what is wrong with me? - Personality Disorder Message Board

jspence · 12-10-2005, 10:43 AM

Everyone, I didn't know which forum to post in, so I'm posting here. I need help, I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I am attending college (a junior), I'm 25 (I took a few years off to get married and get my life together). My major is General Studies. It is so generic, I know. I was in the Early Childhood Education program and it got really rough and I had no support about 3 years ago and I quit. I had an abortion when I was 19 and that still bothers me and I feel like the only thing that will make it better is having a baby and being a good mom to redeem myself. That's only one of a million problems I am having. I have anger issues, little things set me off. I am impatient and emotional all the time. It used to be just the time around my period but now it's like all the time. I can't seem to accomplish anything worthwhile. I know I am smart, but I got a D in my dance exercise class because I didn't show up for the last class because I was afraid of going up in front of the class and doing a "dance" I made up. Also, I bailed out on a psychology presentation and I don't know what my fate is in that class. I have serious shyness issues. Well, I'm not really shy, I think I'm afraid to succeed. No one can help me. No one I know. Maybe a professional, but I quit my job abruptly and I don't have insurance anymore. Now I have decided to exercise and eat right to get in shape and I totally screwed up yesterday. I ate a double cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's and two pieces of pizza. I exercised, but still that's horrible. I just feel like a complete failure at everything I've ever done in my life. I really am a failure. I have thought about killing myself but I wouldn't want to put my family through that although they probably would be better off without me. I don't do anything to help. I'm just lazy. I'm trying to find success somewhere and it eludes me. I don't want to be a nobody, but my life's shaping out to be that way. There's just so many complex problems about me, and I wish there was just one simple answer. I just need someone from the outside to explain it to me. I'm too far in to understand and see the big picture, when you're on the bottom of the ocean you can't see the vastness of the whole thing. I procrastinate, and I am unmotivated. I run away when things get tough at all. There are so many bad things about me and I truly honestly feel that the bad outweigh the good and I've tried everything to fix myself. My husband can't help me because he just gets mad, and then when I tell him that he gets mad because he denies that he gets mad. But he won't really listen to me without getting upset in some way. He's sweet, but he just doesn't understand me. No one does. My mom can't help, she's got too many problems of her own. My dad can't, he has problems and he just thinks I'm being stupid. Everyone discredits me. No one sees me for who I truly am. I am a good person, but no one can see it. Even I can't see it. I've tried turning to God, but I pray and then nothing happens, and I lose faith. I'm not a good Christian. I have no friends, I guess because I'm not a good friend. I'm not sure anymore. I'm confused about everything. I want to be a somebody, but I'm not sure how to become one. I don't want to do anything wrong, but it seems that to do anything wonderful and "good" you have to cheat people and do things "wrong". I don't know, like I said, I am confused. I would never hurt anyone else, just myself. I used to turn to drugs and alcohol, but I've moved past that and I'm trying to live my life without that junk. I just don't know where to go with my life. that's all.

babydoll20 · 12-28-2005, 05:42 PM

You sound like a perfectionist to me. So much so that it interferes with your everyday life. It sounds like your saying you fear being evaluated by others, which could fit social phobia criteria. It sounds to me like your problems go very deep and you should get some professional help to work out your worries. You may even have general anxiety disorder, which is where someone worries constantly about everyday things. I hope everything works out for you and you feel better soon! You most deffinetly have depression. I promice things don't look as grim as you think!

emmsypoo · 01-04-2006, 04:58 PM

I feel the same as you do i am always quitting my job and making problems for myself im always feeling really rubbish too i just hate the way i have became and i wish i had a good job and home etc but instead im in debt and working part time (8 hours a week) and living on the dole.

jackiespenser · 01-15-2006, 06:52 PM

You have given yourself so many labels, I can't keep up. You say you are a failure at everything.

Well, I don't agree. I think you need to work on your self-esteem and go from there. There are sliding scale therapist, but you are going to have to find them. I just wonder if your life is a reflection of all these negative beliefs you have about yourself. How can you accomplish anything when you believe you are so unworthy and inferior?

The anxiety you have about the presentions is something I have struggled with my entire life too. It is beatable but it's going to take some work.

Please don't give up on yourself. You clearly are very intelligent and thoughtful. Once you can find the support you need and learn to reframe the way you look at yourself and your life, I absolutely believe you will be able to do anything you want.

Warm wishes and good luck!

mrmike · 01-15-2006, 08:59 PM

you do not seem to be a falure at everything, you have good communication skills judging from the size of your entry. i was once in your shoes until i read a book called Life 101. it taught me how to have an open mind, and learn from my expirienses, not mistakes. (the book refered to mistakes not as mistakes but as steps to a positive outcome) thomas edison did not invent the light bulb in one night, it was a process that took about 100 steps. and nothing is worse losing you life for. i like a quote i got from the movie Scareface it goes "every day above ground is a good day" i tell myself that every time i get in a muck. two rules the book also showed me are rule #1 don't sweat the small stuff. Rule #2 it's all small stuff. good luck, i hope i have at least helped a little. get the book, or any self help book, they helped me, and they can help you too!