what is wrong with me?
Everyone, I didn't know which forum to post in, so I'm posting here. I need help, I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I am attending college (a junior), I'm 25 (I took a few years off to get married and get my life together). My major is General Studies. It is so generic, I know. I was in the Early Childhood Education program and it got really rough and I had no support about 3 years ago and I quit. I had an abortion when I was 19 and that still bothers me and I feel like the only thing that will make it better is having a baby and being a good mom to redeem myself. That's only one of a million problems I am having. I have anger issues, little things set me off. I am impatient and emotional all the time. It used to be just the time around my period but now it's like all the time. I can't seem to accomplish anything worthwhile. I know I am smart, but I got a D in my dance exercise class because I didn't show up for the last class because I was afraid of going up in front of the class and doing a "dance" I made up. Also, I bailed out on a psychology presentation and I don't know what my fate is in that class. I have serious shyness issues. Well, I'm not really shy, I think I'm afraid to succeed. No one can help me. No one I know. Maybe a professional, but I quit my job abruptly and I don't have insurance anymore. Now I have decided to exercise and eat right to get in shape and I totally screwed up yesterday. I ate a double cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's and two pieces of pizza. I exercised, but still that's horrible. I just feel like a complete failure at everything I've ever done in my life. I really am a failure. I have thought about killing myself but I wouldn't want to put my family through that although they probably would be better off without me. I don't do anything to help. I'm just lazy. I'm trying to find success somewhere and it eludes me. I don't want to be a nobody, but my life's shaping out to be that way. There's just so many complex problems about me, and I wish there was just one simple answer. I just need someone from the outside to explain it to me. I'm too far in to understand and see the big picture, when you're on the bottom of the ocean you can't see the vastness of the whole thing. I procrastinate, and I am unmotivated. I run away when things get tough at all. There are so many bad things about me and I truly honestly feel that the bad outweigh the good and I've tried everything to fix myself. My husband can't help me because he just gets mad, and then when I tell him that he gets mad because he denies that he gets mad. But he won't really listen to me without getting upset in some way. He's sweet, but he just doesn't understand me. No one does. My mom can't help, she's got too many problems of her own. My dad can't, he has problems and he just thinks I'm being stupid. Everyone discredits me. No one sees me for who I truly am. I am a good person, but no one can see it. Even I can't see it. I've tried turning to God, but I pray and then nothing happens, and I lose faith. I'm not a good Christian. I have no friends, I guess because I'm not a good friend. I'm not sure anymore. I'm confused about everything. I want to be a somebody, but I'm not sure how to become one. I don't want to do anything wrong, but it seems that to do anything wonderful and "good" you have to cheat people and do things "wrong". I don't know, like I said, I am confused. I would never hurt anyone else, just myself. I used to turn to drugs and alcohol, but I've moved past that and I'm trying to live my life without that junk. I just don't know where to go with my life. that's all.