HurtinHouston

Hi Karen

It just simply amazes me how parrallel our universe has been the past couple of years. My life went into meltdown in August of '05 thanks to a back injury, but I was in deep sneeks on my job before that with a dirty-dealing boss. I'd have given anything to stay. I understand the company showed him the door within a couple of months of my injury.

My mother-in-law, who passed a few months ago had Parkinson's. That and senial dementia caused her to do things she shouldn't. We had no sooner gotten her home from the rehab and a hip replacement, then she climbed out of her bed in the middle of the night rather than call for the live-in nurse and fell on her head. She fractured her skull and had to have emergency surgery which she did quite well from, but took a turn for the worse several weeks later slipping into a coma and finally passed a few weeks after that, bless her heart. She was much older than your mother though. We were blessed to have her as long as we did.

Unfortunately, when she died, so did my marriage. I didn't realize until she'd fallen this last time that my husband was just waiting for his inheritance to kick me to the curb. When she survived the surgery and it looked as if she might make it, he changed his tune, but when she went into the coma, it all tanked. He'd already spent all of my savings and was trying to spend my inheritance, too, so he was just looking for a way out financially. Now he's after as much as he can get of whatever is left on his way out the door and he's hired the most expensive attorney in Houston to try to get it.

Depression is an awful thing. It makes us think all wrong about everything, especially about ourselves. I'd like to focus on Karen and the vibrant, beautiful woman she is. And I'd like to focus on how many people love Karen starting with your mother and sons, and yes, your father, even though you find it hard to believe. I'm sure he loves you very much. Then there's your grandchildren, sister and brother-in-law and all the rest of your family. They may not understand how to relate to you sometimes, but that doesn't mean that they don't love you. It's the same with your friends. Those fine sons and grandchildren of yours wouldn't even exist if you hadn't been born. Give it a real good Jimmy Stewart--It's A Wonderful Life consideration.

If I remember correctly, Jimmy Stewart got into big trouble in Wonderful Life when he had money problems. What's strange was that he'd struggled financially all his life, but it wasn't until the end that he got truly desperate. He'd always been self-reliant and the one to help everyone else in the town. He simply didn't know how to ask for help when he needed it most. I'm pretty much in the same boat today and was down on myself bad for a long time because of it. But I'm learning to roll with the punches. Some days are better than others, but I refuse to give up hope. Don't you give up.

I understand how tough it is for you to live with your parents at this stage of your life. After all, you're a grown woman, not a child, but you're still their little girl no matter how old you are...just like your sons will always be your baby boys. And I'm sorry to hear that there is so much animosity between you and your father. Do you think you will ever be able to bridge the gulf and forgive him for what he's done to you and your mother? Forgiving him is most likely the first step to getting rid of the rage.

I have some stuff that I've been dealing with off and on for years. It will come up and I'll forgive the person and go on about my life for awhile just fine and then all of a sudden it will come up again and I'll find myself having to forgive them all over. But I try to do it every time so that I don't wind up becoming angry and bitter. I really struggled with this in my marriage because he is also BPD and toward the end I didn't have time to get over the last thing before he did the next. In fact, I'm still working on it. I also have a track record of having the most difficulty forgiving myself, but I'm getting better at it all with practice.

I have to go back to your father loving you. Do you know why I know he does even though he has trouble expressing it and you all fight a lot? It's because you're there with him. You're 52 years old and you live in his house. Get it? He loves you!

Thank goodness, we're not living totally parrallel lives. The last conversation I had with my father was when I was 27 years old. I called to wish him a happy birthday and tell him I'd forgiven him for a really crappy thing he'd done to my sib and me. His last words to me were, "Thank you, that's very nice of you to wish me happy birthday, but let's let this be the last time you call."

He hadn't been a part of my life since I was six years old and had only re-established contact a few months earlier with the premise of wanting to have a relationship. He then used everything he could behind our backs against my sib and me to get us disinherited by our aunt in those last few months of her life, twisting everything we said and telling her who knows what. She had no children other than us and he hadn't been around for twenty plus years until then. She had always promised me her grand piano and the time before the birthday call, just after her death I'd called to tell him that and that I would buy it from him. All he had to do was name his price. He said he'd call me back, but I never heard from him and I have no idea where the piano went. He hasn't been a part of our lives at all since my birthday call to him, but he got his wish. He missed seeing us grow up and then his grandsons grow into fine men and now he's missing out on his great-grandchildren. He'll die with his money and no one to mourn him. Too bad he can't take it with him.

By the way, I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I'm normally on here everyday. But I had an all day thing with my heart on Thursday -- tests and what have you-- and then spent Friday working on my divorce stuff. Fun eh?

I don't mean to sound flippant, but look at it all this way: When you're this far down, the only logical way to go is up. Well, at least that's how I'm choosing to look at it.

I'm becoming very big on making choices - positive choices that is, for my present and future. I've decided that I want to beat this thing called BPD or at least learn how to control and live with it in a healthy way so that it doesn't control me and my life anymore. I'm working very hard on recognizing 1- my bad behaviors, 2- my triggers that set off those bad behaviors, and 3- how to step back from those situations/triggers before I go into BPD-land.

BPD is like cancer: it destroys your life for no apparent reason until you know it's there. Once you know it's there, you can fight it. It takes patience, knowledge and determination. We must learn to be patient with ourselves and our treatment; we must know ourselves, our disease, our propensities in the midst of the disease and how to overcome those propensities; and we must be absolutely determined to win.

By the way, regardless of whether or not you get a group going at church, try getting involved in a recovery program and see if it doesn't help relieve some of your stress. They've kept me very grounded between sessions with my shrink. I also love coming here to chat and reading everything I can get my hands on to become more informed about BPD and mental illness in general and how to deal. Isn't it kid's TV that says: Knowledge is Power? Whatever... it's true.

Love ya, Karen

Houston