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Old 06-19-2007, 04:08 PM   #1
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Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

Hi I don't know if anyone can answer these questions for me but...

I know that 'splitting' is something that BPD, Narcisstic and Bipolar people expereince. From what I understand you go from totally 'idealising' your partner, to totally 'devaluing' your partner, either they are all good or all bad.

What I would like to know is, when you 'split' into devaluing your partner, and say you leave the house for a few days, when does and how does the 'idealising' of that person come back??

Also, how come you are more prone to split with someone you are close to, as opposed to work colleagues etc?

Really curious to know. Thanks

 
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Old 06-19-2007, 06:54 PM   #2
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Re: Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

i happeneds when i start to calm down and think about the person again. every bpd is different

Last edited by Stallangrad; 06-19-2007 at 06:59 PM.

 
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Old 06-19-2007, 11:00 PM   #3
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Re: Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

sometimes it never comes back because no one is all good, so when reality sets in the person never sees you the same and they just start putting you down, pointing out all your bad qualities, verbally abusing, etc. That was my experience with my ex-husband. He idealized me, had me way up on a pedestal. It was so bad when he realized that i had faults, that i ended up leaving. we were only married 11 months. the last 6 months were hell.

In my own experience with my bpd, I don't do this anymore. The last time i did, i saw my stepdaughter as all bad. I couldn't stand her. All i could see were her faults. I was ate up. I blew a gasket, flipped out, kicked her out of the house. The next day, I was remorseful. It has taken a long time to forgive myself and ruined our relationship. (I don't really think that this was splitting. Because i never idealized her. It was raging. I raged one other time since then at my neighbor, again just flipped out, cussed, threw things because he built a driveway 4 feet from my house. But it was legal. I was so ate up.)

I had to catch myself with my daughter because i was idealizing her. Always talking about how great she is. But since i know so much about bpd, i could see that my judgement of her wasn't realistic. She is human and has faults like everyone else.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 04:24 AM   #4
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Re: Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

Hi thanks for the replies. I don't experience this myself, so it's kinda hard to get my head round it.

Marie you said that the idealisation doesn't always come bcak, as it's not realistic to think that someone is ALL Good? but I don't quite understand that, cause if you were to stay in the devaluation stage, it is also not realistic to think that someone is all bad? Sorry I am just trying to understand.

 
Old 06-20-2007, 08:28 AM   #5
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Re: Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

Well, in my experience, I was idealized by my exhusband. That means he thought i was perfect. I was devaluized when he saw my faults. That was all he could see from then on. So the way he saw me was all bad. It is very black and white. You are either good or bad. He also didn't believe that opinions were valid, only facts or his own opinion. Again black and white, no gray area. He was unable to form a judgement of me that I had good qualities and negative qualities, that i was human and that was human nature. Have you read "I hate you, don't leave me" by Jerald Kreisman?

 
Old 06-20-2007, 09:20 AM   #6
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Re: Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

Hi I hear what your saying, but in my experience it went from 'idealisation' to devaluation on and off over a a period of time. But your saying that your ex once he split to devaluing you he stayed in that mode.

No I haven't yet read that book, thanks for your input

 
Old 06-20-2007, 02:40 PM   #7
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Re: Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

My boyfriend does this to me all the time... He will love me and treat me like I'm the greatest girlfriend in the world...but say I want to go to the store or something... he will then flip out (thinking I'm going to cheat on him or something) it does not last too long ususally maybe an hour at the most... Then he calms down... Once my little dog snipped at his face.... he was chasing my 5 lb. min pin around and was seriously going to kill it because he was raging at this point... I was trying to save my dog (that was my main concern) but then my boyfriend turned on me......all of the sudden it was all my fault I was the bad one... he forgot about the dog and all the anger was projected at me.... i left the house because he scares me... Then he will call my phone and yell and tell me things that are not even true about myself.... he will say every bad thing I've ever done to make me feel bad........................ We live in a condo so I just go out to my truck and sit in it for awhile till he calms down.... then i can go back up... and he'll usually does this smile laugh thing (smirk)... (like he really knew he was being dumb) but at the same time he can't control it..... he will be really apoligetic afterwords.... but sometimes that just don't make the hurt I feel go away.... it's very hard..... but does not last forever in my case....

Last edited by chaoticmess; 06-20-2007 at 02:43 PM.

 
Old 06-21-2007, 10:53 AM   #8
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Re: Question for anyone who can relate to 'splitting'

He is abusing you verbally and emotionally. Until you accept that this relationship will never get better no matter what you do and let go completely, you will not leave. You have to decide that you have hit bottom. You deserve to be loved; Love is a verb.

Here is an example of splitting:

My opinion of Angelina Jolie was she is very ate up person, weird, why is she adopting all these kids?, she is borderline, she's bisexual, she had vial of billy bobs blood on a necklace around her neck, she has weird tatoos all over her, she stole brad from jennifer, blah blah blah. All i saw were my opinion of her negative qualities.

Then i saw a utube video on her work with refugees and i watched her on cnn in an interview about world refugee day on 6 20 07. I put the video of her on my *******. i emailed my sister about how great Angelina is. She has donated over a million dollars, she goes into refugee camps and is able to stomach it, and says that it takes nothing from her and is a pleasure to do, she even adopts some of the kids. Now I am seeing all her good qualities.

It is not just a change of opinion. It is black and white. all good or all bad. After i sent the email, i realized that i was idealizing her.

My judgement of her or anyone should include the past and the present.

Ofcourse this may seem like a silly example, but it is something i have to constantly be aware of.

Last edited by rosebuddy; 06-21-2007 at 06:04 PM.

 
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