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Old 09-25-2005, 08:09 PM   #1
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Fresh new update

I thought it was time for a new thread, the other was getting a lot of pages...

I am so..happily...exhausted from this weekend. Saturday, I got up and made potato salad, jello salad, bbq chicken, corn on the cob, and homemade mac n cheese. I also made sticky buns and cinnamon rolls from scratch. Everyone is full and happy. I also washed all those dishes... we don't have a dishwasher except for the old fashioned one. ME!

I also took my sister in law out of her house and drove her down to see her brother Joe.(only a block away) Larry stayed with her kids. She doesn't leave the house except to go to the store and that's with someone else. She enjoyed her time very much. We were there only about an hour and a half, but that's some progress. We sat on the front porch, it was early evening, and drank coffee and told stories.

Joe is doing very well, his ex-wife has finally (yipeee) moved out, and leaving town next weekend. Joe stopped drinking (maybe because he's out of money) shaved and washed his hair. He ate FOOD!! He walked up to my street today to visit with Mary next door and then over here to see us. I'm so proud of him. The depression is lifting....

Ok, here's the funny part. I have dogs, three to be exact. My puppy, Kya, whom you've all heard about, is in heat.. I've never had a dog or cat in heat before, so I wasn't exactly sure what would happen. My golden retriever, Sebastian, is very,,,shall we say...FRIENDLY this week. Well, apparently they were extremely friendly with each other, because when I came out of the shower today, they were tied together....LOL!! I guess I'm gonna be a grandma afterall! Of puppies only please....

I gave Sebastian, Kya, and my other dog, a bath today. I went to the laundry mat, I made tuna casserole.

I feel good.

Tomorrow, I have to go to an interview for this telemarketing place. I'm sure they will want to hire me. The problem is... I don't want the job. I don't want to work... I want disability. BUT, if I don't go to the interview, I'll lose my unemployment check. so I'm trying to figure out how to blow this interview. The place is over 30 miles, one way. I can't afford the gas to even go to the interview, let alone drive there and back every day, five days a week. Also the job is from 4 pm - midnite. I can't drive at night anymore, so that would mean that Larry would have to drive me, wait....then take me home. How boring for him.. Also, the job only pays $8/hour. I was making almost twice that before I got fired. AND I only had to drive 18 miles, in the day time.

Well, that's about it for now..

Have a good night
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Old 09-25-2005, 08:20 PM   #2
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Re: Fresh new update

Nakita - good thinking starting the new thread!
Sounds like you had a really productive weekend on many levels! You cooked like a maniac huh?
It's great that you got your SIL out of the house for a while. Little steps....maybe she will want to do it again soon!
Oh boy, puppies.....LOL just what you need huh?
As far as the interview goes, can you tell them you prefer to work first shift and then they will probably not want to hire you? I know what you mean about not wanting the job but have to apply. I was on unemployment a long time ago and I would call jobs from a paper that was a couple weeks old, the job would be filled by then.

 
Old 09-26-2005, 07:48 AM   #3
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Nakita,

Boy! Sure sounds like you were busy in that kitchen, huh? I'll bet everyone had a full, happy tummy after that feast! Those pooches sure did catch you by surprise, didn't they?! LOL Well, if you're going to be a grandma to a bunch of puppies, that's the way to go! If you're anything like me, you'll have a hard time giving the pups up when the time comes.

I agree with Rose's suggestion if you're trying to blow the interview. If they push for the night shift, then you can tell them there's a transportation issue since you cannot drive at night, especially that distance. I'll keep my fingers crossed that this or something similar works to your advantage.

I'm really happy to hear that you had such an enjoyable weekend. You were certainly overdue for one. That's great that Joe's doing better, too. That in itself must bring huge relief to you and Larry.

I've been trying to keep my mind as occupied as possible, yet I am still depressed and heartbroken. So many emotions are running through me...anger, heartache, bewilderment, worry, disappointment, desperation, resentment, hurt. I really thought that I would receive some sort of response to my letter and there has been nothing at all. He was online last night & didn't IM or email me. After he signed off, his friend signed on...I thought maybe he would IM me (he has in the past) but he didn't either. At least not so far.

My head tells me I have done everything I possibly can to show this man that I love him and care about him with all my heart. My heart keeps screaming don't give up, don't let go. Yet I am so tired. Maybe he's incapable of love and caring, I don't know. I do know that I can no longer continue to make excuses for him or his behavior. I've been as understanding & supportive as I possibly can. I do not feel there has been any devotion to our relationship from his end...I guess the swift change in his attitude towards us has me confused. Only days earlier, he'd surprised me with my favorite gooey brownies. I don't know what to make of any of this. Other than that it is cruel and hurtful and undeserved.

Well, I'd better get some work done here today. I'll check in this afternoon and this evening to see what's new with you girls. Hope you're both having a great Monday! (Yeah, right - a great 'Monday'...I AM dillusional!)

Lori

 
Old 09-27-2005, 01:31 PM   #4
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Ladies

How are you both?

Nakita - how was the interview?

Lori - any word from you know who?

I'm keeping it short, as I'm at work, will check back later.

 
Old 09-27-2005, 03:47 PM   #5
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Re: Fresh new update

I didn't get the job with the interview. I cannot see to drive at night, and all they have available is late afternoon/night work. That's ok, though, since I don't really want to work phone customer service any longer.

I have two more interviews. One is with a major bank in my area, as an office assistant. The other is as a Family Service coordinator for a funeral home/cemetery chain. I have worked in this environment before.

I am fine, personally, tired. Remember I told you about my SIL, well her 10 y/o son was diagnosed with cancer this morning. Today has been a nightmare. It may be in his bones, lungs or brain. His liver is a mess. We haven't told him anything yet. My SIL was so shaken that the doctor gave her Xanax immediately and she is on a prescription of Xanax right now. I hope she is finally sleeping, she hasn't eaten or slept in a few days now, worrying about what is wrong with him.

Of course, I am coordinating all the appts and stuff, calling the pastor, teacher etc... I am sooo tired. I'm cooking dinner tonite for everyone too.

I'll get back to you all in a few days, since I'll be so busy at the hospital and with the family right now. I know you understand.

Take care
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Old 09-27-2005, 03:50 PM   #6
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Re: Fresh new update

Nakita - it just doesn't stop, does it? I'm so sorry to hear about your SIL's son! How does a young child like that get such a terrible cancer? Were there any signs or symptoms or was this out of the blue? What did they do to diagnose him? Your poor SIL has to be a nervous wreck. I know you have your hands full. Thanks for taking the time to write, and take all the time you need, but I hope to see you back here soon. You're in my prayers......

 
Old 09-27-2005, 05:12 PM   #7
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Re: Fresh new update

Well here's my new updated. Tim called a little while ago to tell me goodbye, that he's done, he's moving on. I take that with a grain of salt because I've heard it many times before. But this time may be different. He says he quit his job, he's packing all his stuff and he's moving. He just wants to be outta this area and doesn't know where he will go. Maybe to the coast and start a new and different life. I asked him what happened at work, he didn't want to tell me, just blamed me for ruining his life. He said he's tired of begging me to love him. Says he doesn't want to talk to me ever again, he's done. I broke his heart, etc. He ended up hanging up on me, I called back a few times, he hung up a few more times. He's making me feel guilty, and I know I shouldn't. I told him I think he's making a mistake. I sent him an IM, but I almost don't even know what the point is. If he really did quit his job, that shows a real irresponsibility, but I'm really worried about his mental state. I don't know if he's serious or just trying to light a fire under me. I don't know if he quit his job or is bluffing. I'm not sure what I should do now.
He says that was our last conversation, I will never hear from him again, or maybe he'll drop me a line sometime. I just don't know what to think. The reflex is to try to make it work, but I don't even know if it can be saved, or if that's what I even want. I'm confused and sad right now.

 
Old 09-28-2005, 09:26 AM   #8
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Girls,

Sorry I haven't been able to write in a couple of days. I've stopped myself from going online the last couple of evenings to avoid seeing my husband if he's online. It just hurts too much to see that I am being ignored.

Nakita, I am so very sorry to hear about your SIL's son. How awful and terrifying that must be for your entire family. Please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the prognosis is good. Thanks for taking the time to write and take the time now to focus on your family and their needs at such a difficult time. We will miss you, and we'll be here when you're able to get back to us. I'm sure I speak for Rose as well when I say that I hope you come back with some good news. I feel for you - it seems like your plate is always so overloaded. Somehow you always seem to manage to shoulder so much. You're a very strong woman!

Rose, no word of any sort from Frank. It hurts, and it's a total disappointment. I'd hoped my letter would make him do a bit of soul-searching. Whether or not that's the case I've got no idea. It feels more as though I've been written off swiftly & suddenly - with no warning or explanation. That feels so unfair to me after all of the efforts I've made with him.

Your recent post sounds very identical to a couple of episodes I've experienced with Frank. Last year after a session or two with our minister/counselor (before being sent to the psychologist), he called me late one night and issued me a direct ultimatum: either I promise to "change" & he'd 'wipe the slate clean' for me - or he was leaving for GA. I just couldn't bring myself to promise to change...because I still did not feel change in ME was necessary. He told me he was leaving & slammed the phone down in my ear. He never did go. He did something very similar this past February, which is what prompted me to get paperwork put together for the dissolution. He said he couldn't 'make it' here in OH, was broke & couldn't find work or a place to live and had 'no choice' but to go to FL and stay in his parents' winter home and find work there. He said that he felt it only fair & in both of our best interests to do something legal, etc. Once again, he did not go nor did anything get finalized with the paperwork. More confusion for me...just as you are experiencing now.

My guess is that you probably have not heard the last from him. I think this is a manipulation tactic that he is trying to use on you to again get a reaction from you to do things 'his way'. It is a threat to more or less get you to beg him to stay and to promise to see him and not stick to your stern request that he stick with the counseling & respect your boundaries in the meantime.

I'll try to get online later tonight if I can bring myself to do it. I may wait until after 10pm when my husband usually goes to bed. Hang in there. I know this is very upsetting & confusing for you. It's part of the disorder.

Lori

 
Old 09-30-2005, 07:01 AM   #9
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Rose,

I haven't heard from you in a couple of days & I'm worried about you. Are you doing OK? I hope you're not depressed like I am - I hope to hear that you've been keeping busy these past few days. Have you heard from Tim at all? I still have not heard anything from Frank. I've stopped myself from going online at home during the evenings this week. Next week I have to go to training in Albany, NY for a job-related seminar. I'll be gone Monday evening and return Thursday evening. Please try to drop me a note so that I know you're doing OK.

Nakita, I certainly hope that you and your family are hanging in there and hope to hear from you soon as well. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Lori

 
Old 09-30-2005, 07:54 AM   #10
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Re: Fresh new update

hey Lori
I'm ok, I'm just disgusted with myself. After he pulled all that crap Tues about how he quit his job, I ruined his life blah blah blah, I thought maybe I can have some peace now. Nope, you were right, I haven't heard the last of him, and I should have known that. Now he called yesterday to tell me that his boss called him up on wed and asked him to come back to work. He apologized for whatever he said on Tues, he claimed not to remember everything, but he knows he was mean, etc. He claims he was drunk and doesn't remember, doesn't mean it, is sorry, etc. He made an appt with his counselor for next Wed, if I can even believe that. Now he asked if he can see me Friday (today). I told him that I'm not comfortable having him over, spending the night etc. I feel trapped in my own house. Then he got all sad, you mean you don't want to sleep with me? what am I wasting my time for? I said if he wanted to go out and eat fine, but my boundries are up. I'm just disgusted with his vile behavior, his venomous tongue and everything else about him. I'm disgusted with myself for even continuing contact with this evil evil person.
By the way, the book walking on eggshells.....I read a review by someone who read it and they said it was slanted toward the borderline because one of the authors is a borderline......for example, the book says stuff about what the borderline does may FEEL like manipulation, but it's really not, it's just their way to survive. How's that for MORE manipulation? Telling us that they're not really manipulating us, it just FEELS that way to us, it just SEEMS that way. After I read that review and thought about it, it made sense. It's just more BS manipulation out of the mouth of a borderline. I'm sorry to seem like I'm in a crabby mood, I'm really not. I'm glad it's Friday. I just have terrible anxiety when I think of having to deal with Tim. I know it's just not worth it.

Nakita I hope you're ok, I've been keeping you in my thoughts! Hope to see you here soon!

 
Old 09-30-2005, 09:29 AM   #11
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Rose,

No need to apologize for venting. We need our 'moment' to sound off as well. Believe me, I understand COMPLETELY how you're feeling - angry, frustrated, worried, hurt, disappointed and disgusted. I experience those feelings simultaneously each and every day myself.

I haven't picked up the actual SWOE book - just the workbook, which I just haven't had the ambition to pick up and work on for about 2 weeks now. Manipulation is manipulation in my eyes. I don't mind bending a little to accommodate someone's issues, but I will not sacrifice my entire self to feed their issues. Like you, I'm an understanding, compassionate and patient individual. It gets tiresome to feel like no matter how much you 'give', it's never enough. And, in my case, I never seem to get anything back - other than insults and criticism. One of the things the psychologist told me long ago that had a strong impact on me was this: Frank's issue is just that - HIS issue. It's not mine to take responsibility for. That's just the simple truth. He further told me to stop 'mothering' him so much, which I was already starting to do. I'm a caretaker by nature, but by the time the psychologist told me to stop playing mommy to force Frank to take care of himself, I was already getting fed up with the lack of appreciation & gratitude for things I'd been doing and quit being so 'giving' towards him.

I'm not surprised to hear that Tim contacted you. I thought he would. My husband had another similar situation where he claimed to quit his job due to continual conflict. Of course, his boss called with his hat in his hand 'begging' him to come back, too. It's good that you are holding to your boundaries - I'm proud of you for that because I know it's not easy at all. Maybe you could offer to go with him to see his counselor? Just a thought because at least that way, you'd know for certain whether or not he's really seeing a counselor for one thing. My husband made a lot of promises to get counseling and never came through on them. If he were to call me today right this very minute saying he was going, I would actually have to see it to believe it.

You hear the same accusations I continually hear...that I ruined his life, etc. Isn't it funny though how they seem to want to stay in touch with us in spite of that accusation? I'm sure you'll agree that if you or I really felt someone was 'ruining' our life, we'd want little or nothing to do with that person. It's like a big game that goes in a circle.

Try not to be disgusted with yourself. Not many people understand completely what we're dealing with. You and I are just now learning ourselves. Just hang in there and stick to your boundaries as best you can. I will try to check in with you during the weekend at some point. I just don't want to go online when Frank's likely to be on because it hurts to see that I'm being ignored, written off or whatever this 'silence' period is.

Lori

 
Old 09-30-2005, 12:15 PM   #12
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Rose,

No need to apologize for venting. We need our 'moment' to sound off as well. Believe me, I understand COMPLETELY how you're feeling - angry, frustrated, worried, hurt, disappointed and disgusted. I experience those feelings simultaneously each and every day myself.

I haven't picked up the actual SWOE book - just the workbook, which I just haven't had the ambition to pick up and work on for about 2 weeks now. Manipulation is manipulation in my eyes. I don't mind bending a little to accommodate someone's issues, but I will not sacrifice my entire self to feed their issues. Like you, I'm an understanding, compassionate and patient individual. It gets tiresome to feel like no matter how much you 'give', it's never enough. And, in my case, I never seem to get anything back - other than insults and criticism. One of the things the psychologist told me long ago that had a strong impact on me was this: Frank's issue is just that - HIS issue. It's not mine to take responsibility for. That's just the simple truth. He further told me to stop 'mothering' him so much, which I was already starting to do. I'm a caretaker by nature, but by the time the psychologist told me to stop playing mommy to force Frank to take care of himself, I was already getting fed up with the lack of appreciation & gratitude for things I'd been doing and quit being so 'giving' towards him.

I'm not surprised to hear that Tim contacted you. I thought he would. My husband had another similar situation where he claimed to quit his job due to continual conflict. Of course, his boss called with his hat in his hand 'begging' him to come back, too. It's good that you are holding to your boundaries - I'm proud of you for that because I know it's not easy at all. Maybe you could offer to go with him to see his counselor? Just a thought because at least that way, you'd know for certain whether or not he's really seeing a counselor for one thing. My husband made a lot of promises to get counseling and never came through on them. If he were to call me today right this very minute saying he was going, I would actually have to see it to believe it.

You hear the same accusations I continually hear...that I ruined his life, etc. Isn't it funny though how they seem to want to stay in touch with us in spite of that accusation? I'm sure you'll agree that if you or I really felt someone was 'ruining' our life, we'd want little or nothing to do with that person. It's like a big game that goes in a circle.

Try not to be disgusted with yourself. Not many people understand completely what we're dealing with. You and I are just now learning ourselves. Just hang in there and stick to your boundaries as best you can. I will try to check in with you during the weekend at some point. I just don't want to go online when Frank's likely to be on because it hurts to see that I'm being ignored, written off or whatever this 'silence' period is.

Lori

 
Old 09-30-2005, 01:38 PM   #13
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Lori,
I haven't read any more of the book lately either. I guess I just needed a break from it. I have some other books I want to read about ME, but I'm spending time reading about him and his problem.....oh well. I will pick it back up, it does help to give me strength. As far as going to the counselling with him, I don't know. Part of me says, why should I spend my time. Why should I invest my energy and time? The only reason he would be bringing me would be to turn things around on me. Make me seem like I have a problem. Try to get the counsellor to find something wrong with me. He asked me if I would go with him, not this time, but maybe next time and I said I don't know, maybe. It would be just to deflect the blame off of him and his issues and try to point the finger at me. I didn't realize that you were just married a year and you've lived apart from him for that long. He started up right after you were married? Forgive me if you told me before, but we've written so much here, I'm bound to forget something
I'll talk to you soon, and hang in there!

 
Old 09-30-2005, 01:57 PM   #14
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Re: Fresh new update

Hi Rose,

Yeah, we married in late Oct. 2003. Things got pretty bad about a week or so after we returned from our one-week honeymoon, which was pretty much paid for by me (plane tickets, rental car). His parents had given us $1,000 in travelers checks for hotel/entertainment/meals. I think I knew then that something wasn't quite right, but I believed his 'reasons'.

You don't have to explain your burn-out to me at all. I feel the same. I've spent so much time trying to understand HIM only to have it come to this point. So I've been reading things to help ME a little. Hey - before I forget, you may want to look into a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It's excellent (in my opinion) and has great communication tips for someone like us. It also explains what they call 'crazy making' - something I identified with immediately. It's an easy read as well. So many of my friends are borrowing it for themselves or someone else they know.

I understand your reluctance to attend the counseling session. He probably WILL try to divert it all over towards you. Our psychologist couldn't keep up with my husband's continual ever-growing list of issues with me. In the 3 sessions he attended, he'd always have a new list of complaints at each session. Even I didn't know what to make of it. We'd never get past the complaints or how to work on each one...a new list would be presented at the next session and the prior ones never mentioned again.

As much as we love these men, we cannot allow them to be emotional bullies towards us. That much I do know. When I think of all I've put up with, I sometimes feel ashamed because I know my late father (who was very strong and 'old school') would be very disappointed in me for allowing myself to be treated this way.

You hang in there and try to have a good weekend. How is Junior doing these days? I'm going to miss my chubby Stu while I'm in NY for 3 days. I'll also miss not having online access, too. Sure hope we hear from Nakita soon. That woman must have the strength of a steel tower! I don't know how she does it some days, but thank God she DOES it. I'll try to check in through the weekend to see how you're doing.

Lori

 
Old 09-30-2005, 02:34 PM   #15
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Re: Fresh new update


hey thanks Lori,
I did read that book, the verbally abusive relationship. I too thought it was excellent. I also read a book called controlling people, how to recognize them (or something like that). I also read a book called, women who love too much. I've been on a reading rampage these last few months. I thought you said on the other thread (to the new guy) that your honeymoon was nov 2004 and you were living apart a year. Thats why I thought he started up right away. On this one you said 2003....I think that's why I was confused. Oh well, time just marches on and runs together some times. As far as your husband presenting a list to the counselor, I can see that happening with Tim.

 
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