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Old 12-30-2011, 01:39 PM   #1
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Question Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

I have a 14 year old daughter and her father and I divorced when she was 2. He has been with his current wife since my daughter was 1 1/2. (yes, before we seperated) I am thankful that I can say that her step mother has been very good to her. She does have a very controlling personality, and I think I have dealt with it pretty well. My personality is more passive and non-confrontational, which I believe is what is biting me in the butt now. Although my ex and I do not have "physical" joint custody legally ( I am the custodial parent), we have been living as though we do. He and I have her equal time. Her step mom and I have had our "power" struggles in the past, but generally we get along.

My daughter was diagnosed with Diabetes this year, and SM has COMPLETELY taken over. She orders my daughters medication, she talks back and forth with our nurses without including me. She has taken a class to learn how to adjust my daughters dosage formulas herself, she takes my daughter to get flu shots without my knowledge, so that when I make an appointment for it, my daughter says, "I alreay got my flu shot." The last appointment we went to for her Endocrinologist, they were giving SM all the paperwork to sign, talking to her about my daughter right in front me, like SHE was the mom. Until finally I said.. I'm her mom, and I will sign those.

If my daughter has to fill out any kind of emergency information, she lists her step mom as her "mother" and writes her phone number, she has her listed as her mother on facebook, she doesn't even have me listed as family.

I am not an absent mother. I am very involved with my daughter. I want a close relationship with my daughter, but I feel like this woman has taken over and taken my child away from me. My daughter and I have always had a good relationship. I struggle financially and the Dad and step mom are very blessed financially. When a new movie comes out and I tell my daughter that I want us to go, her SM has already taken her. I feel like I don't even have the chance to raise my own daughter. When I was young, I took dance class thru my entire youth. I had told my daughter I wanted to get her into dance class. Next thing I know.. SM has signed herself and my daughter up for dance class.

Am I losing my mind or are my feelings justified? I tried to talk to SM about it, and she said she is not going to stop being a mom to her. I don't want her to not have a relationship with my daughter, I just want to be able to be a part of my daughters life. SM has 2 other children, I wish she would focus more on them, and let me have my only daughter back. Let me do all the things that make raising a daughter rewarding and joyful.

Can someone please give me some insight on why I feel this way? Is it wrong?

 
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:06 PM   #2
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

You have every right and reason to feel this way. It's great that your daughter's stepmom cares so much about her yet you are her biological mother and should be in the loop about all things involving your minor child. Have you spoken to your ex about this?
I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I think that you should wonder where you are accountable in this situation with your daughter. Are there reasons why she doesn't want to acknowledge you and ways that you can adapt to have a better relationship with her?

 
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:28 PM   #3
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

I know that there have been times when SM has gotten upset with her because she didn't call her while she was with me. With the way SM has to control literally EVERYTHING, I wonder if my daughter would feel "bad" if she put my name in an emergency contact spot, or even put me as her mother on facebook page, in fear of hurting SM's feelings. She is very overbearing and I imagine to a 14 year old, even intimidated. That's the only thing I can think of, and the fact that SM is ALWAYS stepping in and solving problems before I even get a chance. For example, a few weeks ago my daughter got upset with her cheer coach and wanted to quit. When we got home that night I talked to her about why quitting was not the answer, etc. etc. and I told her that I would speak to the coach the next day at the game. When she told SM what had happened, she even said, "mom's going to talk to her tomorrow at the game", SM took it upon herself to email the coach and resolve it herself, late that night. I think my daughter is almost "brainwashed" for lack of a better word, into thinking SM is the one that will take care of everything, therefore, turns to her first. Does that make sense?

 
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Old 05-14-2012, 03:06 PM   #4
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

ok, I'm revisiting my older post becauase tho' I've been patient with this woman, I'm about to ring her neck. I'm really getting sick of her referring to herself as my daughters mom. I'm sick of her telling my daughter "mommy misses you", I'm sick of her signing permission slip for school activities that I never know about, taking her to dr. appts that I do not know about, making parent teacher conferences with her teachers that I do not know about, and pushing me out of my daughters life. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm going to drop her like a sack of potatoes!!!! Ok, I'm done venting. Ug.

 
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Old 05-14-2012, 03:49 PM   #5
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

Where is her father in all this? I don't see much of a solution without going the legal injunction route, and that will probably make things worse. You say that your daughter and you are close, so hopefully you will emerge from the situation with your relationship intact. Hang in there and be patient. (having said that, I would feel like wringing her neck too but it has been let go on for so long that it is not really feasible to try and make a fuss now). Sera

 
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:00 PM   #6
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

Her dad just don't mess with it. He's to lazy. I have let it go on to long and now it is interfering with my daughter and I's relationship. I swear her SM is a sociopath.... seriously. She is so malicious and vindictive. For now, I'm just going to go to the school, take her off all contact information, tell her teachers they are to only talk to me or her dad, and the same with her doctors. Period. I don't care if it gets worse. I'm ready to get my daughter and my rights back. Im the custodial parent for crying out loud. NOT her. Game on......

 
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:14 PM   #7
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

Go for it!! You are doing the right thing. (Or at least what I would do). You are fired up now and ready to take back your power. Caution: Be prepared for your daughter to be pulled into taking sides, which is my biggest concern. Best of luck, Sera

 
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Old 05-28-2012, 03:19 PM   #8
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

I have worn out the cartilage in my left hip and have had pain for the last 5 years or so. I am planning on having hip resurfacing surgery this year and recently had someone tell me prolotherapy may heal it without surgery. Does anyone have any information or experience in this technique? I would like to continue playing soccer and tennis and I am 55 years old.

 
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Old 06-01-2012, 04:27 PM   #9
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

OK, when my husband and I had Joint physical custody of our daughter, I was the PRIMARY physical custodian. which meant.... "In the event that the parents cannot come to a harmonious agreement regarding the minor child, the primary physical custodian will have the final decision making ability. You need to put your foot down. My daughter used to come home from her dads telling me that her step mom told her to call her mom. And she said she didnt say anything. I asked her if she wanted to call her mom and she said not really. I told her, "Then you tell heather that you already have a mom and would rather call her heather." She said that heather told her that if she wasn't going to call her mom then she could call her Mrs. XXX. What a Bit**! So right then and there I went from letting dad and step mom have her 50/50 to every other weekend. thats it. I was not about to have my daughter raised by another woman, and I certainly didn't want my daughter to feel like she had to do ANYTHING this woman wanted out of fear.

So, you can type up an e-mail to her step mom, explain to her that she is ,in fact, a STEP parent. thats all. Excercize your right as her primary physical custodian, and go to every other weekend visits until she agrees to back off. YOU are her mother. YOU should be signing all paperwork, handling dance classes, etc.. etc... I think you should make an itemized list of examples so that the stepmonster isn't confused as to what your reasoning is. This is her clearly over stepping her boundaries. Control freak or not, this is your daughter. your daughter!!!!!!!! Fight for her. I guarantee she will thank you in the end. And I'll bet when you have her the majority of the time, a lot of stuff is going to come to light. Record every conversation she has with her to cover your butt.... I guarantee you will be able to prove to an attorney later that she is trying to maipulate and control your daughter.

Make a seperate list for yourself of every single thing she has done, ESPECIALLY MEDICALLY, without your consent or knowledge. Get copies of all her medical records so you can see where she signed as her mother. Thats also proof. God, I could go on forever. I'm angry for you right now. I am so on your side with this it isnt even funny.

Correction, don't send an email to her. Typeit up, print it and send it certified mail. that way you know she got it. Be very specific as to how you think she is controlling and trying to pit your daughter against you. Her behavior in inexcusable and unacceptable! Dont be a doormat. i gotta hand it to you, I would have knocked her teeth down her throat already!!!!!!!!!!! Read and reread that letter a hundred times before you send a final draft. Its like two bucks to send it certified. Good luck. Keep me updated. I am so interested in this and have been through it. Run anything past this board that you arent sure of, and i'll def check it out. hugs to you!!!!!!!

 
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:02 PM   #10
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

I can completely relate. My son recently just got married and his step mom took over the whole reception, as well as my DiL's baby shower. I was as always last to get anything and be included. I am not intrusive and overbearing in ANY way, yet it hurts me tremendously that I am not included in any of the decisions in MY son's life altering events. I raised my sons on my own. I gave birth to them and did the PTA's, Den Mom, and all other events in their lives. I was not one of those 'dead beat mom's', I was alway ever present in their lives and was so proud of them. So to have to take a back seat to someone else has been tremendously difficult. I have done it only for the sake of happiness and civility. But reality is I would love nothing more than to punch her repeatedly in the face!!! She is a horrid woman for doing this!!! Yes, I agree that whatever the child(ren) need for calmness and happiness is of the utmost importance ... but to what degree??? These are MY children...not hers!!!! Yes, she can join in on the events and enjoyment...but it should be the parents that birthed and raised these children that should have top billing, not the 'step in parents'. I'm not saying that the step parents of some children are WAY better than natural born parents...but in my case I have ALWAYS been there for my child(ren). So for this person to take over is an insult!! And for my son to allow it to happen is even more hurtful!! Just recently my son berated me with insults and harsh words (cuss) that really harmed to the core. Yet he twisted it like it was all my fault even though it wasn't at all. He told me he would call me by Friday to let me know if I was to watch my grandson only for by Saturday when I hadn't heard from him & called him that I was the intrusive one!! He told me, and I quote...."**** Mom...what the ****!!?? Why the hell you'd think I would call you when I'd already told you I was going to work??!!" He didn't end up working and asked the step mom instead of me when I'd already told him if he had to work that I was available. I was hurt and didn't understand. All I asked was, "I thought I said you would ask me?" He went off like a firecracker!!! I had no tone in my voice when I asked that question too...I swear to you I didn't!!! In the end it resulted to my son hanging up on my and told me "whatever Mom" and I don't know if/when I'll get to have my grandson again as last time was month ago when they went on their honeymoon and I paid for their food and 1/2 of their Vegas wedding. So it seems like only good I am is writing checks to make them happy. so you see....I COMPLETELY relate!!! Like you... I am always the one being taken instead of being given too. How do we change this???? What is the right way without losing them altogether?? We are always walking on those eggshells and tightropes!!!!

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:52 AM   #11
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Unhappy Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

It's starting again. This time I blew up and blew up bad and said some horrible things to my daughter about her step mom, have made my daugther not want to be around me right now. More had happened, more hurt, more I held inside, until one small act pushed me over the edge and I lost it. Now I don't know what to do. I made myself look like a crazy person and now my ex-husband and his stepmonster have ammunition on me. I just want this to end.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 11:19 AM   #12
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

Hi, I am a step-mother to a 13 year old daughter and her two brothers along with having twoo kids of my own! But are situation is completely different here where my stap childrens mother doesnt want anything to do with her children you do! So I am gonna go at this in a different light in a way!

It almost feels like the SM in this situation is trying to do everything that you want to do with your daughter to build a relationship with her, or and to maybe get at you! I mean I treat everyone of my kids step and real the same my three step are treated as my own. But it sounds like this SM is going beyond and you that!

I dont think that you are not acting in which the wat you should be! She is your daughter and you want to have a relationship with her and the SM needs to see that and step out a little bit (or alot)!!! If I was in your shoes I would just straight up tell the SM that your her mother and she needs to back off court papers may even need to be filed about all the hospital papers! She is not the bio-mom so she should have no right to sign papers and to get things done without your consint! (I dont see how they are allowin this) On another note maybe you just need to go the your ex and say listen I understand that she (SM) wants a relationship with our daughter but I would also like one as well she need to step off!!!

All in all you have every right to be feeling the way you are and this is comming for a step mom hope I helped a little bit!!!

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 01:07 PM   #13
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

I have tried to talk to SM and Dad about this and her SM has flat out said "I'm not going to stop being her mom" She's even go as far to tell me that I should feel lucky that she even copies me on the emails she sends to my daughters nurses at all. they take her to dr. appointments for things and tell me after (like I wouldn't want to be there if something is wrong with my kid) She is very manipulative, she has turned friends against me, she gets involved with anything I'm involved in, just to make her presence known. She shows up at mother-daughter dinners on mother's day that is held by our church (that she doesn't even go to). I'm from Maine, I moved here while my ex husband and I were together. He started seeing her and we got divorced. She has been in my daughters life since she was 3. I'm thankful that she loves my daughter, and my daughter loves her, but it's gotten to a point where it is an invasion. I stayed here so that my daughter could be with her dad. I have NO family or support here. The only family I did have is my ex's family, because they know everything that happened with our marriage, they know he did wrong, and they have continued to love me like a daughter in law. Recently I went to their house and my ex-mother in law told me that my visit had to stay between her and I, because if SM found out, she would be livid. So now, she's basically manipulated the only family I have into being scared of her. she takes her to "mother-daughter" camp in the summers, she started that a couple years ago without even telling me. She's already planned a get-away for my daughter's birthday without telling me, or asking if I had plans for her birthday. I'm at my wits end. At this point she has taken my husband, my daughter, the only family I have, and a couple of my friends stopped talking to me cuz she emailed them and started hanging out with them. One of them even unfriended me on facebook. She refers to my daughter as her daughter all over facebook, my daughter even put SM as her MOM on facebook and didn't even add me as family. I was heartbroken. Thing is, I think my daughter is scared to include me in anything because her SM will be mad, and will treat her like crap. She doesn't call me when she's with them, but she texts and calls SM the whole time she with me....which I'm sure is initiated by SM just so she can interfere with my time with her.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 02:45 PM   #14
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Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

Well it sounds like the SM is trying to erase you outta your daughters life NO matter how ****** off you may get you can not allow that! As a step mother if my step kids mother was still involved I wouldnt keep them away from her! (if she changed he ways that is) But you seem like a very good mother and are not giving up!! Like I said in my post ealier it may be time to get courts involved may not be the thing you wanna do but it sounds like dad nor SM are gonna change anything they are doing! It is not right to keep kids away from parents unless there is a very good reason to and regaurdless I dont know your full life story but I dont see any reason where your daughter needs to stay away from you or be pulled and kept from you! And as far as the whole thing with her never texting you or calling you while shes at dads house are they taking her phone from her or telling her if she is caught talking/texting you she is in big trouble??? I would look into that if you havent already sounds fishy!! And I do agree I bet that when she is there she is told she better stay in touch alot or there will be hell to pay when she gets home.....My pesonal thoughts I almost think she is being forced to like her step mom and make some of the actions she is making!!! Maybe even look into putting her in coulsing while shes with you to get her to open up!!! There is something going on!!!...

 
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Old 11-14-2012, 06:10 PM   #15
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Angry Re: Losing my daughter to her Step Mother

You have every right to be mad. Take that anger and turn it into some serious confrontation. She may think that you are not quick to make an initiative because of your passive behavior towards her. She has NO RIGHT to even think that but she may be trying to control it because she doesn't think you can. I would RIGHT NOW call her in a very respectful, but to the point strong way. I am ****** at her and i don't even know her but if that was me i would be at her house right now looking into her eyes and making my point in as black and white as i could without getting too angry.. Good luck .. you have EVERY right to be angry and also try talking to your ex about this.. He should have said to back off to his new wife a long time ago!

 
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