VERY Troubled Marriage!!! Need A Shoulder! - Personality Disorder Message Board

dd50 · 09-12-2003, 08:22 AM

Morning folks,

New here today, and have been reading posts .. decided to introduce myself, and tell a bit of my story.

I've been told I have a low diagnosis of BPD.

I'm 51 years old, and married for the second time to Jim, who is 55 years old. We've had trouble since we married ... some is him, some is me. I really don't know how much is me, but I DO know that he can be very insensitive, unaffectionate and neglectful .. which is NOT something I can tolerate very well!

In the beginning, he spoiled me ... and I ate it up, since I'd been alone for 10 years after a divorce from my first husband ... and really needed the attention. But then he started acting like we'd been married forever .. no honeymoon ... romance, nothing. He's a very 'rough' character ... a diesel mechanic and doesn't take many showers ... or keep his fingernails clean (which are full of oil and grease). He tends to stay in his uniform all the time! UGH!!

He speaks of sex as 'fu-----' all of the time, it's never making love. He never wanted to learn me, and my body ... what I needed .. so it's pretty much for him (sex that is).

Needless to say ... we haven't been very happy. I feel I've done all I can do ... counseling, love, talking, etc. etc. ... and yes, praying. He hasn't done a whole lot ... accept say to me that he would/could be the husband I wanted ... if I would only 'trust him more' 'be happier' 'not nag so much', etc.

After years of this ... and him putting his family and car racing ahead of me, I've began to lash out, and fight back! Now this ... he does not like! I say too damn bad! I find myself raging at times ... and unable to control it ... I sometimes want to hurt him, like he's hurt me ... and because he's so damn sure he's right, and I'm the screwed up one ... oh yes, and OTHER women would see it HIS way .. it makes me FURIOUS!

He keeps insisting that I'm WAY over the top in the way I react to things .. but I'm confused, because I feel that I'm not. I feel that because he WON'T or DOESN'T get it ... and see things the way they are, is what makes me so furious. He stares at young girls everywhere we go ... his past has been with younger girls than himself (he was 22, she was 14) (he was 32, she was 16), ec. .. and that really makes me MAD! I know I did know some of this going into the marriage, but still .. now that I'm the WIFE, it makes me even angrier .. and hurts me. I'm jealous of the young girls he looks at ... and know I can't ever be young again .. and it seems to be what turns him on, and I feel like nothing.

He said that 'ya get them young, before they start being angry at the world' .. yikes!

So ... for what I'm up against, I'm just so confused as to what's my fault .. and what's him. I do have to admit, that I've lost it .. and gone into rages, calling him all sorts of names ... putting him down terribly .. and hate myself for doing it, but can't seem to stop, once I get started.

What part of this anger/hurt is the BPD, and what part is do much frustration (rightly so), that is coming out at him?

Thanks so much for listening. :-)
Hugs,
Dee

SusanGene · 09-21-2003, 12:14 PM

How you're reacting doesn't sound a Bit bipolar to me.
I only wish I had let my ex have it like you have but I was scared of him.
Do you have access to a couple thousand dollars? If so, if I were you I'd take off an get an apartment.
That's what I did; never regretted it once. I'd rather be alone than be with some loud mouth macho
jerk who thinks he's Elvis. Gag. Then I went to a cheap lawyer and divorced him. Remarried a yr later.
Hey; BEST of luck to you !

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Susan Gene

HannahR · 10-15-2003, 09:40 PM

DD50,
I agree with the others. These days, men feel they can be as gross as they please, and women can either like it or lump it. Well, I say good riddance. What does a woman really want? Security, and to be loved and cherished. Under that category is if you love someone, you don't want to be offensive. Why do men think any woman would want their filthy stinking bodies all over them ? Would he like you to be stinky and filthy ? I don't blame you one bit. Women don't like passive/soft men, but being manly does not mean having bad hygiene or being completely thoughtless.

Maybe you could do without him. Unless you really, truly love him, and are willing to work on/with him little by little; begin making plans to go be on your own. It's not all that bad, and is a lot more peaceful.

Best, very best wishes to you. (You sound fine to me.)

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Hannah

mistyone · 10-15-2003, 10:58 PM

Hi there- listen up babes- i had BPD for more years than i can remember ok, so speaking from many many ruined relationships because I CHOSE THE WRONG MEN TO BE WITH, i can tell you something positive for a change that only took me 25 years to figure out for myself. I found one of those 'passive' men you guys are talking about. yeah he is a real nice guy who i had have for a change in my life. He doesnt drink, smoke, do drugs,steal and doesnt stink either. this is a big change for me as some of the other men who i have known in my life were the types you refer to. i got plain sick of them period. i got sick of the self defeating behaivors that you guys are describing about your relationships with these types of men and smartened up. he may be alittle 'boring' but he is for me and is loyal decidcated, and by my side. find different types of men ladies, they are out there, and dont necessarily go for the money as you will be very disappionted. try and find a nice person instead. you need to change your definetion of who and what a man is to you. i got sick of the abuse and foul language. my guy doesnt even swear. he thinks it is unlady like or unmanly also. i agree with him, i got tired and sick of the garbage- garbarge in=garbare out thats what i think about.....good luck

[This message has been edited by mistyone (edited 10-16-2003).]