Recently I rented Girl, Interrupted, and the main character had borderline personality disorder (BPD). A couple of months ago, I was at an all-time low. I thought i was clinically depressed. I had all of the symptoms. These symptoms continued until about a month ago, and now it's horrible again. Anyways, back to the movie. All of these symptoms sounded like me, so I started thinking i may have BPD. If anyone could help me on this or give me their input, that'd be great. Here are my symptoms.
-I absolutely hate myself. I think I'm the ugliest girl in the world and it holds be back from going out with friends sometimes.
-I get upset really easily. When someone says the wrong thing to me (that's about me), I get really p***ed off. The number one person who affects me in this area is my boyfriend.
-I've lost interest in a lot of hobbies.
-I'm tired all the time-and I get plenty of sleep.
-I take my relationship with my boyfriend too seriously. I think that if we break up, I will never find another guy in my life and I'll die without him.
-I feel like no one cares about me and that I have no friends. This is probaly because I don't like going out with them because I feel too ugly to be seen.
-I have suicidal thoughts quite frequently. I feel like if I died, everyone would realize how they should have cared more or something. I've never attempted to kill myself, but I've thought of several ways I could do it.
I hope some of this can help. I've heard that BPD is one of the hardest illnesses to diagnose in the mental health world. I could TOTALLY be wrong on that though. It's just so easily hidden with other illnesses, or can go along with them. Like Bi-Polar and OCD. I do know that there several criteria, and you need to have somewhere around at least 5 to be BPD.
A shaky sense of identity
Oversensitivity to real or imagianed rejection
Brief, turbulent love affairs
Periods of intense depression
Self-destructive tendencies like eating disorders, compulsive gambling, self-injury, so on.
Irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone.
There might be more but I can't think of them now. I would advise you though to be careful on self diagnosis. Especially when your first source was a hollywood film. Not that I'm down playing what your feeling, I just want you to be careful. You do sound as if you have some form of depression. Have you talked to anyone about it? Are you currently on any meds? If you do go see a councelor or anything like that don't be embarressed to bring any of this up. I'm by no means a doctor so I can't tell you if you are or not. But I do think, regardless of it being BPD or anything else you might want to talk to somebody about how you've been feeling. If it's affecting your daily life and your relationships then definently talk to someone. That's something I always put off until things hit a really big snag and I was forced to.
There's a book that might help too if you do find out if your BPD, my therapist recommended it to me. It's called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." I'm sure there's more literature out there but that's the only one I've read, so it's the only one I can really reccomend. You're in my thoughts, and it may not be much but if you ever need to talk, I'll be around.
Dr. Marsha Linehan is the leading expert in borderline personality disorder. She has a therapy called Dialectical behavior therapy. She also has written text books on this subject. I would do an online search or a catalog search at your local libraries and see if there are books on that. If you see a psychiatrist about this make sure he is board certified and ask how often he deals successfully with people that have BPD. Get second and third opinions too.
Thanks for your advice. I forget to mention that I researched BPD on my laptop while I watched. I also took a personality test and the results showed me that my BPD chances were very high. (You could get low, moderate, high, or very high as a result.)
What worries me the most is confronting my parents about it--and also being rejected at my school. It's really weird for me..I have hopes of becoming a psychologist/psychiatrist, but lately I've been feeling that I won't ever acheive that because I'm the one who has problems or who needs help. I have 2 really supportive friends and my boyfriend who wouldn't reject me if I was diagnosed with it, but I just fear that I'll be made fun of and be judged as a mental case. And once you get to know me, I'm very nice and fun to be around..it's just people are so judgemental these days.
I can understand all those worries. I don't know how many people would agree with me on this but generally I think people wont judge because you can learn ways to "control" your bpd. It takes time, and a lot of effort, and there can be a henious roller coaster ride but it can happen. I have to work everyday but it's worth it. Short term and long term goals are big part of it. As far as your profession I don't know. Maybe you wont go into one on one counceling with people but that doesn't mean you can help further research and devolpments in the psyciatric field. Don't think you have any less options than ANYONE else! Because that's not true. Any form of disability gives limitations, but people often find ways to work around them. I have acually met many councelors who were addicts or have stuggled with depression and other things. It gives them compassion and understanding if anything. That's a HUGE part of thereapy in my opinion. So don't think that if for the moment you must concentrait on getting yourself healthy, that in the future you wont be able to help others.
As far as being rejected by others I can't tell you not to worry about it. Not because I think you will be, but because that is also something I struggle with. I'm glad to hear you have strong relationships with people who will support you. That's very important. Take care of yourself, and I wish you the best! I hope this doesn't offend you for me to say, but you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Have you ever considered PMDD? Do you notice that those symptoms are worse and more intense during that part of the month. That's what I have and once a month, I go looking to find what personality/mental disorder I have. Then after it passes, I'm okay. Until the next month when I go looking again!
btw, the men in our lives are usually the main target. always.
I have that movie Girl Interrupted- bought it a long time ago before I was diagnosed with BPD. I was diagnosed 2 years ago at the age of 17 just like Wynonna's character. I was admitted to a top notch institution in my state and was released after 6 months of treatment. There I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Didn't know what it was- did some research and YES it sounded like me perfectly.
Black and white thinking
Self destructive tendancies
Moodiness lasting minutes- different than BiPolar lasting months
Feelings of emptiness
I know exactly what quiz you took, I took the same one got very high on Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorders (haven't been diagnosed as NPD yet)
As the other poster said you do need 5 to recieve a diagnosis of BPD (I had 8).
I would suggest seeing a professional. And by the way you mentioned you wanted to be a psychologist/psychiatrist. I do too- clinical that is. You and I would be perfect, wanna know why? We have the experience that many psychs do not, they have text book knowledge we have personal knowledge. I want to specialize in treating personality Disorders But I don't know about you.
PM me if you ever need to talk, My name's Nayana- Good luck in what ever you decide.
Last edited by BorderChild; 07-17-2006 at 02:00 PM.
I am married to a BPD and you may be encouraged by my experience. Not only did I find out "after" we were married that she had been diagnosed and decided to stay anyways....(I think I can save the world, but that is a different conversation), but when she decided to try treatment she found out HER DOCTOR IS A BPD AS WELL!
After she cheated on me and lied and tore everything we made together apart......she found an answer in treatment. It seemed stupid and insignificant to the both of us at first, but little by little (VERY LITTLE AT TIMES), it started to change things. I guess that is the key, moving slowly gives the impression that we aren't actually confronting things and that it isn't actually painful at all. Well it's been a year and we are happier than ever. Recovery can happen and it is NOT the end of your world. My wife finds that it works as much as she is willing to work for it. We are living proof that there is a certain amount of serenity with any person or couple that seeks recovery over suffering.