I found this site using google, which linked me to a thread that I really wanted to join, but couldn't because it was closed. I actually started to cry because I realized that I am not alone...
I am a step mother to an 8 year old girl. Her father and I are not actually married, but we have been together 8 years and also have been living together for 5 (we met shortly after she was born, she will be 9 in a month).
We parent together as a team, she is here every weekend and on Wednesdays. We have an excellent relationship (at least I thought so!) we do all kinds of things together, as a family and sometimes just her and I if he is working. We always have fun!
The problem is her mother. She hates me, and has since the beginning. Now that his daughter is getting older, the problems are starting. He mother talks bad about me in front of her, and she hears all kinds of nasty things.
She has started telling her mother lies about me, like I am some nasty step-mother. She says I yell at her, I make her clean the house, I am mean, and so on and so on...I believe this is because she hears her mother talking bad about me, and so she joins in, gains the attention of her mother, therefore being rewarded for saying these things.
Of course this causes problems at home between her father and I. It is so stressful since I try so hard to be a good to her, and I am always being accused of something. He knows what really happens and knows that these things are not true, but is always put in the middle of his ex and myself...I don't know what to do, we have tried talking to her about this a million times, and everything seems good, but then she goes home and makes up lies...I am at the end of my rope with the situation, I don't know what to do!
When I saw the other thread I was so happy to see that I am not the only one in this boat! I hope to find some support on here...would love to hear from someone with a similar situation
I am sorry about what you are dealing with. I don't understand though why you worry so much about what she says to her mother. Her father and you both know what she says isn't true, so why does that bother you? She is only 8 and is obviously try to please her mother by badmouthing you. Just accept that and don't let it get to you. Her mother won't change and you are just wasting your time thinking about this. This is exactly what her mother wants, so don't buy into it. Don't let her disrupt a good situation that you seem to have with the girl and her father. Good luck to you!
When she goes home, complains to her mother, then of course her mother calls our house and starts fights with my spouse...its a non stop battle, and is very frustrating. We are trying to raise a good kid, but what she is doing is not good. It's lying, and being deceptive, both things are not what we want for her.
Also, what if god forbid she ever goes home and say something even worse? or if we have to ever go back to court? her mother is going to make all these accusations against me.
And on top of all that, how do you think it makes me feel? easy to say just ignore it, but try as I may, when she does thinks like this I can't help but feel a little resentful towards her and that makes me feel like I am a horrible person. It is such a frustrating situation.
Hi Stepmother...I know you said you have spoken to her a million times and it helps temporarily. But you might say something like, "Hon, your father and I know what you are doing and maybe you're doing it because you feel guilty for having such a good time when you are here. I know you are trying to please your mom and someday we hope she finds happiness, she deserves it! She is a great mother to you. (dont use the word "but") It does sort of hurt my feelings,though, when you say things that aren't true. We love you too and, like your mother, we want the best for you." I would just say nice things about her mom so she can see that you are not hostile, resentful or bitter. If her mother cant set the example, then you can! Good luck! BTW, I am not a step mom. My husband is a step father to my son...but we wont go there...