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Old 07-12-2013, 07:35 AM   #1
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help my daughter is gay and won't talk to me

I have a 16 year old daughter and we have always been very close, still are. I think? I have known for over a year that she may be gay, since I found a love letter she had written to her previous girlfriend. I innocently thought they were just 'besties' for a long time but then her friend did not want to hang around with her anymore. This had a huge impact on my daughter and looked much more like a love relationship break up than just the end of a friendship. She was heartbroken, She had been dumped. I pointed out I thought she was heartbroken, I never asked if she was gay.

Now, over a year later, she is in another relationship with a female who is 2 years younger than her. Her current girlfriend is rather masculine in appearance. I have also seen love notes. In fact, my daughter left a whole pile of them laying on her bedroom floor as if she wanted me to read them? I'm not sure. I read one but I never said anything. I feel bad for her, I don't know if she was trying to tell me something. She and her girlfriend (I'll call her) are always together and have frequent sleep overs. I'm not sure this is a good idea. I don't know what to do!

My daughter has not said she is gay, I have not asked, I don't know if I should. I have also looked on their twitter accts and they are clearly involved in a love relationship.

One of my concerns is that my daughter is sad because none of her other friends seem to want to hang around her any longer. I found out through the grapevine that she confided in her supposed 'best friend' about her preferences. I fear these other girls may be staying away from her because of her disclosure. I'm not sure that my daughter understands this. I wish I could talk to her and help her through this but I don't know how without her willingness to let me in.

Can somebody help? I love my daughter and want to help her. Her sexuality is not of concern to me, I totally support her, but in private for now because she does not know I know. She just seems very sad and I don't know what to do. I have always been told, let them come to you, otherwise they will feel accused. Any adivce???

 
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Old 07-12-2013, 08:32 AM   #2
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Re: help my daughter is gay and won't talk to me

Hello Angelmom,
Welcome to the board, I to have gone through this my daughter went through this a few years back she thought at the time she was bi-sexually. However first let me say. About sleepover, this is how I dealt with that, would you allow the boyfriend to sleep over? If you say yes then I don't see a problem. if you would not, then you must follow the same rules. When I went through this with her, I set the rules in motion the same way as i did as if it was a boy she was dating. I also would make her follow the same rules as (teens) boys and girls did when they were dating. I was lucky enough for her to come to me, I think her leaving the notes all over the floor is a sign that she wants you to find out, Unless, you are not supposed to me in her room. If you DO NOT have a problem with this then you need to come out and ask her. You said that you have a good relationship with her so then there should be no problem confronting her on this. As parent it is our obligation to know what they doing and who they are doing it with. If she is experimenting with this girl then you need to make sure she is aware of all the danger of STD she can get. Young girls think it can only happen from penetration or it will never happen to them.. Not realizing you can get mouth STD, or sorry I am going to be very blunt here, if they are using toys the can spread them too, and most young ones are not aware of this. My daughter was very open with me and told me thing I was shock to hear. Not only about her but other girls she was in school with to. I was so unaware of how much this is going on in the younger generation. Just be honest and open with her. I used the laundry as an excuse that she left it in her pocket when I need to confront her on a matter.

 
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Old 07-12-2013, 09:40 AM   #3
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Re: help my daughter is gay and won't talk to me

Thanks, that's good advice about the sleepovers and I agree. My live-in boyfriend seems to think that she is manipulating the situation of having sleepovers by not telling me about their relationship because if she did, the sleepovers would stop. I suppose I'm just leary of confronting her, because I don't want to push her away. I guess I'll never know her reaction until I try.

 
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:11 AM   #4
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Re: help my daughter is gay and won't talk to me

Hello, don't worry about confronting her, trust me on this. If you don't have a problem with this then there is nothing to worry about. I did not have a problem with my daughter being gay, I was just upset because of all my vision and dreams I had for her where no longer going to happen. However I realize she was a teenager and was going to have her fair share of "friends" in her life. What I did to show her I was OK with it is I took them out to lunch and we went shopping. this also let me get to know her and see how the acted together. That when I realized it was a phase. I was right after that summer she started dating boys again. I also wanted you to know that my daughter and I also went to counseling. I had her do counseling by herself also it helped her a lot. Some insurance will cover this. I realize you said your daughter had a relationship before you think with a girl. This could be why she is reaching out to you by living note on her floor. I asked my daughter and she said yes it was a good sign that she problem want you to ask. But don't be surprise if she acts like she does not want you to know at first she said.

 
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