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Old 01-13-2012, 08:58 PM   #1
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Exclamation my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

my sons are 3 yrs old. they are twins. they dont go to daycare i try to keep them with all people who are a good influence but i think someone is not doing their job. my husband and i are happily married and NEVER fight in front of them. they see no violence here and while we work my mother in law watches them. lately ive been seing some very worrisome behavior. my youngest (by a minute) seems to be very violent. i have a lot of health problems including a really bad knee to the point if a cloth FALLS on it i get really bad pain. both of my kids know that and it used to be that they would say watch mommys boo boo but now joey will run up and hit me in my knee on porpose then laugh about it when i start to cry. they he turns around and shakes his butt at me and say haha u got a boo boo. he sits on his brothers face so i cant even leave him alone with his OLDER brother for even 10 minutes... and to top it off hes starting to cuss. he called me a b***h the other day because i put him time out for hitting his brother. he is really acting out and im not really sure why. the only thing i can think of is that from september til november i didnt work and i was home with them all the time and now im back to work almost full time and i certainly cant figure out where hes learning this. i asked my mother in law and she swears up and down that they dont c any violence over there and theres no cussing there. i know they are around their cousins when she is watching them but i cant imagine them teaching him these behaviors. how do i fix this? im so worried because i am a young mommy (23) and i dont want to screw them up... thats my biggest concern. i love my kids more than anything in this entire world and i would do anything for them. im worried that these actions are a sign of what is to come and he is going to be getting in a whole lot more trouble as he gets older. he is so smart and i know he can do great things in his life... and im not just saying that because im his mommy he started walking at 11 months started saying full sentences by 18 months. he can carrry on a whole conversation he knows his abc's can count to 10 knows his colors and shapes. this child is extremely smart. before all this started he was such a caring child. when my mom passed away he was 18 months. every time he would see me cry he would say dont cry mommy i here then he would kiss me. if he seen any kinda mark on me or his dad or brother he would insist on kissing our boo boo. i dont know where this behavior is comming from but i wanna nip it in the bud before it gets any worse. i mean what happens if he wakes up and doesnt try to wake me up instead he sits on his brothers head. im at the point to where i wont let him sleep in his room with his brother. instead im making him sleep in my room with my husband and i and i know thats not exactly good either because now hes used to sleeping in bed with us but i just dont know what else to do to protect his brother from him while they are in their room. any advice would be greatly appreciated because at this point im at a loss here. thanks for reading this and i look forward to hearing from you!

 
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Old 01-14-2012, 02:46 AM   #2
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

He's 3 years old, and it sounds like he's just learning to be a little pain. I don't think that you should worry about it as much as you should discipline him. It's an appropriate age to teach him that his actions are not acceptable, and you should discuss with your husband ( and later your parents / in-laws ) how to discipline your children. You're singling him out a bit, and that does tend to make children behave worse. If you're not punishing him at all, then you're basically telling him that it's okay to act how he's acting. Since he's so young, it's pretty normal to start behaving like this, but you need to be firm with him so that it doesn't get worse later on.

There is someone or something he has access to where he is learning some of this behaviour from, and you need to find it ( or them ) and deal with it. If it's a person, let them know that it's not okay for them to expose your children to violence and language. Right now, they're only going to emulate what they see and hear, and even more if you don't show them that it's wrong.

However, you need to remember that you cannot shelter them too much, or they -will- rebel when they're older, and it won't be pretty. Be firm, but don't keep them locked up and hidden from the world until they explode and turn your life into a living hell. When you punish them, do it and wait until they come back to you later and apologise ( not immediately, or they will not learn ). Then let them know that you love them and that it's not acceptable to behave however they were behaving. If they see or hear something that you tell them is not appropriate, then don't just punish them for that - tell them that it's wrong, and what to do if it's an accident. My suggestion would be to tell them to change the channel, turn the tv off, go to another site ( if it's a website ), explain why hitting or kicking is wrong and that it hurts, and not repeat the "no-no words".

There's a fine line between punishment and abuse, if you choose to physically discipline your child then please make sure you're not crossing that line. In my opinion, spankings are acceptable, but not slapping or hitting. If your child thinks that hitting is okay, then he'll do it to others including your other child and continue to do it to you. Time-outs, denying them treats like soda or candies, or standing in a corner are all ways to punish otherwise. You should not deny them meals though, because that's just plain irresponsible. Teach them to earn rewards with good behaviour instead.

Good luck! And I hope you get some results and find out where he's learning this stuff from!

 
Old 01-14-2012, 10:10 AM   #3
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sachimi View Post
He's 3 years old, and it sounds like he's just learning to be a little pain. I don't think that you should worry about it as much as you should discipline him. It's an appropriate age to teach him that his actions are not acceptable, and you should discuss with your husband ( and later your parents / in-laws ) how to discipline your children. You're singling him out a bit, and that does tend to make children behave worse. If you're not punishing him at all, then you're basically telling him that it's okay to act how he's acting. Since he's so young, it's pretty normal to start behaving like this, but you need to be firm with him so that it doesn't get worse later on.

There is someone or something he has access to where he is learning some of this behaviour from, and you need to find it ( or them ) and deal with it. If it's a person, let them know that it's not okay for them to expose your children to violence and language. Right now, they're only going to emulate what they see and hear, and even more if you don't show them that it's wrong.

However, you need to remember that you cannot shelter them too much, or they -will- rebel when they're older, and it won't be pretty. Be firm, but don't keep them locked up and hidden from the world until they explode and turn your life into a living hell. When you punish them, do it and wait until they come back to you later and apologise ( not immediately, or they will not learn ). Then let them know that you love them and that it's not acceptable to behave however they were behaving. If they see or hear something that you tell them is not appropriate, then don't just punish them for that - tell them that it's wrong, and what to do if it's an accident. My suggestion would be to tell them to change the channel, turn the tv off, go to another site ( if it's a website ), explain why hitting or kicking is wrong and that it hurts, and not repeat the "no-no words".

There's a fine line between punishment and abuse, if you choose to physically discipline your child then please make sure you're not crossing that line. In my opinion, spankings are acceptable, but not slapping or hitting. If your child thinks that hitting is okay, then he'll do it to others including your other child and continue to do it to you. Time-outs, denying them treats like soda or candies, or standing in a corner are all ways to punish otherwise. You should not deny them meals though, because that's just plain irresponsible. Teach them to earn rewards with good behaviour instead.

Good luck! And I hope you get some results and find out where he's learning this stuff from!
ty. we do time out and corners. we also have a board where when they are good they get to put a sticker up and when they are bad they dont get one and after they get so many stickers they get a treat that they choose. usually they choose to go to chuck e cheese. although lately my joey hasnt really gotten many stickers lately. we dont hit our kids at all. we dont feel that hitting will do anything but teaching them that violence is ok. my first thaught when all of this started happening was that my mother in law MUST be hitting them because before this they knew hitting was wrong and only did it to each other every once in a while. we talked to her and she said she didnt so then i asked her if maybe theyre watching things that they shouldnt be over there. yet again we got a no. i know they dont watch anything with cussing or violence here because they only watch the shows i put on for them which include little einsteins the backyardagains bubble puppies and so on and so forth. im not trying to single him out, but i feel like the only way to ensure that he doesnt do anything to hurt himself or his brother at night is if he sleeps with my husband and i because if he even rolls over it wakes me up so i know he couldnt sneak away and do anything. im hoping that when he realizes that mikey gets his treat because hes been being good he will stop his behavior but i know thats a long shot. i was thinking about taking him to play therapy to see if maybe a therapist can figure out whats going on... i have no idea what else to do. i dont shelter them by any means i just try to keep them away from anything that could be a bad influence. thanks for taking the time to respond and for your advice.

 
Old 01-14-2012, 01:38 PM   #4
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

You're welcome.

There's some way that he's seeing or hearing things you don't approve of, maybe he's changing the channel when you're not looking? A friend's 3 year old knew how to do that, and occasionally I'd find that he put it on to some violent movie ( because it had cars in it ).

The hitting his brother though, that's something we pretty much all do whether we learned it from watching or not. It's totally normal at 3, and even acting like he does and doing it "on purpose" is something I've seen many times. If you think a therapist would help, then by all means go for it. Never any shame in asking for help. =)

 
Old 01-14-2012, 10:20 PM   #5
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sachimi View Post
You're welcome.

There's some way that he's seeing or hearing things you don't approve of, maybe he's changing the channel when you're not looking? A friend's 3 year old knew how to do that, and occasionally I'd find that he put it on to some violent movie ( because it had cars in it ).

The hitting his brother though, that's something we pretty much all do whether we learned it from watching or not. It's totally normal at 3, and even acting like he does and doing it "on purpose" is something I've seen many times. If you think a therapist would help, then by all means go for it. Never any shame in asking for help. =)
ty. i am going to call my therapist on monday and ask her what she thinks. i have an appointment on wedsday but i really dont wanna wait til then. i have parental controls on the tvs so the only channels he can put on are the channels that i approve of for him. like noggin and what not only channels that show shows that are good for kids his age and even then he very rarely watches tv. he does know how to change the channel. he knows exactly how to use the remote thats why we put the parental controls on. again ty for your advice its nice to have somewhere to go where i can get some non bias advice.

 
Old 01-14-2012, 10:36 PM   #6
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

You're welcome. =)

Btw, I spoke with my own mother and she agrees with me - it's pretty normal behaviour for that age. You just have to teach them that it's inappropriate, and they'll learn. ( Pretty sure she knows what she's talking about too, she raised 5 children of her own! )

 
Old 01-15-2012, 06:00 PM   #7
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

ty for ur advice. it helps to have another mother to talk to. i would go to my mom, but she passed away a year and a half ago and i dont really have that great a lines open communication with my mother in law, i dont think shed ever really give me advice that she would be willing to live by. so i pretty much dont have any other woman to talk to that would really know anything about raising kids.

 
Old 01-15-2012, 08:36 PM   #8
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

Aw, I'm sorry to hear about both your mother and not having any fellow mothers to talk with. It sounds to me like not having a good relationship with your mother in law might be where your child is learning these things from. I'm not accusing her of deliberately doing things or lying to you, but if she dislikes you then it's enough for her to try to do something to make your life hard. Thankfully for you, there's plenty of women online who are more than willing to help! Also, once your children go into school ( or daycare ), you'll meet mothers that way.

 
Old 01-16-2012, 01:59 PM   #9
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

ty. daycare is pretty much a no go. the whole reason my mother in law watches them because i am too afraid of someone hurting them there and them being too young to understand that they need to tell mommy. there has been a few day cares around where i live lately that were shut down because they werent treating kids right. not only that only God knows what kinda behaviors theyd learn there. there is 1 or 2 moms where i work but i havent worked there long and it takes me awhile to start to get comfortable talking to people about personal stuff... thats why ive had the same therapist for 6 yrs and followed her to 2 places because i dont trust people easily. i know it sounds strange i cant talk to people i work with but i can talk to some stranger on the internet but thats because i dont have to worry about walking past someone i told and hearing them spreading rumors about my kids being mini hoodlums or something. sorry if u cant understand i can try to explain it better if you need just let me know. again ty for ur advice and for taking the time to listen (or read in this case) to me

 
Old 01-17-2012, 06:07 PM   #10
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

thanks! ill look it up and have my landlord look into anyone i find (hes a cop and can probably find things that i couldnt) im very protective over my kids. i was molested by 2 seperate people on 2 seperate ocasions when i was a child by people my mom trusted so im very cautious with my kids. i dont want their childhood ripped away like mine was. it takes a lot for me to trust people. in fact my kids' pedi is actually the pedi i had growing up. i love her to death shes amazing. in fact she doesnt even have an on call service. i called once on christmas and it was transferred straight to her cell phone and low and behold she answered. i just want whats best for my kids and i take all precautions i can with them to make sure that nothing bad happens. dont get me wrong i dont shelter them i just dont put them in dangerous situations. again thanks for your advice and i will look into that website.

 
Old 01-17-2012, 07:08 PM   #11
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

Everyone on there has been through a background check, as stated. I hope you find someone great! =)

 
Old 02-13-2012, 07:32 AM   #12
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

I'm curious how your twins are doing now? It does sound like normal 3 year old behavior that you are describing. Kids experiment with action=reaction sequences all the time. Most kids learn how to hit in their toddler years, even if nobody around them has ever lifted a hand to them or anyone else. It's a natural survival mechanism. The first time your son hit, if it got any sort of reaction, which I imagine he did, he learned it was something that got a reaction. Doesn't matter what the reaction was (shock, anger, sad face, laughter, etc....), if an action gets a reaction, the behavior will be repeated.

Hitting, cursing, kicking, biting.... any negative behaviors a child tries will always be repeated if there is a reaction to that negative behavior. The same can be said for positive behaviors, as well. Helping, loving, sharing, random kindnesses.... all positive behaviors that will also be repeated if there are reactions. The trick is to learn how to not react to negative, while at the same time, addressing and correcting the behavior.

To not react to a negative behavior, is not the same thing as ignoring a negative behavior. My definition of not reacting: show no emotion, and do not raise your voice. Talk about the negative behavior using short, age appropriate phrases, using a very matter of fact voice and mannerism, give a consequence for said behavior, and make sure your son knows he chose the consequence by doing X (negative behavior). Once the consequence is over, make sure restitution is made (have him say sorry if his behavior was hurtful, have him clean up if he made a mess, if he broke something have him fix it, etc....), and then it's over with. During this whole time, you need to show zero emotion, be very matter of fact, and pay as little attention to him as you possibly can, while still addressing and correcting the problem. After it's over with, give equal attention to the offender as you do the other sibling, like nothing had happened. I hope that made sense!

Be consistent, stop bad behavior before it escalates to worse behavior, and be fair (not equal, just fair.... ).

ALSO, have you tried taking your mother in law out, just the two of you, and having a heart to heart with her about your children? Make it a partnership between the two of you, instead of, "she's my husbands mother and she keeps my kids during the week," kind of thing. You might be surprised at what you can learn from her. You don't have to follow her advice, but you might want to listen to her ideas, take the ones that worked for her and tweak them to fit your ideas of how you want to raise your children.

Last thing.... you really should put your son back into his own room. Once they get used to sleeping with you, it's really hard to break the habit! Wean him down slowly if you have to, but start now. It just makes it hard on your relationship with your husband if your kids are always around! Plus, you just need a break by the end of the day (I am thankful every day that none of my kids have twins!), and you can't really get that if your son is sleeping with you! If you are worried about him getting up in the night, put a baby monitor in there so you can hear what is going on.

I will say it again, this time not in parenthesis.... I am grateful every single day that none of my children have twins! That has to be such a challenge for you! If you have made it to 3 before their first hitting incidents, you're obviously doing something right with them! Don't be too hard on yourself.... you might be young, but from what I have read here, you seem like you are doing alright. You stay involved in your sons' lives, and you care about what they are doing, how they are doing it.... which is what children need from their parents. When there is a problem, you're on top of it, and you're trying to figure it out. That's good mommy-ing, in my book!

I hope something here can help!

 
Old 02-13-2012, 10:21 AM   #13
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

thanks. they are doing better. not a whole lot better but better than before. the hitting went from quite a few times during the day to maybe once a day and some days there is no hitting. they are also pretty much fully potty trained. we got them each a piggy bank and when they go potty on the potty or clean up their toys either when we ask or by themselves they get a quarter. when they do something bad they lose a quarter. when their piggy bank is full they get to go to chuck e cheese. it seems to work really well for us. we are thinking that it is safe to put joey back in his room i think i might dig out my baby monitor to use just to ease my mind because although they are doing much better and joey is not acting so badly and he hasnt sat on his brothers head in about 2 weeks i still worry that its because im watching him like a hawk. sorry if i didnt explain things right im having a tough day my uncle passed away last night and i didnt get much sleep.

 
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:02 AM   #14
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Re: my sons' behavior is VERY concerning need advice PLEASE

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a family member is such a terrible thing to have to go through. I pray you and your family will find peace through this trial.

Second, I have to apologize for my earlier post. My gosh, I always sound like this extremely annoying know-it-all type (it's something I have to work on!), and the reality is, I am just as lost as any other parent out there! I just happen to be pretty good with other people's kids! Ask me what to do with my own kids, and I'm fairly clueless! BUT, I'm learning more every day.... that's what this parenting thing is all about! It gets hard and frustrating at times, and we are so worried about every single choice we make for them, because we love them so much and they are so sweet and beautiful and innocent, we don't want to mess that up! Anyway, so I am sorry if I sounded like this, "I know so much more than you...." kind of person. I'm just trying to figure it out one day at a time, same as you.

I'm glad things are getting better with your boys. I love the piggy bank idea. My family just started something similar, and they're working towards Chuck E. Cheese too! We use jars (plastic ones!) and pinto beans, though. I used to try money, but I NEVER remembered to pick up more change for the money jar, so we got very inconsistent with it. Pinto beans are cheap to buy in bulk, they last forever, and after they fill up their jar, you can dump them back into the bean jar and use them again (so forgetful parents like myself don't have to keep apologizing for not having any change!). Anyway, I just thought I would share that with you.

Also, big WOW! It's very impressive that you've already gotten both of your boys potty trained! That's quite the accomplishment! Potty training one kid is hard enough!

What I said about getting your son back into his own bed? Well, I have to apologize there, because I neglected to mention that I was speaking from personal experience! My now 6 year old started sleeping in my bed with me when she was not quite 3, and her daddy was deployed. I got lonely and would actually go get her sometimes and bring her to bed with me! BAD MOMMY!!! She ended up sleeping in our bed every single night all the way up until she started Kindergarten this year! Thankfully, she almost always started out in her own bed, but around 10-11, she'd come wandering into my room.... it put a strain on my relationship with my husband.... nothing too terribly noticeable, but just that underlying tension that was always there. So when I said you need to get him back to his own room, it's because I made that mistake and paid dearly for it! You don't sleep as well, he doesn't sleep as well (which will lead to more aggression and acting out), hubby doesn't sleep as well.... it's just better for everyone if he doesn't get into that habit. So I'm not judging or being a know-it-all, just offering friendly advice based on my own experience and not great judgment!

Last thing.... I noticed in your earlier posts here that you and another poster (sorry, I can't remember the name!) were talking about you needing down time and getting a sitter, or daycare? I totally agree with you needing down time, but I totally understand not wanting to leave the boys with strangers! I am the same way! I'm only just starting to leave my 17 month old with friends (really good friends) for a few hours at a time! I'm just over protective that way! So what I do for down time, is I make sure my kids get a good 2 hour rest every day, including weekends (they don't have to sleep, they just have to be in their rooms reading or trying to sleep.... no tv, because that keeps their brains stimulated and they can't settle down.... and they go to separate rooms, not together in the same room. My kids share a room, so at rest time, one ends up in my room). AND, I put my kids to bed between 7-7:30 each night. That way, I have a good several hours (I never go to bed until around midnight) to myself. I love my evenings. It's a good time for me to relax, unwind, straighten things up, get ready for the next day, and relax and unwind some more.... and all mostly uninterrupted (they're kids, they do get up on occasion!). It's also a great time for me and my husband to spend time together, as well.

Anyway, that's all. I hope your days continue getting better. And again, prayers for you and your family for your loss.

 
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