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Old 11-08-2007, 06:36 PM   #16
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Where I am at

Hi:

I am not sure actually. I seem to wake up and my brain starts to go to a point where I am actually almost hyper then Seroquel takes all the fun away for a few hours then I start all over again til the midnight dose. The hyper is fun for a while as long as I don't need to make a decision on something....urges towards self harm get nasty along with the ideation but I have tons of energy.... I said on another board I have enough energy to run the boston marathon but we better not cross any bridges ..... I know I am safe right now but thank goodness for seroquel .... how is that for a messed up answer.

take care
trg247

 
Old 11-08-2007, 08:23 PM   #17
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Pri Lily HB User
Re: Where I am at

uh...good.....

Thank goodness for the seroquel.

Tell the urges to go.....take a long walk off a short pier....I know, yes you can.

It's somewhere to start. Please try....for me.....(I really am serious, but that looks ridiculous, even to me)

You don't need to do that anymore....it's time to get better.

We really are hard to deal with y'know.

Lil

 
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Old 11-09-2007, 09:56 PM   #18
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Where I am at

Hi:

Seroquel is proving to be pretty effective when it comes to urges, racing thoughts and what have you but boy does it quickly end a rather good time quick. I have spent the last couple of years in a nasty depression and being that close to manic is kind of a nice change. Every afternoon I look at that bottle and I wonder what would happen if I "forgot" to take it would I keep gaining speed or would it level off eventually. Probably not a good idea to find out. Everyday I am suppose to track my behavior for the next mental med appointment knowing my doctor he will prescribe more for the morning with some arguement about maintaing a stable level through out the day. Oh well time to go to sleep and come back down. I don't really think there was a point to this particular post rather than for my own amusement and I guess tracking behaviors

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 11-10-2007, 11:45 AM   #19
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Pri Lily HB User
Re: Where I am at

trg....

It took years, and me losing everything...and I mean everything, for me to get where I am today. I was either raging at someone, spending money that I didn't have (was homeless for 2 weeks), laying in bed for years at a time, or a combination of some or all...sometimes a few times a day.

I was exhausted all the time, just from being alive.

You are your best Doctor. You know that you are exceptionally intelligent. The fact that you're in the condition you're in attests to that. I have found, in my experience with other people, that the more intelligent they are, the more sick they get. What has happened to us, offends our sensibilities way more than that of the average person.

For me, the urges would be the first order of business....Seroquel, hitting myself over the head with a bottle....whatever....I hate those......mo....things. Oh, and convincing myself that I haven't done anything to deserve the urges in the first place. They really are a habit, like smoking.

I think I'm done for now.....just rambling I think....time for medication...can you tell?

Lil

 
Old 11-10-2007, 03:24 PM   #20
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Where I am at

My life would be so much easier if I was not aware of what I was doing to myself, just nod at the doctors order and do what he says instead of picking it to pieces looking for a reason not to listen.

The urges are there but they are in check as my "safe plan" seems to be working or the meds are doing their job. Self harm is nearing on three weeks without an incident which might be the longest since I came off of Zyprexa (I gained over 60 pounds very quickly and it began to effect the way I breathed) so for me that is pretty impressive. Very impulsive in terms of spending which I need to keep a closer eye on or win the lottery tonight. Seroquel really helps but I am still trying to figure out the timing.

take care
terry
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 11-10-2007, 05:49 PM   #21
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Pri Lily HB User
Re: Where I am at

Hi Terry..

Timing is everything, with medication.

The turning point for me came last August. I had a week long black out, and tried to off myself sometime during that week. My ex-husband thinks that I was probably at home by myself, sleeping for at least 2 days. I apparently sent him an e-mail to come and get my cats. He didn't look at his e-mail until until 2 days after that.

I vaguely remember him being here...and he wanted me to get up....I said no.....then he threatened to take the cats. I remember this part....I realized I was gonna live, and told him I needed my cats. He told me to get up. Apparently I got up. He realized that I would be ok, and left at some point.

When I woke up, I got out of bed, and fell on my face...I didn't know what had happened....I was so groggy.

I looked at my pill bottle....hmmmmm I think I know.....over a month's worth missing....my Doctor tells me that if I did take them all, I should not be here. I have ripped the house apart looking for some I may have stashed....nothing....and I don't know why I would stash them anyway.

After that, I thought to myself....ok, I guess I'm gonna be here for a while. You've been out to lunch for a week, you don't even know what you did, but it didn't work. Time to give that plan up.

It's working...my moods are much more stable....I have days where I'm up and down constantly, but for the most part, I've been pretty stable.

My family Doctor, keeps on telling me I'm not on enough Lithium. I told him to look up the last report, the dosage is therapeutic, and I'm stable, why do we want to mess with it? He agreed with me....we're leaving everything as is.

So, the bi-polar is stable, but the borderline...it's much harder, because like you, I find it "normal" to cut someone out of my life for....say not calling me at 8:00 on the dot, if that's when they said they would call. I'm trying really hard to have patience, and just wait things out, rather than ending them right now!....but of course I think I'm right, and being an impatient Aries doesn't help at all.

Know what I mean?

Jan

 
Old 11-10-2007, 07:07 PM   #22
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Where I am at

Hi:

I was taken off of Lithium maybe three or four weeks ago - 1050mg to 700 to 350 over a two week period. Before I went into the hospital my level had been high for I think four months period, my therory is I dropped 60 plus pounds in a short period 260 plus to 200 now. My doctor kept having me retested refusing to believe what he read - same doctor I had in the hospital.

I liked the way it kept me at a pretty level pace and I have really noticed it when away but the doctor wants to see how Nardil acts on its own then decide whether or not I need to go back on it or something like.

Lithium darkside if you will had me with a constant tremor that would spread throughout my body as the day progressed to the point I had difficulty getting down the stairs at night.

The day of my last appointment I said I was loosing or lost control. I pulled up one sleeve up to my elbow and it was a complete mess ......my doctor had asked once before in two years to see the marks and I had never voluntarily showed them before. I was admitted within a couple of hours and would have been sooner but for whatever the reason I decided not to stick around his office but went home then realized I should have remained so I called them back told him to report to the hospital immediately, packed some stuff up, left a reason of absence on this site ..... they tend to worry if I am not around for a couple of days, then went in. Once in my doctor took me off all of my other meds (except Temazapam) within a two week period - Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron - I had to be certain drug free for two weeks before Nardil could be started. Lithium was suppose to be stopped during my first week but between the nurses and myself convinced him otherwise to delay a couple of weeks. Seroquel was added when Lithium was stopped and after Ativan proved useless ( middle of an urge I caused three marks that will take a very long time to go away if ever with the patient ID bracelet). I have not made a actual suicide attempt in years but tend to walk a very fine line with self harm where it does not seem to bother me if I went too far if that makes any sense

As far as Nardil working I can't seem to stay in one state long enough to figure it out on its effectiveness. If I had to guess I would say its doing nothing

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
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