Well, Iím not sure where to put this, but I seem to have a totally addictive/compulsive personality.
It seems that itís always something that Iím going out of control with. A while ago it was money and shopping. Ever since I was about 19 Iíve had bouts of compulsive spending where I can spend thousands in weeks, and know what Iím doing and feel sick and guilty as Iím doing it, but canít seem to stop myself. These tend to come every few months or so, and in between Iím pretty quiet and reserved, shopping-wise.
Right now Iím not in a shopping binge, but I am eating so much junk foodÖI quit smoking 2 years ago and for the 6 months following I gorged myself on food and put on almost 20 pounds. I then took control (for the first time in my life. Iíve always been naturally thin with a fast metabolism so never had to lose weight or even think about it before this) and lost the weight in the next 6 months, and itís not risen much again yet, but I can feel myself completely slipping into hyper-indulgence mode with food. I leave the house with good intentions to only eat sushi and water and Subway and stuff, but then I go to have lunch and somehow end up thinking, ďI want McDonalds. Screw it! Iím having it!Ē (and often chocolate and donuts as well) *sigh* I have NO willpower at all right now it seems.
Why must there always be something Iím binging on/addicted to, so to speak? Why canít I just be normal and balanced? I feel like Iím completely out of control with whichever my current binge focus usÖand I know most people are like this to an extent, but with me itís just really destructive. I literally spend so much money when I spend, and I eat so much crap, or I smoked incessantly for years and could very well start again at any point I fearÖ*sigh*