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Old 05-14-2013, 05:51 PM   #1
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My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

I have 2 daughters, 17 and 19. The do not get along. The issues, to me, are typical sibling crap. My youngest does have issues and is in therapy.

Over the weekend, my 19 yo tells me she's moving out of our home and into the home of some boyfriend of 2 months that I never knew she was seeing. She always brought boyfriends home and we have always had a good relationship. She says its because of her sister.

I know nothing about this boy. Never met him, know nothing about his family except he lives with his mother and brother. I heard he is around 24.

I am beyond devastated. Since she is 19, I could not stop her. I did take her car (I paid for it). I cannot get through a day without crying. At this time, I do not even want to talk to her.

I need objective advice. I feel, right now, like just cutting her off so I can function. Yes, I'm a little old fashioned but not that bad. If I knew this guy and his family and felt they had her best interest at heart, I would feel better about this. They've only been dating 3 months!

I cannot think any more. I'm just a mess

 
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Old 05-14-2013, 06:01 PM   #2
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

Sorry to hear of your disappointment.

As much as it hurts your feelings, I personally think it would be better for you to be supportive of her. Keep communication open. Meet the young man. At some point she is going to need her mom. As a mother myself, I'd rather be there for my daughter, even if I don't agree with her choices, than to risk losing communication, or even, her completely.

 
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Old 05-14-2013, 06:11 PM   #3
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

I agree with the above. I will also say that it is not about you, it is about her and where she is. She is not doing it to upset you. I can understand your concerns - be proactive and visit this family; getting to know them will remove half your worry. Finally the question is would you rather be "right", or have a daughter? Sera

 
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Old 05-14-2013, 07:10 PM   #4
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

This is all very fresh. She left the night before Mothers Day (nice gift, huh?). I cannot imagine what kind of mother would allow her son's teenage girlfriend to move into their home without even contacting me? She is collecting rent from my daughter. I think of her as little more than a glorified pimp taking advantage of a confused, emotional kid.

Meeting this man and his mother now would likely lead to police involvement. I am more than disappointed in my daughter. Anger does not begin to adequately describe my feelings toward BF and mother.

Maybe I need time to digest this. Still trying to help my youngest with her issues. This has pushed me over the edge.

 
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Old 05-14-2013, 07:26 PM   #5
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

If your daughter was 14 I would agree with your opinion of the mother. Your daughter is legally an adult. Why would she feel that she had to contact you? Keep those lines of communication open or you risk losing your daughter by backing her into a corner.

 
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Old 05-14-2013, 08:07 PM   #6
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

Because contacting me would be the right thing to do. Just because she's 19 doesn't mean she's a mature adult. I would certainly contact the parents if the roles were reversed. I couldn't do what she did to another mother.

 
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Old 05-14-2013, 08:39 PM   #7
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

I remember when I was 19 yrs old, don't you? I don't know about you, but I had a job and a studio apartment when I was 18. Some kids went off to college, some went to work. Either way, many moved out at 18-19 yrs of age.

Moving out, leaving home is never easy...whether you are the child or the parent, it's hard.

My daughter went into the military at 18 yrs of age, right out of high school. That was tough for me. I didn't want her to leave, but I knew she had to live her own life. I chose to be supportive and hide my own hurt. It wasn't about me, it was about her...and I didn't want her to go out into the real world with any negative feelings. I wanted her to know I was always there for her, that I loved her and my door was always open. My daughter is 25 yr old now and living out of state. I am proud of her, and love her dearly. Even though I don't like the fact she lives so far away, I do not try to pressure her to come home, nor do I try to make her feel guilty for living her life. However, if she meets up with some abusive jerk, you know I'll be there faster than a speeding bullet.

People don't always do what we think or feel that they should do.

I agree Seraph.

 
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Old 05-14-2013, 08:47 PM   #8
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I find it strange that your daughter kept her new boyfriend secret must be a reason for that either she knows you would not approve of him. If your daughter has chosen ?? Boyfriends in the past this might be more of the same. If your daughter wants to leave so be it take a break from her and focus on who is there now your younger daughter
Your 19 daughter will undoubtedly call when she needs something and then you can decide how to react when you have had to think about. I have a 21 year old son and although I am not in your same situation I've been through similar with my son over the years but I do agree in open lines of communication as long as she knows you don't like what she is doing and can't agree with it you still want to be just a phone call away. What if your daughter comes to her senses and want to call but feels she cannot because of this you don't want her to stay if the guy is mistreating her or she feels trapped. The doesn't mean you have to cater to her seemingly bad decision. I to am on the old fashion side but this is my third and youngest child and you can't rule them with a iron fist I tried on the other two and that still haunts me to this day.
Be firm but be there atleast for a phone call I have a no questions ask rule for my three kids as much as I may want to know its better to to just know their ok

 
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:58 AM   #9
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

Yes, there has to be something about him she knows I wouldn't like. That was totally out of character for her. He must be a real winner. I'm afraid of so many things, her not finishing school, getting pregnant, getting involved with drugs, etc.

Between my younger kid's issues, oldest moving out, new job this week, I feel like I can barely function. My brain is like overcooked scrambled eggs. I'm hoping how I'm feeling will ease and I can talk to her. Right now, it just hurts too much.

 
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:59 AM   #10
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

Yes, there has to be something about him she knows I wouldn't like. That was totally out of character for her. He must be a real winner. I'm afraid of so many things, her not finishing school, getting pregnant, getting involved with drugs, etc.

Between my younger kid's issues, oldest moving out, new job this week, I feel like I can barely function. My brain is like overcooked scrambled eggs. I'm hoping how I'm feeling will ease and I can talk to her. Right now, it just hurts too much.

 
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:46 AM   #11
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

I am sorry this has happen to you and of all times, Mothers Day weekend. I also have a 19 yo daughter and a 21 yo son. My daughter and I are always in some sort of power struggle and sometimes, I give her the fight she is wanting and others I walk away from. I have not experienced this kind of situation but as an outsider, I would just let her be. She will come back to you when she is ready. Let the dust settle and things will eventually relax. Trying to "control" her in any way, shape or form will only make things worse. She is 19. A legal adult. Now, she wants to get out and spread her wings...make her OWN choices as we did at that age. The more you protest to her choice, the more she will fight you. Pray for her. Pray for yourself. You need to heal and she needs to see the light. Its hard to be a parent to kids at the legal adult age...its a matter of finding the right balance. Helping our kids the best way we can without them being angry with us is VERY difficult. Dont take it personal...she is probably just wanting her freedom. Her independence...even if shes living with his family. Shes away from mommas grip and thats what she wants. Big hugs to you and I will pray for you and your situation.

 
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:56 PM   #12
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

Thank you all for your input. I've spent over a decade as a single mom putting my kids needs well above my own. I've done everything I could, raised them with values and morals, taught them the importance of integrity and character. I can do nothing more than pray some of it stuck. I cannot spend another minute wondering where I went wrong. I didn't.

Maybe it's time to put me first. It'll take time, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

 
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:59 AM   #13
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jrzgrl64 View Post
Thank you all for your input. I've spent over a decade as a single mom putting my kids needs well above my own. I've done everything I could, raised them with values and morals, taught them the importance of integrity and character. I can do nothing more than pray some of it stuck. I cannot spend another minute wondering where I went wrong. I didn't.

Maybe it's time to put me first. It'll take time, but I'm gonna give it a shot.
Yes!, put yourself and your other daughter first. I would not make any attempt to meet this family, the fact that they are charging your daughter rent puts an image in my mind of low class trailer trash that need more beer and cigarette money. Let your daughter make all the moves to keep in touch with you. It is her mistake so let her learn a life lesson and live with the consequences.

 
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Old 05-18-2013, 02:11 PM   #14
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Re: My 19 year old daughter just crushed me to my soul

I agree with you, Vegas. Her life, her mistakes, her consequences. This mom has been kicked enough. It's been such a long time since I took greater care of myself and what makes me happy. Kinda looking forward to it! What she did hurts me terribly, but I can't dwell on it. Had to look up that Serenity prayer! LOL!

 
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