Junior Member (male)
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: pa usa
My story about being one of the first to have border line disorder
I thought it may help some people, if I tell my story of being one of the first to get the then fairly new, border line personality disorder lable. Back then it was not like I see it now, where family doctors even give that lable so easy. The DSM 3 was very clear on it, you had to be in treatment under the same doctor. For no less then 3 years, and you had to fit into the groups to be one.
My story starts after I got into a bad wreck, my head took a pretty hard hit. It was like I had died, but my body kept living anyway. My head healed but my mental heath did not, I was drinking really bad and got 4 DUI's in little over a years time. The judge ordered me to stop working, and into treatment or go to jail as long as he could keep me there.
I first was drug dependent, P.T.S.S. from the wreck and depression, and had other lables put on me as well. I went to treatment for many years, got S.S.D. and then I went as far as I could with my therapists. I knew as much as they did, even got to the point I corrected them and I was right. See I could only agree with the above the lables, the other ones they give me just did not fit right.
At any rate at close to 4 years into treatment, I lived at their group home and people there would get upset with me. They could not say why I made them upset at all, but they made me see the doctor, to see if I need to go into the hospital or needed meds. He was the head doctor there, and he looked over my records and ask me some stuff. I answered him and he checked my records once again, he turned to me and looked at me funny.
And said in a cold voice, you know what I think, I think you got a border line personality disorder, that is what I think and I took notice how cold he was when he said that. A few days later I looked it up in the DSM 3, tears rolled down my eyes. After all that time in treatment, I looked at all the groups and seen my self there. I knew why he said it so coldly, the out come did not look very good.
They give me a psychologists to go to, she was one of the smartest people I ever seen. My first therapist I had for over a year, he moved up to run the whole place. But I still went to him for help at times, he wrote a letter to the S.S. law judge, and to the court judge both pretty much went with what he asked. At one time they put me into the hospital, I had seen psychologist there for in take and out take.
So when I went to him to talk about my border line, he said yes they had thought as much before. And that they had brang it up before, he said I was not ready to hear it then though. And that he was sending me to the psychologist, that he could no longer help me because he got to close to me. And was siding with me when it wasn't the best thing for me, today he is the man that runs all the metal heath places in the county.
So I went to the psychologist, as I said she was really smart she had a way of saying things. At the right time that made me get it, I asked what my out come looked like. She said not very good, but there was some hope if I could become a expert. At finding out my own problems as they come up, and treating them my self then there was some hope. And that I would have to do that, the rest of my life.
I went to see her 3 to 4 times a week for close to 3 years, I also went and got my GED. I started reading mental heath collage text books, I had always felt if I could under stand my problem I could beat it. Then my psychologist said she was leaving, to open her own practice in another city. She said that she thought I would be ok, but I could most likely find a another psychologist if I really felt I had to.
The last day I seen her as I was leaving, she set there and thanked me. I said why are you thanking me for, she said I learned so much from you. I had to make sure, I did not get to close to you as well. And that I had forced her to think very hard, about how to let me learn to help my self. And learn to under stand how I thought, and that made her learn way more then she ever had before.
I called around for new psychologist, none would take the insurance I had. One how ever said he would see me for free, if I was a real border line and said, to come by so he could get my records if I wanted to see him. See I learned that psychologist, jumped at the rare chance to work with a real border line. It was not like today, a family doctor could in no way give that lable back then.
You may have heard about the person, that was a border line and become a psychologist. That person beat their border line they said, I also wanted to become a psychologist at one time. It also goes back to having to become a expert, that is very true and even then you do not really beat it. You live a sheltered life always, and it's gets easier to it but still it's there just waiting to come out. It really is your personality, who you are in a nut shell it's really you.
I'm a pretty smart guy, and I made the choice to not see another psychologist. Instead I seen a therapist, I forced my self to make the best of it. And I found that they could be very helpful, to check my own thinking to make sure it was on track. I did not take any meds for it, tried them and they never help any. I had to take a major downer, to keep from getting to upset for a little while though. I had a baby girl back in 96, I had drank and used drug off and on till just before she was born.
She was born a preme, and they handed her to me before taking her off. As I set there holding her, looking down at her she open her eyes for the first time. She was looking right at me, it was like I looked into her soul almost. I have not used after that again, she will be 11 in a few days and I never get upset with her. I love her with no stings put on her, about 6 months after she was born. My therapist said he thought I was ready, to leave and try not going there anymore.
And if I needed to I could always go back into treatment, I have not really needed to go back. I live a sheltered life, and the border line is always there waiting to come out. I must stay on my toes, but I'm ok with life now and feel ok with my self. One of the hardest things I ever had to face, was the fact that all my problems I had, was because of the way I thought about things day to day. I have done it by my own thinking, it was no one else or not the world but me.
See you never ever beat border line, you just learn to control your thinking. And keep checking it, and make your self think of things from other peoples point of view. That gets easier after doing it a long time, but the border line keeps trying to sneak up on you. You must beat it every day of your life, and I still worry that now as I turned 43 years old. That in old age I may not, be able to control it at some point. If you take anything away from this, remember that if you are a border line.
That it's really you and your thinking, that you have from day to day. And you alone must adjust your thinking, in order to make your life better then it is. And you must force your self, to under stand where other people are coming from. It's not about them, but about you getting what you really want from life. Life may not be super great, but it can get to be ok and you can be ok with your self.
I had thought the wreck had killed my self image, and for a long time try to get my life back before the wreck. But I found out I had problems, before the wreck and the wreck just made them much worst. My mind is thinking from the time I get up, till the time I fall asleep then starts over as soon as I wake up. I under stand I don't think like other people, but I under stand how other people think and that makes a big difference. So am I a expert like my psychologist, said I would have to become, I would say yes I am it really is the only way.
This is pretty long so I'll wrap it up, I suffered many bad things and still do. But today I'll get upset, and catch it and under stand it's my thinking that is the problem. Once you under stand some thing, and really believe it it becomes much easier to act on it. I under stand my border line will never go away, but it does get easier. I also under stand I must live a sheltered life, I'm not the kind to open up like this, but it is my hope this will help others by doing so here.
You act on what you think, change the thinking and then it becomes, much easier to change your actions and reactions. Think long about what you want from life, then set goals and keep at it then you will reach that point. Goals for what you want from life, and setting them as short term and long term, is a must for anyone with border line. Think where others are coming from, and why they talk and act the way they do, then your relationships will start getting better.