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Old 07-04-2007, 04:32 AM   #1
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chinadoll141 HB User
:confused: confidence an paranoia issues....MY LIFE BEIN TOTALLY AFFECTED :(

ok im a first time poster so i dunno d drill..i just i feel COMPLETELY lost an alone an i don think i can deal with my issues for very much longer..i may actually need professional help.
im 26 an for as long as i can remember i had confidence issues.its all startin to take its toll as i bcame older an recognising somethin wrong wid me.but it came to blows when i was goin with dis fella called PAUL.i had only one relationship b4 him an it lasted 2 years.it ended coz we weren compatible since he was four years my senior.first realtionship..first "love" watever u wanna call it should effect u wen it doesn work out rite???no..wen we broke up ya i was sad but moved on easily..didn meet paul untill nearly a year l8r..we got on really well an evntho i lived three hrs away he would drive down every wknd to see me..i was loved up..i always start panickin wen meetin new people so wen on his 21st i met his friends an got on well wid dem i was delighted..(wid drink in my system i get well wid everybody..)we were supposed 2head bak2sum house party but paul decided to stop over at his house first..GRAND..pauls friend DANNO an his girlfriend EDEL came wid us..got the baileys out yum yum..we got merry an was havn d crak...lads bein lads dey suggested to watch porn..(ya know where im goin wid dis) so paul wen an got a video an started to watch it..DANNO an EDEL were at one corner of the room an i was sittin in front of PAUL while he sat on the suite..DANNO an EDEL started gropin an feelin each other IN FRONT OF US an ya i admit was turned on by it..I WAS MERRY please don judge me..anyways i was tryin to kiss PAUL too but he wasn as receptve..ya i was ****** off ..wat girl wudn wen her boyfriend doesn kiss her back..i got up an offered to get EDEL water as she ws thirsty..as i was about to leave the kitchen PAUL was at the doorway n dis was wat he said an i stil remeber it2dis day.."DANNO thinks ur really nice..he thinks ur hot...he wants2be wid u..do u wan to try it out???I was FUMIN inside but outta revenge an 2get him back i agreed..wen bak2d sittin room an 2tease d lads myself an EDEL started flirtin wid each other an d lads were lovin it..i was lovin d attention...so did EDEL..we took it a step further a kissed...DANNO said" girls were feelin left out"..basically dey were suggestin of swappin partners..myself an EDEL wen2d bathroom a discussed it wid each oder an thot ya why not...b4 long i was kissin wid DANNO an EDEL was wid PAUL n d sitting room wid d parents rite upstairs..it got too far an both couples ended up havn sex wid the other partner..YES YES discustin i know..ya hav no idea how dirty i felt after..PAUL stopped us an just lft the room..aparently he cudn get a hard on..DER ..DAT WAS MY REVENGE..i was delighted dat after he had suggested swappin wid a couple an after it he cudn get it up..we fought an i was so upset realisin my reaction was totally un-healthy..myself an PAUL never were d same after that..my argument is dat how can he love me so much like d way he said an still pass me on to his friend so that he can be wid his friends girlfriend..am i just stupid in thinkin wen somethin says he loves u wid all their heart den he wudn let anyone or even SUGGEST the idea of swappin????? i never beileved anythin he said after an out relationship deteriated..i even brought him2d philippines frm where i am originlaly frm for FOUR weeks 2meet my family..every attention he gave to girls even if dey were my cousins an dey were only FOURTEEN jealousy wud overpower me..we arrived bak n ireland an i ws gunna brake it off wid him...im not d one to break it off wid sum1 over d fone but he rang me frm dublin an i just got completely upset about him an how i wasn dealin wid d whole swappin thin really well..he sounded upset over d fone..three hrs l8r he was knockin on my door...he had drivin n d middle of the nite an he brought wid him a ring..."I LOVE U PLEASE DON LEAVE ME" SO YA I TOOK HIM BAK but didn last long...he wen to live in boston an at the beginning were in constant contact an even now he still contact frm time to time..IM SORRY BUT MY STORY ISN FINISHED YET..

found it hard 2get over paul an on nites out ya i wud cry an missin him so much i wud ring him..a year wen on an i met CORK BOY..he was everythin PAUL wasn..he didn smoke , drink an we such d greatest crak..his such a messer dat bein around him ws so easy..we were2gether every wkn we were both out but i always refused 2go bak 2his apartment straight away..we met in september an twas only october dat i finally decided 2go stay d nite..WID NO SEX involved..we got close emotionaly an he opened up to me dat he basically only had one relationship b4 which lasted six years an dem six years he never had sex wid d girlfriend..wen dey broke up he wen to honduras an had a one nite stand an bar dat girl he never had sex wid anybody else...i dunno about oder girls but i have an issue that i only sleep wid guys until i have gone out wid dem THREE WHOLE months..in my head if a fella still sticks around aftr three months wid out sex den his a keeper rite???i wasn gunna throw myself into another relationship an i thot CORK BOY needed 2know d reason why i wasn goin to go out wid him straight away..i told him about the swappin an he was so supportive..time wen on another month or so an ya he got in an i finally made it official as boyfriend an girlfriend wid caution of course..so after three monthsl i "put out" as yee lads wud call it an it was amazin..he just kept lookin at me straiht in the eye while "makin love" an sayin i love u an dis meant so much2him...well i cud believe my luck..he was amazin..GOOD IT b TOO GUD2BE TRUE.??i kept askin myself..he brought me outta myself an awful lot an made me laugh..he was so affectionate..last year mum was diagnosed wid cancer an thank god it was a long haul but she finally was cleared frm it..all that time CORK BOY was constantly der for me..he was amazin..a year2gether an we decide2live2gether in dublin coz i wanted2go bak2college..he wanted to be wid me an so he found a job..i introduced him to LORRAINE whose PAULS cousin by d way..remember PAUL?? it ws through lorraine dat i met PAUL anyways..wen finally found an apartmet they hit it off really well..i felt no threat frm that until now..n ull see why..2put her story short(if only MY OWN story was as short ur probaly sighin) she met a fella n december, got engaged n february, GOT PREGNANT n march an moved n apartment wid him, got disowned by her father because her fella is chinese..an as off monday the chines fella dumped her..dis s where my paranoia wen on overdrive...ill tell u why...as of last week i havn been around d apartment coz i was away home..wen LORRAINE had a fight wid d chinese fella SHE rang MY BOYFRIEND 2COLLECT HER...cork boy never is out of work passed 8 o'clock..wenever i ring him 2come home early he always says he cant,,LORRAINE rang an he dropped everythin an collected her...all dis time she never rang ME at all 2tel wat happened..i had issues wid CORK BOY AN I'S relationship but we always talked about dem an sort things out...wen LORRAINE moved out 2live wid d china man we got a mutual friend MAIREAD2 help pay d rent...CORK BOY loves to mess about an havn d crak but wen his wid me his all subdued an tired d whole time...wenever LORRAINE, LORRAINES friends or MAIREAD b around d apartment he wud be giddy an laughin an messin...like he was wid me wen we first met..but wen it was just myself an himself alone hed suddenly feel tired an fall asleep or b bored..so anyways wen LORRAINE rang him he dropped EVRYTHIN an wen 2collect her..because i wasn n d apartment LORRAINE AN MAREAD AN CORK BOY were here an havn d crak...consoling LORRAINE we she finally got dumped..our lease is through n august an both myself an MAIREAD agreed we cudn live wid LORRAINE coz of the baby..wen LORRAINE moved in wid her chinese man MAIREAD an i were tryin to convince CORK BOY that we shudn live wid a baby..but CORK BOY showed his views in that he didn mind..he wud love to live wid LORRAINE AN THE CHINESE man an d baby...MAIREAD an i tried to convince him otherwise an i just got upset coz he wanted to neither d less..i suggestd to him that mayb we should live in different places nxt year but he was adamant that he "loved me " an that he wanted2live wherever i decided..SOUND...untill LORRAINE moved bak..d wk i ws gone MAIREAD an LORRAINE an CORK BOY bonded if u cud say that an dey started to form a bond..obviously since i wasn around i felt left out an out of the group..wen i arrived d girls told me how CORK BOY was messin d whole time an that he ws hyper ..last nite LORRAINE told CORK BOY she wanted him to be d godfather i was so jealous...it ws through ME that they met an LORRAINE was my friend first an yet she asked him 2be sum1 real important in her babys life..i felt like cryin...wen i arrived bak in apartment der was A weird vibe off everybody..an NOW MAIREAD s now considerin d fact of livin wid LORRAINE...i dunno wat to do...i feel at times i cant have proper conversation wid ANYONE in general an only wen i have vodka an red bull i have d confidence to talk to people to have d crak ..but wen im sober i have nothin2say...im always serious about evrythin..last nite myself an CORK BOY made love an it wasn d same...every other problem i had any issues i had i talked it through wid him...i feel i always bring him down ..i feel his gettn bored an i dunno how to make things better.. i have considered breakin it off wid him but im afraid d girls wil take HIS side an im left alone..its been plaguin me so much its affectin my health..i literally feel sick in thinkin that CORK BOY an LORRAINE wud get2gether an b all happy wid d baby..dat heed cheat on me wid her..wen d two of dem are 2gether der slaggin each other an messin an makin witty remarks bak at each other..MAIREAD s gay by d way so no issues der..wid LORRAINE she chat chats chats an chats..she always have somethin2say so wen she moved out CORK BOY wud often say he missed her..i tried to b hyper but it doesn hav d same affect on him...now i question evrythin i do an say..i feel in the year an half he an i hav been 2gether he has grown up but i have immatured if that at all possible..im an only child so never hd anyone to look up to..i never have anythin interestin to say...i find myself lyin to make my life sund even at all interestin..wen LORRAINE meets new people shes a chatter box wen i met new people n college i felt i was borin dem..dey wud yawn or look away...i have LIED to EVRYONE about me passin my exams which i didn even take..my excuse to not goin to second year is that i cant afford the college fees so gunna do eveing course instead..im n da process of applyin to dublin busines school to do counselling an psychotherapy..HOW IRONIC HUH i can finally sycho analyse myself..if anyone out der..ANYONE at all who actually didn get bored n readin this can at all give me advice i wud take dem or a plan or plot to find sum answers because at this very moment in time feel so lost..i feel der all against me..i feel CORK BOY can do much better dan me but cant bare myself to break it of wid him as he hasn really done anythin wrong...i don wan to say to LORRAINE dat CORK BOY an i wan to live 2gether coz i no for a fact he wants to hav d crak living wid LORRAINE an MAIREAD..I MEAN FOR GODS SAKE I CUDN EVEN sleep last nite paranoid dat all dis breakin up thin wid d china man s all a ploy so that ill live wid her..that the three of dem have planned it all out .. LORRAINE wants to live wid CORK BOY TOO but because im his girlfriend i suppose she has to include me...CORK BOYS job s very stressful for him..his a site engineer an he can at times come home down an really blue..wen it was him an me he comes home STRAIGHT TO bed..wen LORRAINE s around he stays up an she cheers him up..god i feel so depressed..AM I depressin any of u?? going to a counsellor is me last resort coz i find it hard to speak about my personal problems face-to-face wid a stranger..i hate feeling judged..i wudn even know how to begin..CORK BOY bein frm cork HENCE D NAME..doesn really hav many friends he can talk to..im just afraid if anythin happens between d two of us he will turn to LORRAINE an i am very fearfull that i will drive dem2gether..HELP ME..i need help..wat do i bloody do.???? .my confidence has completely hit rock bottom an covered wid layers of paranoia..i do have friends i can confide in but dey all know CORK BOY an each one says he wudn do anythin do hurt me..AN HE WUDN..not intentionally anyways..oh did i mention i check hs msgs frm time2time an d only msgs he has s frm me..AN I KNOW HE gets msgs..why does he erase dem..???wat is he hiding.??.includin bebo..he writes msgs an den erases dem..he emails alot so i acn t see der comments bak.i told him all about dis an he says he had nothin to hide..he offered to give me his password..i felt bad nt been able to trust him so i said no..one time he fell asleep an his account was still active an i found emails frm his ex girlfriend..an other msgs frm girls an dey were flirtin..messin..so i asked him for the password..he offered it to me an since den he has changed his password..ooooo IF ANYONE KNOWS how to crak his password it will help me shine a light..can anyne HELP..im sorry this s sooooooo long but story had 2be told in full just n case anyone can psycho analyse me..HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL LLLPPPPPPPPP .please..i am desperate...how do i get me confidence...???how can i stop frm bein paranoid???im 26 an look 18...help me

 
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Old 07-04-2007, 04:37 AM   #2
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Xant HB User
Re: :confused: confidence an paranoia issues....MY LIFE BEIN TOTALLY AFFECTED :(

I tried reading this but I couldn't. Sorry, but you post a summary in English?

 
Old 07-04-2007, 04:46 AM   #3
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chinadoll141 HB User
Re: :confused: confidence an paranoia issues....MY LIFE BEIN TOTALLY AFFECTED :(

tanks for tryin anyways...how do mean postin it in ENGLISH??

Last edited by chinadoll141; 07-04-2007 at 04:47 AM.

 
Old 07-04-2007, 12:11 PM   #4
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isitme HB Userisitme HB User
Re: :confused: confidence an paranoia issues....MY LIFE BEIN TOTALLY AFFECTED :(

Basically, you did the boyfriend/girlfriend swop (to test him and his loyalty) and he failed big time. That lost you your self esteem and trust in anyone. It seems as though that night will haunt you forever. Have you accepted part of the blame for swopping partners? Anxiety seems to have taken over your life. Alot seems to be going on. Could you write down a list of what you see as your main problems, (in a word - eg, anger, fear, ashamed etc). Are drugs, alcohol involved? Both can induce feelings of paranoia.

 
Old 07-05-2007, 05:02 AM   #5
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chinadoll141 HB User
Re: :confused: confidence an paranoia issues....MY LIFE BEIN TOTALLY AFFECTED :(

thaks for reply...a list of my main problems wud be just trust issues (well thats a given really isn it?) i don take drugs but i think i mayb dependin on alcohol to be "happy" an deny any of my feelings...d feeling wen im drunk is d feeling i wan wen im sober..im a laugh..i can actualy laugh an its not DRUNK DRUNK falling over d place hungover drink affect ..its d stage where it just hit u an ur merry an hee hee i can laugh at anythin stage,,I LOVE THAT..EVRYONE S MORE RECEPTIVE..even MY BOYFRIEND..also my paranoia just overtakin my life an OH jeaousy..GOD I HATE FEELIN JEALOUS.an its over d stupidist things..im an only child an my father died wen i was two months n mum remarried an irish man wen i was 5 hence how i came here..growin up was never a problem..i wudn say i was popular but hell i never got bulied an had tonnes of friends..WAS THE CAPTAIN OF BOTH THE FOOTBALL AN BASKETBALL TEAM..i found as growinn in secondary school i started 2become awkward around people an in myself..doubtin everythin..doubtin things id say..d main situation rite now is jealousy 2wards my friend LORRAINE an dat how she has such an affect on my boyfriend .i wan him2be able to come home an know ill be able to cheer him up..shes fun..im not anymore..im a drag..he comes home an his mellowed but once she comes in d door he gets a boost of energy..i wan dat..dey hav a bond.for now its friendship but ya hear it happen an im afraid der feelings will change 2wards each oder..who wants2go out wid a girl whose always down in d dumps an insecurities issues wen u can hav fun wid sum1 who makes u feel wanted an sspecial an can actually make decisions an say THIS is wat i want or NO i don wan go here bla bla bla..ya i admit it...i feel left out ...an wenever IM around his not as giddy...i feel im becoming unhealthy for him..dat im bringin him down d whole time..thanks for readin the long story an thanks for commnetin..just rite now i need2find a solution2all dis sumhow an actualy start living my life...i don wanna be d one dats bringing everbody down an boring an tryin to be funny but completely ending up makin a fool of myself...i appreciate people out der givin input an mayb suggestions on wt2do..its confortin knowin that der MITE still b a chance2find d way around my insecurities an feel that people do like me..for who i am...

Last edited by chinadoll141; 07-05-2007 at 05:15 AM.

 
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