I am a new mother to a beautiful 6mth old baby boy, he is my world yet I am still learning how to deal with new feelings and motherhood in general.
The last week or so it really feels like my whole life is my baby which is amazing and I would literally die if anything happened to him but it feels like I am on autopilot running around and when my husband gets home its like we are both so wound up its hard to even settle down to talk, this is motherhood I know but its just weird in ways, my life has changed since i had my baby so much for the better but at the same time the worries and responsibilty at times feel overwhelming.
Sometimes I may get a couple of bottles of beer to unwind and my husband and I share them, lately i was feeling really guilty re the beer even thou i would not get drunk id only have a few, I kinda felt like i wasnt really fully present for my son like my mind at times is somewhere else, I have always felt an immediate strong bond with him but the last week because i have been tired and probably need a break I have felt a little less connected with him, this really scared me as I am so frightened when i feel anything less then absolute unity with him in my mind if that makes sense, i dunno it just frightened me , i went through a period of depression in the past and i got really worried about my relationship with my husband and started a intense bout of questioning around my love for him and the rightness of our relationship, I have quite an anxious mind, our relationship is generally great sure he does my head in at times and I feel at times i could be happier in general as in overall life balance but we get on well and i do love him, i suppose it just worried me because i am so afraid of ever going through that again.
I suppose love is such a scary thing and to love someone truly takes a alot of courage, I am still learning and the road is rocky for me because of my own families and my past, I constantly question like even with my son I think does he love me, I will get worried he doesnt love me anymore and feel guilty that im a bad mother and somewhat numb.
I suppose its just overwhelming and tiring and when u think alot on top of it, i literally spent the first two years of my marriage so stressed and analyzing my relationship then coming to the conclusion i love my partner and wud die if i lost him yet couldnt stop the analyzing, I have gotten so much better, I am just wondering can anyone relate.