Did My Mother Cause This - Personality Disorder Message Board

skylan · 01-31-2003, 07:40 AM

I'm so confused about things. As a child my mother never showed any love for me, and she always put me down, I could never do anything to please her. I was beat all the time, and the only time I ever heard mother say anything about love was when she said "I wouldn't whip you if I didn't love you."
I feel so ugly and that no one wants me. I have been in some abusive relationships, and always felt that was all I deserved.
Ten years ago I married a man that doesn't physically abuse me, but the weird things he does is driving me insane. He moved out of our bed 6 months after we were married, and has slept on the couch ever since. He said he couldn't sleep because of my snoring. My sisters say I don't snore, so I don't know what's wrong. He does sneak and drink after I go to bed so I suspect that's the real reason. I can't go into my living room and watch TV if I get up early, because he's always on the couch sleeping. He's the tightest person I know, always fussing about what I spend.
I can't keep any friends for long, I always find something wrong with them. like I think they are stupid, or things like they'll think I'm too ugly. I can't sit down and carry on a conversation with them, because I think when they are looking at me, they'll be seeing right thru me.
I go thru these moods where I hate people, and then one day I get up and I may be nice to them, but most of the time I just want to be left alone.
I know I have depression, but all the meds I have tried work for a week or so and then I start getting worse. My doctor says I'm one of those people that can't take things like Zoloft, Celexea, Paxil, Prozac, I've tried them all. I go to mental health and just having someone to talk to helps some, but I can never carry through on any suggestions they may have.
I was never invited to a party when I was young and only once in my adulthood. That tells me how messed up I am.
I always picked a man that was down on his luck thinking I could make things better for him and he'd love me, but when things did get better for him, I'd end up getting beat and then he'd leave me. I think I have a caretaker personality.
I always think people are thinking the worst of me. I say things that are really bad, when I had no intention of saying them, they just come out of my mouth before I think.
Maybe someone can help me.
Thanks
Sky

Autumn Angel · 01-31-2003, 10:16 PM

Sky if I didnt know better I would think you were my long lost twin

. My mom was always loving to me and my Dad too untill I hit my early teens. Then I was a screw up and no guy would ever want me except for ONE thing!! Well my self esteem was shot to heck by then and I too went out with low life guys that didnt have a pot to p in thinking we could help each other. My first and only husband who I married when I was 23 ( I am 42 now) did nothing but physicaly and mentally abuse me. When I left him my self esteem was that of an ANT. My own father said I probably screwed up my marriage go figure. Well I ended up in a shelter for battered women and THEY showed me a better way and that I was a good person and I did deserve to be loved and its how we think of ourselves that causes most of our problems. I had lots of counsilling and it saved my life. Today I am a strong, emotionally independant mother of 3 daughters 21,18 and 12. I have never remarried and I happily enjoy staying single. Girl you are in the same trap I was in and I hope I can help you try and get out. If you need or want to talk unfortunatly we have to do it here on the boards because they dont allow the exchange of emails however they do allow you to post your icq number if you have it and we could talk that way. I have been there I have felt the pain of feeling unloved and worthless. WE are our own worst critics and WE do the most damage to our own self worth. Get out of that way of thinking ASAP or you will end up forever unhappy. God Bless and I am here if you need a friend.

------------------
Cheers...Autumn
Female...42
TMJD...12 years
Anxiety/Panic Attacks (cured I hope)
Total Abdominal Hysterectomy due to endometrial bleeding after miscarriage (2002)
Hernia Repair(1998)
Apendectomy (infected) 1988
21 year old daughter born with Mullerian Aplasia
18 year old daughter bulimia survivor.
If I can help ANYONE with anything from a papercut to a life threatening illness, I will do my best just to be a friend. " A friend is someone who knows all your faults and loves you anyway".

ffsmith · 02-22-2003, 07:09 PM

I am from a similar situation, but I am male.
I do not feel loved, or that I ever was, see myself as ugly, have never had a friend, and consider myself a failure…. Etc…

Sure your mother could have been part of the cause. But she probably had her problems too. Maybe her childhood was not that great.
Still she hurt you and that was wrong.

Some people would react differently in the same situation that you were in. So is not so simple to say that you mother is the one and only cause, I am sure there are other factors too.

She is not going to be the cure however. That has to be you.
I do not know if it is possible to overcome a bad past, so far I have not been able to do it.

Autumn Angel’s post is very hopeful. She points out that she had lots of help in the form of counseling.

Support and help is important.
Medication can be important in some cases also.
In my opinion luck and opportunity is also important in overcoming the past.

I hope you are able get what you need to feel better about yourself

Autumn Angel · 02-22-2003, 08:30 PM

Hi FFSmith....You rammed my point home about us being our own worst critics. I have read some of your other posts from other parts of this forum and you are very kind and helpful to others. I do not see an ugly failure like you do I see a man that despite how he feels about himself and how he THINKS others see him is reaching out and trying to make others feel better and help them with thier problems. Now where is the unworthiness and failure in that?? I think its time we all try and see ourselves how some other see us and relaise we are worthy of love and respect just like anyone else is. I know easier said than done but with support anyone can do it. Take care of yourself.

Autumn.

Kristie Alsteen · 03-19-2003, 06:41 PM

this must be where I meet my long lost family... lol. Your postings describe me. I get sick of people, I try to save everyone else, antidepressants don't work on me even tho the depression is clearly there, I feel as tho I am not good enough for anyone else to want to be around, I am angry at everyone but have no reason to be angry at most of them...

It has taken along time to get me diagnosed right. Antidepressants don't work because I am not depressed, I am bipolar. Antidepressants when given to a bipolar in a depressed state will gt them out of the depresed state, but they will send them into a mania instead of helping them. When in a mania a bipolar will be very moody and have other symptoms which can be much worse then the depression. Many doctors don't find the bipolar, because bipolar people when in a manic state feel as close to normal as what they know, so they don't reconize those times as a symtom of an illness, they think that is normal and just notice that it isn't very often that they feel that way.

I also have ADD. That causes me to forget thinks and makes me to see myself as stupid. (ie: I have a hard time remembering where I park my car, and I loose my keys alot) That makes me more depressed at times.

At any rate I think the key to helping yourself is to find out what you have. Maybe it is bipolar, maybe not. You sound like me, maybe ask your doctor if that is a posiability or do some research of your own on the web about it. The more you understand your illness and why you do the things you do the more you will see your symptoms. Also the more you understand your illness and accept it the easier it will be for you to look at yourself as someone who is a beautiful person with many special abilities and then you will feel better about yourself instead of being depresed.

That is what I try to do when I read someone's posting and think that I might be able to help them. I have now become proud to be bipolar and have ADD, because I can help other people, and that makes me feel worth something.