chiron

Your personal statements sound as if you are "Trapped In The Mirror."

Your account reminds me of the child who has psychologically learned to stack the blocks as high as possible, only to have someone else come over and knock them down. After so many repititions of this frustrating activity, the unknowing child learns to stack the blocks as fast as possible, only to knock the blocks down before someone else can knock them down for them.

It is a psychological game of paradoxical self-control and self-esteem. Eventually, one comes to realize that what one is doing is self-defeating and very frustrating.

What you have described in terms of a search for avocation, calling, or self-employment and personal satisfaction appear to be related to a "Jack of All Trades" personality, a creative artistic type who is searching for completion.

Give some thought to the possibility that you were raised in a boring, unappreciative, and unresponsive environ~mental circumstance, a situation wherein envy and jealousy played a part in never being satisfied with what you could do for yourself in terms of personal growth, self-development, and self-sufficiency.

Nothing was ever good enough in what you could produce for yourself. Perhaps a significant other was never satisfied with your "job-performance" while growing up; hence, you keep repeating your personal efforts as a means of finding satisfaction and approval.

You are constantly starting over, striking out, or kicking at the doors of your own perception of yourself. Metaphorically, the closed doors of your life never seem to open for you just like you would have them do.

Apparently, you are looking for a way out of your personal dilemma through your posting, a way of liberation from your self-entrapment, hoping and looking for a personal balance and resolution in your life experience.

Age thirty-nine is a major turning point in life, which may open the doors of perception into adult maturity and self-acceptance. One of the major psychological challenges offered in the adult realm is the personal opportunity to review and assess what you have accomplished in your life up to this point.

Successful life performance, personal happiness, and self-employment satisfaction do not come with or from a "lifeless" title or job description, but are the active reflections of what you yourself put into the self-employment activity.

Two films that metaphorically explore the "truths" of our lives in different ways are The Ninth Gate and The Tenth Kingdom.