Hello everyone. Yes, it's me. I've been gone a long time and a lot has changed. It will take a long time for me to update on what's been going on in the very long time since I have posted.
I have spent almost a year re-discovering myself. I am now single and living alone in an apartment in another city. I have learned many new things which I would like to share with you. I have learned that it is possible for a borderline person to be alone, for a while, and discover who she is. I am in therapy again. I have found a wonderful therapist who challenges me.
Over the past year I have lost 102 lbs, gotten control of my diabeties, gotten down to three meds from 24, controlled my blood pressure, lowered my cholrestrol, am able to walk up to 7 miles at a time, have no more panic attacks, and learned to live alone. I now teach basic living skills, reading and math to MRDD adults at an adult day program. I have many new friends, I have healthy relationships with my children and I am a grandmother.
I have missed posting to this board, but I am back now. I would like to share my new borderline experiences with this community again. I've learned some new things about beinging in recovery.
I'll be catching up with the posts for a while, so bear with me....
Recovering Borderline - 20 years +
I'm in awe! I'm so looking forward to reading your posts and hearing about your experiences. Congratulations on the weight loss and getting off all the meds. That's absolutely terrific! I'm very interested in hearing about that part, because I currently am keeping several pharmacies in business for one thing or another.
I've been missing you girlfriend! Wondering and hoping everything was ok with you! Well, wow it sounds BETTER than OK! I'm an so happy to hear that you have made so many positive changes in your life, and so HAPPY to hear from you! The losing weight sounds awesome and getting your diabetes under control......I can't begin to tell you how proud of you I am! I'm sorry to hear you're single, but it sounds like you're doing great. Do you still have your dogs? I wish I could give you a great big hug! Welcome back, my friend........there are people here who you can really help! please don't stay away that long again!
love ya girl!!!
Hello again, sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to everyone. I've been pretty busy over the holidays.
As I may have mentioned, I am now single. It's a long story that I am willing to share at another date, and it will take several posts to reveal what happened with my marriage to Larry. I am happy now and i believe that I am finally mentally and emotionally healthy now.
I am finally living in an environment that is also healthy. I have a lovely apartment, I don't have to worry whether my utilities will be shut off and I have food to eat. Remember last year and the years previous when everything was up in the air.
My step father reminded me that all I wanted for Christmas last year was to take a shower.
Last year: I was 240 lbs, my glucose level was about 350, my blood pressure was thru the roof, I was hospitalized for a double by-pass, after a heart attack, I had digestive problems, and I was afraid of everything. My living situation was horrible. I was in a house that had no utilities because I couldn't work. My husband wouldn't work. It was cold. I would go next door to use the bathroom. My husband hadn't taken a shower in six weeks. He wouldn't go next door to take a shower, even though the neighbors offered. We got buckets of water from the neighbors to flush the commode. I was severely depressed and in danger of another heart attack. My husband wouldn't even go to the hospital with me.
While I was lying in the hospital bed, after surgery, I was told that I couldn't climb steps and I would need to stay with someone for a week or so. My mom said I could stay with her. So I did. It was so nice to be in a home with utilities and warm food. I decided that I couldn't live the life I was living anymore. I moved in with my parents. I left my husband.
My parents agreed to support me until I got my disability and I talked to my husband about a six month plan. If he got a job and supported himself for six months, I would think about getting back together with him, I did love him, remember? My parents and I found this wonderful apartment.
I was so different then. I was afraid of everything. I was so quiet and shy. I didn't want anyone to see me. I was in such terrible physical condition I couldn't walk a half a block without needing to rest. I was so depressed that I would cry all day long. Time passed by so slowly. I was afraid to make any noise.
I was so depressed that I didn't want to eat or make any mess. My mom was paying so much for this place and I didn't want to screw up. I never knew when they would stop by and I didn't want to disappoint them, so I would clean constantly. I become obsessed with keeping things clean and I would have panic attacks about being alone and keeping busy to pass the time. I would go for walks just to keep from looking at the walls. I didn't want to unpack because I really didn't want to be here, I wanted my marriage to work, I wanted to believe that my husband would go out and get a job, support himself and we would get back together. But somewhere inside me I knew better.
I only ate oatmeal, cereal and salads. I didn't cook. My mom and step dad would take me out to dinner on Friday nights, and they would come and see me. My apartment was only functional, it was not decorated at all.
Finally, I joined an outpatient group therapy at the local hospital for some socialization. That helped. It lasted six weeks, and was everyday for three hours. I hated weekends since I had nothing to do. In the afternoons when therapy was over, I would walk. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was walking over two miles a day.
My husband moved to homeless shelter here and got a job.
But it took him four months to do that. By that time, I had lost fifty pounds. I was still shy and quiet. I was referred to a day program. I became a volunteer for disabled adults. I continued walking. Walking reduces stress.
My husband worked his job, but never supported himself. He stayed at the homeless shelter until Memorial Day. By then I was walking over 5 miles a day, and up to 20 miles on the weekends. I was volunteering full time at the day program and coming out of my shell more and more. I was down almost 100 pounds by then. I got up the courage to tell my husband that I wanted a divorce.
I wanted a new life. I wanted a new me to go with the new body.
I realized that my husband needed me to be sick and fat for him to happy. He is co dependent. My diabetes is under control, my blood pressure is under control. I have gained a few pounds, but that's ok.
My apartment is nicely decorated now. I have a boyfriend who treats me great. I actually like myself most days.
I'm still borderline and have my mood swings, but my new boyfriend is understanding. He's helped me work through a lot of my problems of coming back to me.
I'll write more of my transformation of coming back to me after my divorce.
It's great to be back and I'll glad to catch up with Rose and Lori and Stenn and all you that I don't know yet. I hope I can comfort, inform and support anyone and everyone who may need it.
Laura aka Nakita
Recovering Borderline - 20 years +
Nakita (Laura Lee)
I'm so glad to hear from you, you sound so together girl!
I'm sorry things didn't work out with Larry, but you're right, he's co-dependent and you need to be away from him to be healthy. He was holding you back. I don't wish him any harm, but that's his deal and he has to live with his life. I am so so glad your health is improving! 20 miles on the weekend, holy cow you go girl! So tell me about your new boyfriend! How did you meet him, etc. How is Jon, I hope he's still doing ok. So how far are you from where you used to live? Sounds like all that volunteer work is doing you good! I'm so happy for you! Talk to you soon!