I don't really know where to start... It's like I'm two people. There's this part of me that is light and love's people and is social and loves music and art and has this bright future and goals. Then there's the part that scares me. For the first time I am looking at the two parts as two very distinctly different sides of one person instead of just me being emotionally multifaceted. I just thought I was maybe bipolar or just had severe mood swings. But this side of me... I just read this novel and it turned out in the end one of the characters was a sociopathic killer type. Now, I am by no means a murderer. But when something makes me mad... I can feel this rage i have in me just boil in my blood and when my heart begins to pound in my chest and I get... not angry... so far beyond that. Simply livid. And that's when I know it's not out of reach for me to kill someone. When I lay in bed at night and think... if I think about something I did to embarass myself or when I screwed up... there's this flash in my head to me either painting my walls red or cutting myself or shooting myself in the head. That side of me is so cunning, I can turn cleverness, humor and charm on with a switch. I lie many times every day. I can lie to anyone... and pretty much have. And I've perfected it so its like I change my persona. Once in class we did this pupil test to tell when people were lying and nobody could tell with me and I just thought it was funny. It's actually more convincing of a story when I lie. people don't believe me and accuse me of lying when I'm telling the truth more often than not. But more, I always make these big plans for things... I've always known that about myself... I had no idea it was a symptom of a sociopath. I draw out plans, do the math and finances, plan for everything. It's always out of reach. I have notebooks full of them complete with sketches and tips and everything. Also, I have this nomadic thing where I need to move every few months. Its like my life depends on it. If I can't move I have to change all the furniture in the house around to make it feel like I did. Otherwise I can't sleep or think or function. And I often get this intense craving for power that just runs rampant. I manipulate everyone. I always say I just have a few good friends instead of a lot of semi-close friends. It's so not true.. I can hardly keep the ones I have. I find myself hating them and yet loving them when I got back and forth and they can never put up with me always being so up and down all the time. who can blame them though, right? I also have to fight these feelings of I deserve this I deserve that because of what I've worked for or been through. Now, I truly did have a hideous childhood. There are actually huge chunks of it I have absolutely no memory of, which scares me a lot, but for the most part, my dad forced me to play sports. sounds not so bad right? I was forced to swim 363 days a year for two hours a day for nine years. From age four until 13. The only reason I had to do this was because my siblings did. I am the youngest, was always just kind of overlooked ya know? He was the kind of person that was completely indifferent to everything. I was attacked once when i was 14 and my face was swollen and i had cuts all over my body and when he saw me he just started yelling at me about not cleaning the kitchen, etc. he never said anything. my whole life i've craved someone that felt real and would protect me so i wouldn't have to do it myself since such an early age. all the while my mother was completely in denail as she is to this day. my siblings share the feeling of always having to have money, power, and rank to be worth ****. One is a drug addict and one is obsessed with sports and has always been the one trying to please him. Since i was eight people have always said i have this strange maturity (im not flattering myself, this isn't the kind you want.) and sayint it was like i was old almost. It's because i was shoved out of a childhood and into this dark place where it was coping mechanisms and survival. My dad beat us emotionally and physically evey day. Everything was mind games and these rules no one else knew but us. If you left a dish in the TV room you had 30 days solitary confinement as he called it. you were alone in your room for a month. I know this has a lot to do with who I am now, but I think it's also just genetics. his side has a lot of problems. But anyway, another symptom I'd started noticing a few years ago was absolutely no conscience. at all. none. Nothing I do makes me the least bit remorseful. I cheat on a test, nothing. I accidentally insult someone and make them feel like ****, nothing. all i think about is if they'll try to get back at me and then I get paranoid about what they could do and what power I'd given them. Also, (and this is a little too personal but, oh well, I'm being honest) Im pretty sure I'm addicted to sex. I hear that being messed with in that area when you're a kid can do that so I'm really starting to wonder if something like that happened. Also I'm extremely irresponsible. I have been fired from 2 jobs already. Its like it truly does kill me to care. I just can't make myself care. Its like i know I need to get one but I know I'll just slack off after a while and then get fired or quit. I have a huge amount of sick days. I always have... especially with school. Its like I can't be reliable and no one can count on me yet it upsets me so much when someone is angry with me. Its like I even have to have complete strangers approval to be okay. Now, I am writing this as the "good" side of myself. I heard that sociopaths never know that they're a sociopath or something... Now, since I'm writing this, I'm suspecting it, but I truly didn't even wonder it until today and want to cautiously get some opinions regarding it. Please don't be cruel just because its obvious I'm kind of a ****** person. If anyone knows that its me. But please do be really honest. I need to hear if you think I need help or an evaluation. Im so afraid this has been too programmed in to correct. Thanks for reading.
The following user gives a hug of support to Valencia88: angelsofhope (02-19-2011)
I don't think it is good to label yourself yet. You need some counselling and very soon. To me you are a mixture of rage and deadened emotions, self-hatred and sorrow and fear. That is not really sociopathic. Sociopaths NEVER have the level of emotion that is fermenting just below your surface. You have had a horrific time, with nobody to help you. Please find somebody, a therapist or counsellor. You are right about programming, and it is almost possible for someone with the level of damage you have had inflicted on you to go it alone. Please look after yourself and get help.
Hey Louise Hay has great cds on how to love yourself. Please try those. You just have been without LOVE for so long, you really need it.
He sounds like a borderline personality disorder - they are the ones who get enraged and have rageful desires similar to how he described.
Also the best therapies are cognitive, behavioral, and Object relations. Good luck. Remember be cautious with your therapists because they can con you out of a lot of money just like any sales person.
Your symptoms don't exactly fit with a sociopath. The fact that you are writing on this thread is good indication that your recognize potential harm. A lot of what you wrote seems to fit in with borderline personality, which is very common among people who had your kind of experiences during childhood. If you have Borderline personality disorder (BPD), research shows that dialectical behavioral therapy if very effective! But first, you would need to get an evaluation and get established with a therapist. Your pain is too deep to go through it alone. Even the mildest symptoms benefit from therapy. Do not be ashamed, be proud of yourself for being honest with yourself. It will take time to diminish your symptoms, but it can improve if you get into the right therapy. Much of your behavior patterns are a result of your upbrining. Be careful not to excuse your behavior by blaming your past. You have control of the present and future. You can change how you respond to external stimuli by figuring out why you have the response that you do, recognize the fear that you have that makes you think and behave the way that you do, and identify a better way to respond. When you try to respond a better way, it will be uncomfortable, but necessary to practice over and over again until you do it the better way automatically - like taking on a foreign language, you have to practice and use it for it to be automatic. If it's uncomfortable doing it the better way, that means you are changing and growing, so it's good in a way. You will have much more success if you have a therapist and commit to it. Good luck, you can do it.