Me and My Life Are Collossally Screwed Up (Advice Needed!) - Personality Disorder Message Board

ptolemy · 06-08-2003, 02:44 PM

How can one change their entire personality? And by extension my life?

I can barely type this, my body gets upset. I've never been emotionally connected to anyone in my entire life (I'm 25); I'm lazy yet compulsive by nature (I try to fight it all the time); I have a sadistic side (that I try to supress); I get insanely furious sometimes (though I make sure not to hurt anyone); I am prone to be introverted to the point of disassociation (though less now); I fight self sabotage and self destruction as much as I can. I'm contrary by second-nature, yet I have a difficult time thinking for myself.

Part of the problem is when I was born, it triggered my mother's bi-polar disorder. My dad and her worked all the time. I don't think I had a lot of contact with kids my own age. My cousin (who was 4 years older than me) used to use me sexually between the ages of 5 to 10--I repressed these memories until the age of 13. We moved around a lot in my early years and then when we finally settled, I still got moved around from school to school a lot. I had believed that I had sexually abused my little brother in the same manner as my cousin (I didn't), and began to dissacciate even more than I usually did. This triggered deep depression and obsessive compulive disorder. I kept this non-existant "secret" to myself for about 3 years (it tore me up inside). I finally told a counselor and got that situation out I the open. But by then, I became distant from my peers for all those years and I couldn't relate to them. I gave up on life in many ways and I didn't realize it at all, because of the many anti-depressants I was taking *AND* since I had so successfully conditioned my mind to avoid reality at all costs that I didn't even realize I was doing it. I became afraid of life and I didn't realize it at all. I felt good most of the time, even though I was deeply lonely, directionless, and self-loathing deep down inside. About 2 years ago, I decided to change my life with positive self-talk, taking chances, and hesitantly branching out. I also dared to go off my meds. I wasn't sure why, but when they wore off, I began to realize that my life was beyond a mess. All my memories came back and assembled into a coherant whole. I was fully aware of who I was, and my past and present. I became suicidal and was hospitalized. I was given new meds and let out. I've learned to accept my life and the challenges, but it still is *REALLY* hard to build my life. I'm going to be getting my meds adjusted this Friday.

But I feel stuck. I don't know what to do with my life, I've barely experienced it. I don't know which vocation to go into (but it must provide Mental Health Insurance). I barely able to create meaningful relationships with people (even though I am well liked and get along with just about everyone).

I'm currently on 600mg of Serzone and 1200mg of Neurontin, I live at home, I have almost all my material needs met, but I feel like I want to die (I fight that too). I also see a counselor weekly (it barely helps).

I need all the help I can get! I DESPERATELY want to change and improve my life.

[This message has been edited by ptolemy (edited 06-08-2003).]

Asenath · 06-09-2003, 07:45 AM

ptolemy,

a couple questions

1. are you a guy or a girl?
2. do you have a job, if so, what do you do?
3. why are you taking Neurontin? It is my understanding that this is primarily for Epilepsy or chronic pain.

If you therapist is not helping, you need to find another one. Medication only treats the symptoms of depression and anxiety, it cannot correct the root problem (trust me I know)

Oftentimes, sexual abuse leads to a chronic mistrust of others, and a kind of self-loathing. It seems to me that you have retreated from social interaction, and that you lack social interest. Depression, personality disorders, and psychosis all have one thing in common, and that is the person becomes "self-absorbed, and self-obsessed." They cannot "connect" with others, because they are too involved with themselves.

If I can offer any advice, it would be this:

1. Take out a sheet of paper and list 10 things you have accomplished in life. This can be as simple as "graduated high school." Or "Opened a savings account." Then put down numbers 11-20 and leave them blank -plan on what you will do in the future.

2. Join a club of some sort. A Volley ball league or a chess club. Maybe even take a cooking class. Anything to get out of the house and into the presence of other people.

3. Start a hobby, such as painting, writing, working on your car, carpentry, etc.

And here is the crux. Everyone on the planet is screwed up in one way or another -you are not alone. We all have our secrets and our pain -it is a matter of coping.

One thing I noticed was that Serzone has some really bad side-effects such as liver failure. You want to stop this med and get on something safer such as Effexor. Nevertheless, anti-depressants all have side effects such as sexual disfunction, which can make things even worse!

ptolemy · 06-09-2003, 10:23 AM

1. I'm a guy.

2. I work at a video store.

3. I was prescribed Neurontin as a mood stabilizer.

Thank you very much for your suggestions

I'm going to be doing those very things.

Any other suggestions from anyone else are greatly appreciated.