Living the Dream of a Schizotypal/Schizoid - Personality Disorder Message Board

carjol · 12-20-2002, 01:35 PM

Hi Everyone! WARNNING: This is long, but I think educational and interesting

I'm new to this place. But I think I'm glad that I've found you

I have many many 'problems'. But when I have to nail down why I'm on SSDI I just say I'm a Schizotypal/Schizoid and that I don't play well with others

I have several personality 'disorders', but I AM a Schizotypal/Schizoid 100%.

SCHIZOTYPAL PERSONALITY "DISORDER":
A pervasive pattern of social & interpersonal deficits marked by acute discomfort with, & reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior, beginning by early adulthood & present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following:
* Ideas of reference (excluding delusions of reference)
* Odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior & is inconsistent with subcultural norms i.e. superstitiousness, belief in claivoyance, telepathy, or "sixth sense"; in children and adolescents, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations.
* Unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions.
* Odd thinking & speech i.e. vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped.
* Suspiciousness or paranoid ideation.
* Inappropriate or constricted affect.
* Behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar.
* Lack of close friends or confidants other than 1st degree relatives.
* Excessive social anxiety that does not diminish with familiarity & tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self.

SCHIZOID PERSONALITY "DISORDER":
A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships & a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood & present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 4 (or more) of the following:
* Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.
* Almost always chooses solitary activities.
* Has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person.
* Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities.
* Lacks close friends or confidants other than 1st degree relatives.
* Appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others.
* Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity.

That's me alright. Every single one.

I'm 45, Divorced now for going on 4 years. I Never pro-created becuz I knew it wasn't a good idea for me or anybody. I live alone in a really wonderful old brownstone apartment with my cat Fillmore. After my Husband said he'd DIE if he stayed with me and left, I had a complete 'meltdown' both physically, emotionally and mentally. It was BAD...REALLY BAD. I was very lucky and got Social Security Disability right away. That's how BAD it was. They re-evaluated me last summer to see if I was still elligable to get SSDI as it had been 3 years, and they decided that I am PERMANANTLY DISABLED. Thank God cuz I can't deal with the people for real.

SO...Anyway...The Holidays...
I am Anti-Religion. Religions make me bazerk. But Thanks to the Anti-Psychotic 'Seroquel' I can 'tolerate' just a little the that I feel with this time of year. Most people are careful or completely agree with me. I am SO all by myself this time of year really rubs that in your face. For the most part, I can laugh that I don't have to deal with all that most of society has to. I AM FREE I AM FREE I AM FREE! I have zero pressure to do ANYTHING! There is NOTHING I HAVE to do! No one expects ANYTHING from me! It's SO GREAT! I have been feeling so good since September (we were screwing around with my Meds over the summer & now we got it pretty much perfect since September) I'm just so content & happy to be left alone and I just love my own little world here in my apartment, I actually wanted to make my own Holiday cards this year & they were fantastic. I'm an artist. I can't remember the last time I made my own cards.

I guess my point is is that I've figured out that I am what I am and thanks to SSDI and a great Psychiatrist (who got one of my cards by the way) I've found PEACE with & in my Life. Sure there's a pain now & then feeling a little sorry for myself that I don't get many cards or any gifts on Holidays, but being left alone is worth it in the big picture of things.

Anybody feel the same? Feel free to ask me about anything. I have allot of experience, boy DO I!

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Carol

[This message has been edited by minerva (edited 12-21-2002).]

blue cloud · 12-21-2002, 06:29 AM

hiya carol and welcome to the board

you were right i did find you post very informative it does look like you have your head screwed on and you are very good at expressing yourself im sorry to hear about you and your husband

i hope that you manage to get through the holday season ok and dont worry apart from family i get very few cards and presents too

well take care and i look forward to hearing from you again

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love and bubbles blue

carjol · 12-21-2002, 12:49 PM

Hey Blue, Thanks. I'm glad you found my post educational. That's what boards should be mostly all about right?
I just replied to your 'relationship' post that I hope you will find helpful.
Yeah, I was with Ben for nearly 7 years. He's 11 1/2 years younger than me. He was 23 & I was 34 when we met. I'll tell ya those were the most bliss filled, happy & fullfilling years of my Life. He was a true gift, we were both to each other. It just ran it's course I guess, cuz we were both pretty unhappy with each other in the 5th or 6th year. He was needing out side friends so much more & I was becoming so much more the introvert. He needs people for energy & to feel alive, where with me, people suck the energy out of me. People overwhelm me and I mostly just don't like them. We are both very happy now with how it all has turned out. But we will always consider those happy years together as the best years of our lives. It's OK.
PEACE

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Carol

blue cloud · 12-23-2002, 03:39 AM

i guess as the saying goes 'it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all'

i hope you have a good christmas and new year keep yourself safe

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love and bubbles blue

carjol · 01-07-2003, 12:43 PM

Hey there Blue,
How was the Holidaze for YOU? How was it with the Family and all that.
Holidaze's are just another day for me. Well, OK, I'll admit I was feeling very 'all alone' and depressed and even cried here and there, but I get over it pretty easily. But for the most part, no, it doesn't bother me at all. And in fact I feel great releif and Peace I'm spared what most people have go thru with Holidaze's.

About my X-Husband, yeah, it WAS better to have Loved and Lost for sure. I had about 5 years of such Bliss and Happiness in my Life time. At least I have known such Love. So it's all good.

Take 'er easy
-Carol

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Age: 45
Schizotypal/Schizoid, Hepitis C, Fibromyalgia, IBS, among other things.