I'm schizoid...and UPSET. (emotion, yes) - Personality Disorder Message Board

frozeninside · 09-14-2005, 04:30 AM

Yesterday I met with my psychologist. After talking for a while we ran through a personality test which differentiated between schizoid, avoidant, narcissistic, etc. I answered yes to every question regarding schizoid. I left this office feeling somewhat enlightened, but by the time I got home and was really able to think, it hit me. I realized that I have felt these symptoms since I was a child, and how awkward it made me feel. When relatives died, I didn't cry or feel any loss. When I found out I had cancer, no tears. I laughed. I feel so alienated from my family, and when I get down to it, I don't even want to be close to them. I'm currently in an intensive therapy program for depression, and I find the group sessions to be incredibly unsettling. As most schizoids are, I'm terribly uncomfortable with emotions, and there's a lot of crying going on. I feel like I should be affected by the sheer amount of pain floating around, but I am so numb. I don't know how to act. When I try to be "emotional," I feel robotic and out of place. My therapist pointed out that I am very distant, frozen, unaffected. He wants to see me laugh, get angry, cry. I can't. In my mind, I can picture EXACTLY how I want to be, but it never transpires. I'm 20 years old, I've never even been close to having a relationship and I'm afraid I never will. Many times I've said that I don't want to get married, that there was just something about me that wouldn't permit it, and I don't WANT that close, constant interaction. I mean, I guess I should be happy, because this diagnosis affirms what I've suspected for a while, but there is just so much self-LOATHING, hatred, utter disgust. I can feel it in my gut. Why do I have to be sooo immature and uncomfortable and fragile and ODD? What a way to go through life! I'd like to hear some other stories if you guys have any.

Missus · 09-14-2005, 06:23 PM

hey, this is my first post -- your post made me register ^.^ how good you must feel. the reason i registered after reading this post is not because i have any story to tell but simply because i have never read a post by a schizoid which has described me so clearly as this one does. i think it's nice to finally see that there is another schizoid who feels exactly as i do. i ahev been diagnosed as having SPD, however, at times i do experience emotions. i am not totally cold which is different from most and you too by the look of it.for this reason, i think my diagnosis may be wrong -- i dont know. although the only real deep emotions i feel are self loathing and that kind of thing, basically what your post says...i've rambled enough

later - M

this is the part i related with immediately - the rest too but this most of all.

"I guess I should be happy, because this diagnosis affirms what I've suspected for a while, but there is just so much self-LOATHING, hatred, utter disgust. I can feel it in my gut. Why do I have to be sooo immature and uncomfortable and fragile and ODD? What a way to go through life!"

lonelywife · 10-19-2007, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missus

hey, this is my first post -- your post made me register ^.^ how good you must feel. the reason i registered after reading this post is not because i have any story to tell but simply because i have never read a post by a schizoid which has described me so clearly as this one does. i think it's nice to finally see that there is another schizoid who feels exactly as i do. i ahev been diagnosed as having SPD, however, at times i do experience emotions. i am not totally cold which is different from most and you too by the look of it.for this reason, i think my diagnosis may be wrong -- i dont know. although the only real deep emotions i feel are self loathing and that kind of thing, basically what your post says...i've rambled enough

later - M

this is the part i related with immediately - the rest too but this most of all.

"I guess I should be happy, because this diagnosis affirms what I've suspected for a while, but there is just so much self-LOATHING, hatred, utter disgust. I can feel it in my gut. Why do I have to be sooo immature and uncomfortable and fragile and ODD? What a way to go through life!"

I read your message and believe I am married to a schizoid. However, I am not, I feel a full range of emotions all the time. I wonder how this can work, what do you think someone could do to make you come out of your shell and feel real connection and joy and intimacy, is that impossible?