Since this board is only for patients, call me Dunsten. I'm checking in. Hello again. I've been on the lam...laying low...hiding out...cheesing it. Actually, I've been living with my son for the past several weeks (almost month)waiting for him to get comfortable with the idea of me being alone. The first week wasn't happening after he, my BPD SO, threatened to kill my son. The second week I had Temporary Orders and a court date the following week. The third week I found out he'd hired a top gun, but he still had the nerve to show up at court pretending to be a cripple; in fact he did his best to imitate me. Is that anywhere in the PBD book? By the way, for the record it is possible to be BPD and be in relationship with a BPD, ergo I'm Dunsten.
I've checked into my solitary confinement luney bin for the BPD which has me bouncing off the walls. We aren't designed to be alone, are we? I just realized that I could do "alone" when my son was small because he was there. But I've never done alone alone. Not for an extended period. Any ideas on how to survive this will be most appreciated and welcomed.
Yes, imitation is in the BPD handbook.... anything that will garner attention...preferrably good attention....but not always....there are some recent newsworthy BPD's...Columbine, and Virginia Tech among them.
Sorry to hear of your confinement, but it may be best for your own safety. Being safe is of paramount importantce.
Thanks for the encouragement. It's good to hear from both of you. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. I did; it was good to be with the kids again. I know they're too cramped in their little house to have me on a full-time basis, but I hope they don't mind me being around more.
Today was okay, too, with the mad holiday shopping frenzy, until I accidentally almost ran into my husband. I think I found a new gear on my car when I saw his car. I've gotta find a new place to shop.
You know I've been sitting here thinking about it since I hit the POST button, and I know I've been okay the past couple of days because I've been out with other people. But most days I don't have the health or energy to go out. I was forcing myself to do it for so long in spite of my health, that I dug myself into a hole.
Those are the days that, although my body says a difinitive "NO", my mind after while starts going wild with the need for contact. In my youth when this situation presented itself, I would simply fix myself up and go out with my gilrfriend(s) and find a new "relationship" to fill the void. That guy would be just fine for a while maybe, if we hit if off, but as soon as he did something wrong or I felt threatened in any way by his actions, he was dismissed.
My husband is the longest relationship I've ever had with another human being outside of related family and my best girlfriend. Sadly, I can't help but wonder now if we didn't feed off of each others' sickness. It wasn't all that obvious at first when I was out working all the time, at least to me then. I'm getting twenty-twenty hind-sight. I'll give him credit though, of the two of us, he was overwhelming the champion at rage and rejection.
Oh well, stick a fork in me; I'm done. Night ya'll.
Very nice self diagnosis...are you serious about it?
Thank goodness, he didn't see you.
You have come this far, you will work things out.....
Yes, I'm serious...as a heart attack. That's the thing about being physically handicapped, it's given me a whole new perspective and a lot of time to think about life. While I was trying to survive what I now know to be my husband's BPD episodes and wondering what what going on, I was really seeking understanding about him and his illness. Initially I didn't even know what to call it. It's only because of some books and this board that I learned what I believe he has.
But when I really got into studying the meat of the material I'd picked up at the bookstores, I started seeing me reflected on those pages, too. I had to go back and take stock of all that had happened between my husband and me to make sure I hadn't been projecting any or at least not too much. But as I did this, I went over some things I had made record of through the last few years of some particularly bad times. I couldn't the deny hard evidence or confuse it with projecting. I also paid particular attention to his building BPDisms and was extremely careful to stay focused in reality myself as the days passed.
I don't believe I went off half-cocked into BPD-land through any of this with him, but I'm finding myself very edgy since coming back to this empty house. I think I did pretty well all the way until now. The last time I had an empty house was 1972 and then I had a parade of boyfriends until I met my son's father.
I want you to know, Lil, if it hadn't been for you and some of the things you've said, I don't know if I would have had the courage to face it and say, "Me too." I tried really hard to deny it at first, because it's a hard thing to admit. I still have to tell my therapist the next time I see her. I'm telling you this so you can make me accountable for telling her. I haven't been seeing her very long so she doesn't really know me. But I just wanted to say, "Thank you," to you.
Perhaps as a senior citizen I will finally be able to find the peace of mind that has elluded me much of my life. They say knowledge is power and I also have every hope and much faith for the future. I don't believe I was brought this far to get dropped on my head. The best of my life is still in front of me.
Listen, if I come back here any time within the next year and tell you there is someone else in my life, just reach through your computer and slap me, will ya? or short-circuit my keyboard? something?
Thanks, Lil. Will do. I'll let you slap me around right now a little to get me out of this funk. I feel like the weather here--cold and rainy.
I've been so depressed and so out of energy since I got back from shopping Friday, I haven't even showered. It's been all I can do to get out of bed and feed the dog in the mornings. I sit on the computer all day trying to sort out my life or run away from it, I'm not sure. Even before I moved back home, I spent too much bidding on some antiques. And I know I probably spent too much on the kids for Christmas. I've got it all spread out in the living room looking at me and I'm trying to decide what if anything, I should return before the holidays.
Then there's my nightly pig-out on sweets...ice cream and candy of late. I either forget to eat or over-eat the wrong things these days. When I was a kid from 13 to 16 years old, I was anorexic and bullemic before anyone knew what they were, so I'm very aware of these two things and my tendencies. I'm skating on thin ice right now, but I'm not in the drink yet.
My attorney is expecting me to complete another 50-page report and get that back to him this week and I feel overwhelmed by it. I don't even want to look at it.
On top of everything else, I've got a sweet little man in India who's counting on me to help raise funds to buy blankets, rice and medicines for the poor in Orissa and Andrha Pradesh for Christmas, but I couldn't even get my butt out of the house today to work on this and this would have been a prime day to do so. The people at my church are usually very generous toward the poor.
My husband used to tell me that I was useless and a looser all the time and right now, I have to agree with him. I feel about as useful as a milk bucket under a bull. My mother used to tell me when I got in these "funks" to just snap out of it and put my chin up and pull myself up by my bootstraps. I wish it were that easy.
The last time I went through a relationship break-up, I quit my job, went back to my mother's for a while to care for her (she was ill), then I started collecting vintage Barbie dolls and traveling the country doing the trade shows. It was a wonderful and exciting experience, but I was so far in debt after six months that I had no choice but to return to work and dig myself out of the hole I got myself into financially.
Now I'm in a huge hole because of this house and my health and I've only dug a bit further in rather than being more cautious. I hope and pray that I make it through this without having to declare bankruptcy and/or loosing the house.
Well, that's a lot to chew. I think I'll leave it there for now then.
My mother used to tell me when I got in these "funks" to just snap out of it and put my chin up and pull myself up by my bootstraps. I wish it were that easy.
Our families must know each other.....if I had a dollar for every time this has been said to me, I'd be rich.
The reason you're "useless", is because you've had the breakup of a relationship, and the realization that you have a mental disorder. Quite a bit to deal with, all at once don't you think?
My Mother had another saying...."be kind to yourself." You are going through a huge ordeal. Expect a bit of fall out. That's how we end up like this...we don't allow for fall out.
I would deal with the most important things first...the lawyers report maybe?
If I were going through what you're going through, I would be in what I call "Survival Mode." This mode is where I do what has to be done to get through the day....nothing more. Food, shelter, and whatever else I deem to be the most important tasks to accomplish.
Everyone else is told that I am sick, and cannot do whatever it is that they want done.....I'm very sorry. End of story. No guilt.
Believe it or not, you are Superwoman right now, just keeping your head above water.
You need all your energy to help yourself right now.....I am very apologetic, but firm, when in "Survival Mode."
I got slapped pretty hard after I posted yesterday. I checked on my friend and neighbor who's been fighting a metatastic skin cancer for over a year only find out that she had died at 9:00 P.M. the night before. But she'd been doing better the last I'd heard a few days ago. Her blood count was better and they were encouraged because the doctors were continuing the chemo. It's so awful. Her youngest two won't even remember her in a few months and her oldest will have a hard time remembering after a while. They are so young.
I hear what you are saying. Yes, of course, I need to concentrate on one thing at a time and prioritize right now. That 50-page monster would be priority one. I'm going to dedicate myself to it today and however many days it takes to get it done.
Yes, you're right, of course. I don't cut myself much (any) slack. That's something my husband either understood and didn't care or didn't understand...it doesn't matter at this point anyway, but mother was the same. The times they were hyper-critical of me and I was down on me, they only reinforced my negative feelings toward myself and drove me to inaction. If I was feeling good about myself, they reinforced my negative feelings about them and drove me to action, i.e. running away, getting a job, moving to my own apartment, up the corporate ladder, late hours and weekends at the office, anything to keep me away from him and give me respite.
So, Survival Mode, it is. Food and shelter, for the dog and me, and complete the report this week...those are my objectives...and the funereal. And tell my therapist. My list is growing. But I have to get through this because court is next week and the lawyer says he needs to produce the document before we go to court.
I'll let you know how it goes with the therapist and all this week. Thanks for being here, my friend.
Did you ever feel ignored or invisible or like the words you were saying must have been in a foreign language? I tried to tell my therapist today, but I don't think she believed me. She seems to feel that I'm just really depressed.
But from everything I've read, I'm pretty much a classic case. I'd consider changing therapists, but I can't afford to just now. Perhaps in time she will see as she comes to know me better.
I'll grant you, I've matured a lot over the years and don't act out or behave as impulsively as I did as a youngster, but it's not for lack of desire. I'm still quite capable of getting myself in trouble. I so very much want to find me, the well and whole me, the one who isn't dependent on a man or any other person or job for her self-worth. I don't want to have to second-guess myself everytime I have a thought or emotion or feel like I'm in another world. Do you know what I mean?
My friend's funereal is day after tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm going out to the attorney's office to dig through my file and try to finish filling out this 50-page document as best I can. It's daunting. I don't even understand some of what it's asking...legalese. What, they can't speak English to the client?
Aw, gees, look at that. It's almost 8 o'clock and I forgot to eat again today. Guess I'll go and rustle up some grub.
Thanks for the pep talk. The one thing I figured out about attorneys is that they write this drivel in language only they can understand (hopefully) in order to charge us all big bucks to decifer it and make everything sound official (and officious dependent on where and who you are in the situation). They could be more helpful by bringing it down a notch when dealing with their client, but that's not what gets them paid.
Now as for your speculation/observation about therapists acknowledging patients' self-diagnosis, I can certainly understand that having gone through similar experiences with physicians concerning my health problems. So I guess this should come as no surprise. After all they spent years and put a lot of effort into going to school so they could be the one to diagnose patients, not have the patients diagnose themselves.
I'm in a much better place...it's morning. I'm still daunted by the task at hand, but I will get through it because I have to. I wish I could tell you everything I'm thinking, but it would take too long. I just believe that there is a plan for my life and I'm going to get through all of this. The therapist did tell me about a book that she wants me to read along these lines, so we'll see if it sheds some light on my path. I ordered it yesterday and hopefully will have it in a few weeks.
Must now go do paperwork nose to the grindstone and all that. By the way, you always seem to be in a good place when you're here on the Board. I hope that's true of your life and that you've found a good place.