and she has to learn that the decisions she makes come with rewards or consequences.

Were you right to think of the welfare and safety of your younger, heck yeah! Go so far as to even think if the situation progressed and your younger daughter mentioned it or "complained" about it to the wrong person, CPS might have gotten involved and could have very realistically removed your younger daughter from you care. That would be a tragedy, what you oldest is doing is not a tragedy, it's a typical teenager thinking they know everything, and can do everything, and screw the consequences.

You do sound like a very good mom and honestly I think you did the right thing. When she straightens up and realizes how much she screwed up, then "talk" to her about coming back. Make it clear that there will be rules, and they will be followed or she will not live there. Make it clear that since she's 18 and out of high school that she'll be required to either work a job and pay rent, or go to college. And don't give in, you have to stay strong if you want your daughter to have any chance of getting her act together before she makes permanent damage and her future is fowled up.

The one thing I'm curious about is you don't mention much about your husband and how he feels about the situation, or if he's supportive or not. If he's not, then he needs to get onboard and pay attention.

I know this feels like a nightmare, but honestly it's a bit of a blessing...you know about your daughters "activities" early, so you have a good chance of getting her to change her path.

Take care and stay strong....let us know how you're doing.

Kat

 
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:18 AM   #4
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

Thank you, Kat. Every day I get a sick feeling in my stomach over my decision. Her father (my ex) has been supportive of my decision but also supportive to my older daughter. He saw her yesterday. He had been working across the street from where she is staying so he called her and told her if she needs anything to come over. She marched right over there and asked him for money. I recently found out that her little boyfriend was selling marijuana. I want to report it to the police but since she is there I am struggling with it for fear that it will be her that is arrested since she is 18. I think this explains a whole lot. If only my daughter would see the destructive path... however, her father did say that she plans on going to the alternative vocational school. I am stunned. She was directed to the community college's honors by her guidance councilor since we could not afford a state school or private college. My fear is that the boyfriend's family is steering her into a very low performance type of education. I only hope she realizes that she really is worth so much more.

She also told her father that she would never come back. I am coming to terms with that and wishing she would just call me once in a while to let me know she is doing well. Her older brother has been communicating with her and is confident that she will be fine. He lives in another state and is really not close enough to see the truth of things around here. He goes between her and I and has never talked to my younger daughter to see what really happened. I have stopped telling him things because, she disputes and lies about the marijuana and adamantly states that her younger sister has a drug problem. Again, I am stunned that such a statement was made.

Everyday, I pray she is okay and that if she falls into a bad situation, that she will call her family for help.

Again, thanks for your encouraging words and sharing your experience.

-Nancy

 
Old 08-06-2011, 10:21 AM   #5
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

Thank you, Kat. Every day I get a sick feeling in my stomach over my decision. Her father (my ex) has been supportive of my decision but also supportive to my older daughter. He saw her yesterday. He had been working across the street from where she is staying so he called her and told her if she needs anything to come over. She marched right over there and asked him for money. I recently found out that her little boyfriend was selling marijuana. I want to report it to the police but since she is there I am struggling with it for fear that it will be her that is arrested since she is 18. I think this explains a whole lot. If only my daughter would see the destructive path... however, her father did say that she plans on going to the alternative vocational school. I am stunned. She was directed to the community college's honors by her guidance councilor since we could not afford a state school or private college. My fear is that the boyfriend's family is steering her into a very low performance type of education. I only hope she realizes that she really is worth so much more.

She also told her father that she would never come back. I am coming to terms with that and wishing she would just call me once in a while to let me know she is doing well. Her older brother has been communicating with her and is confident that she will be fine. He lives in another state and is really not close enough to see the truth of things around here. He goes between her and I and has never talked to my younger daughter to see what really happened. I have stopped telling him things because, she disputes and lies about the marijuana and adamantly states that her younger sister has a drug problem. Again, I am stunned that such a statement was made.

Everyday, I pray she is okay and that if she falls into a bad situation, that she will call her family for help.

Again, thanks for your encouraging words and sharing your experience.

-Nancy

 
Old 08-06-2011, 10:43 AM   #6
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

Thank you for taking time to read my situation. I have never shown her disrespect, or humiliation. Although she tells others that I have. I struggle with this and wonder if I really have. I have asked my younger daughter if I have ever done anything of the sort at all. She told me that she has never seen or experienced anything abusive or demoralizing. Her older sister tells people that I was never a real mother. I am so shocked to hear this from others. I made costumes for her dance team, supported her every summer with camps, drove her and her friends anywhere they needed to go, left my job to take her to her job, every Halloween I made costumes for her, I spent plenty of money for college entrance applications, took her everywhere she wanted to go, gave her most anything she wanted. When her friends were given cars to use, I could not do the same for her and I think she resented it. However, recently, I purchased a second car just so that she could use the older one. But one night, she took the spare key and used the older car out after everybody was asleep and had a minor collision. She does not have a license to drive yet. She denies it but when I got into the car, the seats and mirrors had been adjusted. Actually, that happened 3 times. If only she would admit it and not lie anymore.

When I reprimand her she totally denies everything. One day she came home totally stoned and could hardly walk to her room. I gave her a few minutes and then went in to talk to her. She sat up and could hardly open both eyes. I asked her what she had used in case there would have been any need for medical care and she said nothing. Her younger sister approached her after I left the room and told her to own up to it. She told her that if mom ever finds out, it is best to tell the truth because mom doesn't get mad if you tell the truth. A few minutes later, she came out to speak to me and told me that her friends in the car were smoking pot. Well, it wasn't the whole truth. But at least she did admit that there was a lot of smoking in the car and that she was under the influence.

I love her so much and really wish that my sweet, beautiful girl would emerge out of this horror. Today, it sank in that there really is nothing more I can do accept to allow things to take their course and keep letting her know that she is loved and will be received with love.

Thank you,
Nancy

 
Old 08-10-2011, 04:14 AM   #7
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

I don't know if it helps much, but I do feel you are doing the right thing. My mother had to kick my brother out of her house at age 16 to go live with my father. My brother didn't want to live under my mother's rules. My brother spent years trying to get his act together, and he eventually did. He is now married to a wonderful woman and has two kids.

The only thing I could recommend is helping your daughter with any of her problems. Tell her you are willing to help her be happy and go to school if that is what she chooses.

As for the vocational school, that is the least of your worries. Chances are, however, she won't go to that either.

As for the boyfriend, I would call the cops on him. Having pot on you (or selling it) probably won't result in much jail time, esp. if it is their first time. However, it might be enough to scare the both of them and to bring her home.

I would give the relationship time between your daughter and her boyfriend. At such a young age, I am sure there will be a big fight and she will want to come home.

As for the passport, I wouldn't worry about it.
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:11 AM   #8
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

bkpr, how are you doing? Has she come home yet? Have the two of you spoken?

 
Old 08-19-2011, 06:34 AM   #9
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious One View Post
bkpr, how are you doing? Has she come home yet? Have the two of you spoken?
No. She has not returned. She is paying the boyfriend's mother $100/wk to stay in their basement apartment. She came to me 2 days ago to ask (again) for the car. It is old and in need of repair. I told her that her father is willing to help her with it so that she can take her road test for her dirver's license. Again, she refuses our assistance.

When she came into my house, she was smiley and did not have on any make-up. This is unusual for her. She always took a great deal of pride in her appearance. It could be that she does not have any money to buy it. I could smell marijuana and I asked her if she was just smoking pot. She said no but when I told her that I could smell it when I came within 3" of her, she said she had it in her purse.

She said she wants to find a new job. She had a couple of good possibilities but when she was told there may be drug testing she did not change anything with her current job.

I will post more later.

Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your experiences.

-Nancy

 
Old 08-19-2011, 10:05 AM   #10
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Re: Made my 18 year old daughter leave

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Originally Posted by Belly Kelly View Post
I don't know if it helps much, but I do feel you are doing the right thing. My mother had to kick my brother out of her house at age 16 to go live with my father. My brother didn't want to live under my mother's rules. My brother spent years trying to get his act together, and he eventually did. He is now married to a wonderful woman and has two kids.

The only thing I could recommend is helping your daughter with any of her problems. Tell her you are willing to help her be happy and go to school if that is what she chooses.

As for the vocational school, that is the least of your worries. Chances are, however, she won't go to that either.

As for the boyfriend, I would call the cops on him. Having pot on you (or selling it) probably won't result in much jail time, esp. if it is their first time. However, it might be enough to scare the both of them and to bring her home.

I would give the relationship time between your daughter and her boyfriend. At such a young age, I am sure there will be a big fight and she will want to come home.

As for the passport, I wouldn't worry about it.
Well, I sometimes wish I had done things differently. I probbly should have had the kid removed from my home. However, he is only 17 and the cops would have taken a long time to get there. I was trying not tocasuse any further damage to my daughter. I know now that I should have called. She would have become uncontrollable again and the police said they would remove her permanently if they had to come back again. (they had been to my apartment 3 times since she was 14). I could not let her go through with what was in store for her. Now that she is 18 she would have a police record. She is truly talented and could be making about $1200 weekly if only she would stop using illegal substances and get away from the kid. He failed 10th grade twice and had to go to sumemr school this summer to get into 11th grade. She graduated and now I an wondering what she will do while he is in school.

I think she will get into more trouble. I don't know why but I am definately not optimistic when I think about her future and her responses and actions.

After speaking with a rehab counseler I learned that there is nothing I can do now that she is 18. I was advised to stop all help and assistance including the cell phone. We are reluctant to stop the phone service because she may need it in case she is in trouble. The counselor stated that if there was an emergency, we would be called by the authorities because she is under 21.... this really strikes a cord with me. If this is tru, then why can't we legally do something to intervene with her chosen path? We seem to be responsible if something major were to occur, however, not allowed to intervene and possibly change her destructive course.

I will keep praying and trying to help and support her emotionally. I don't sleep anymore and the stress is beginning to affect my health. Her younger sister is still at home and she is my saving grace.... if not for her future, I may have totally given up.

Thanks for your interest and if there is any more information or suggestions you may think of, please reply again.

Thanks,
Nancy

 
Old 08-19-2011, 10:27 AM   #11
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Re: Made my 8 year old daughter leave

BKPR,

Take a moment, grab a cup of coffee/tea and find a private place in your house or out in the woods, where you can sit and think and process all the info. you've been given, because it is overwhelming when it comes to your child and her problems.

Social Services was absolutely right, you need to quit "enabling" her current activities, and by hanging on to that cell phone, you're still doing it. If there is an emergency ANY cell phone will still dial 911 with or without service. So she's fine and has a way to call 911. I know you want your "little girl" back safely in your arms and home each night, I know you want to know what she's doing and with whom she spends her time. The problem is, right now this is all a bit of a romantic game for her. She doesn't have to face the reality of living like and adult and paying her own bills, because mommy and daddy still help with that. Your daughter chose to leave the security of your home and her family and until she truly realizes the consequences of her actions....she won't change. You need to stop paying for her cell phone, or car insurance or anything else you cover for her. Tell her that she absolutely may not have the car as she is now an adult living independently and she'll have to find her own transportation. You and your ex stop giving her money.....When she realizes that being on her own is hard and not so easy, she'll figure out what she needs to do.

I realize this sound harsh, but its exactly what I don with my son when he thought he was responsible and grown up enough to live on his own, he was looking for the adventure the excited happiness that surely came from living on his own....it didn't take him long to ditch the fantasy and come back to real life. That trouble child of mine has now finished college and is on his way to the Fire Academy at the end of the month. I do let him stay with me for now, but there is a very strict set of rules and he knows he only gets 1 chance and then he's not welcomed here any longer.

Kids need boundaries, no matter how old they are, they need to know that there is a line they can't cross and still expect to live in your home. She's going to figure this out in time. You have to remember just because Society call an 18 yr old and adult....there still a child in so many ways.

*S* Okay I'll stop preaching for now.

Take care and let us know how your doing.

kat

 
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