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Old 01-15-2008, 08:48 AM   #1
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I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

I can honestly admit that from a very young age, up until I was nearly 30, I was most definately borderline. I know all the signs: I needed tons of attention, picked fights, caused drama (and relished it to an extent), hurt loved ones, ran of friends and men, abused substances, it was pretty bad. It nearly cost me my marriage and it did cost me alot of relationships. I did some bad things, and told alot of untruths.

I did not go to therapy or seek outside help. When I managed to hang on to my marriage (by a thread) I started really looking at myself. I never really admitted to being wrong in my life, I was the victim. I really started looking at what kind of person I was, and how that affected those around me. I don't think I ever cared before about how I affected others. Too wrapped up in my own crap. It was a very difficult process. The first year, I felt terrible. Like a bad person. Like someone everyone should dislike. I was unhappy with the revalation that I was this way.

the next year, I started seeing what I needed to do to be better. I started doing it. Everything improved. I made friends, my marriage is on track, my kids are happy, my family is thrilled. I feel like I know myself better and am more in tune with what is right and what is wrong. I put myself in other people's shoes. I empathize more, instead of gettin angry. I know that the world does not revolve around me. I make decisions based on what is right, not what is best for me.

I don't want to go into detail about all the crazy, bad things I did but I was pretty awful, the majority of the time. I don't know if it's age or what but I am not that person anymore, and haven't been for quite a while. I'm in my thirties, and I see life as a big picture instead of just me, and being in the moment. I am the person I always wanted to be. For the first time, I am liked, and I feel good about the person that I am. I wish I could really spell this out, it would take forever. It was a long process, and I can't find the words...

I consistently get better it seems. I always stay honest with myself about the things I do and how they affect others. I face myself and my actions head on. before I hid from the guilt-decided I was always right. The only downside is recalling the mistakes I have made, and seeing so clearly how badly I screwed up.But I know that the fact that I see the truth now will help me to move forward, and make peace with all the trouble I caused. Do people do this? I know a therapist (don't tell her abut any of this) and she said some people outgrow borderline. I used to be pretty miserable, I've been genuinely happy for a couple of years now. I have seen such a change in how people treat me-I never really used to be liked and now I easily make and keep friends. I don't know. I could go on forever. I dont' talk abou tthis to anyone but wanted to share.

 
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Old 01-15-2008, 11:13 AM   #2
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Hi Hilary, congrats on all your progress. My opinion is that you didn't really outgrow it, you worked through all this. Sounds like you became very self-aware and did a lot of hard work. On second thought, though, you did grow! but when people hear "I outgrew it" they'll think more of not doing any work to grow.

Last edited by Sannah; 01-15-2008 at 11:14 AM.

 
Old 01-15-2008, 01:41 PM   #3
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

It's just that the work was all internal. NO therapist, no meds-it's just wierd that I started to see things so differently. I do contribute some of that to age. Life experiences are great for offering perspective.

 
Old 01-15-2008, 04:08 PM   #4
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Hi Hillary,

I'd love to hear more about your journey, or growth, whatever you call it. I've been approaching it as a process that we are all capable of through awareness of our disease, our propensities in the disease and learning how to step-back from our triggers. In other words, learning coping skills. Becoming more aware of others and our affect on them sounds like a great focal point in recovery, too. Although, it needs to be a healthy focus and awareness.

I am self-diagnosed. I am seeing a therapist currently, but she has not diagnosed the BPD and is only just now (perhaps) coming around to believe it. I have been working alone and on the boards here for a short time since my self-diagnosis to find recovery.

Diagnosis was fairly easy as all of the parts fit from early adolesence and I was married to a BPD person who refuses to get help or acknowledge he has a problem. Recovery is a bit more dicey although I have put together several fairly sound theories and practices that seem to be helping.

I'd love to hear everything you can tell me as a success story. You know what they say: Knowledge is power! The more I know, the better I can fight this thing and others who read this can learn, too.

Till then

Houston

 
Old 01-15-2008, 06:25 PM   #5
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Hi Hillary.....

My Mom was an alcoholic....when my nephew was born, my sister told my Mom...."you get drunk, just once, and you'll never see your grandson". Mom gave up drinking...just like that.

It sounds to me like your marriage was the driving force behind your self recovery. You are a very smart woman to realize that you were causing problems (not 100%..never 100% in marriage), took responsibility for what you were doing ( this is incredibly brave) and decided to change it....(incredibly difficult)

Everyone that takes on this monumental task, should be very proud of the accomplishment...it's not easy.

I too am stable......finally.

Lil

 
Old 01-16-2008, 10:46 AM   #6
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

I wish I could just post a step-by-step guide but for me things just clicked, and then they kept on clicking and here I am. It's wierd, I will remember something I used to do that I thought I COULD do at the time, realize how terrible of me it was, and feel guilty. I can't even relate to how I was.

I've shifted so much in my thinking that I dont' think it will ever be possible for me to regress. I can remember being age 11 and 12 and showing signs of being borderline. I got mad at my mom and went into the bathroom and bruised my face with a shampoo bottle. Dating for me was always a disaster, I had a horrible totally overly involved relationship with my first real boyfriend and I literally tortured the guy. I was nuts.

Having kids helped but my relationship with men was still screwy. I was a classic case of I hate you don't leave me with my husband. I fought with him constantly but clung to him as well. I was a psycho. Everything was his fault and I was always angry about something. It's funny, I'm so not like that anymore, never discussed it with hubby but often wonder if he thinks he hit the jackpot with the "me" he has now. He's very happy. He taught me that I would continue to run off everyone and that I can't get away with being the way I was.

I wish I could put into words how this all happened. It just was a long slow process that I have come to the end of and I can't just sum it all up and help you. I wish I could. I think I just over time saw things in a new light and started eventually reacting in a whole new way to life.

 
Old 01-18-2008, 07:15 AM   #7
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillaryb View Post
It's just that the work was all internal. NO therapist, no meds-it's just wierd that I started to see things so differently. I do contribute some of that to age. Life experiences are great for offering perspective.
Hi Hillary, anyone who gets better does the internal work. I agree, gaining life experience does help but I can show you many people who get older and do not get better! Maybe being with your husband did help a lot. I know my husband did. It is helpful when you can be around someone normal. You really learn a lot (if only we could have been around someone normal when we were growing up!).

 
Old 01-18-2008, 07:23 AM   #8
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Hi Hillary

Thanks for the reply. If I'm hearing you correctly, it sounds like your hubby was a big help and probably should be "sainted" or something for the early years? But it sounds like he was very patient with your ups and downs and neediness and gently held up the mirror for you to see yourself.

It's truly awesome that he could do that for you and that you were at a place to be so receptive. That is really the key factor in getting well or back to normal or level or whatever you want to call it--being receptive, wanting to get well, recognizing you have a problem and wanting to do something about it, and actively going after that wellness, levelness, normalcy. That's the key factor in getting well in any disease; the determination of the patient to be actively and proactively involved in getting well and it often starts by admitting there is a problem.

I had a friend who was in denial that she had a problem for several years. She knew she had something that needed to be looked at, but kept putting it off. Then she become pregnant again and refused to have it looked at until the baby had been weaned. By the time she finally went to the doctor and had this little spot looked at, it had become Stage IV Melanoma. We burried her a few days after her youngest daughter turned 17 months old. She left a husband and three small children at the young age of 35.

She's the main reason that I don't bury my head in the sand when I see a problem anymore. I want to excise it as quickly as possible and protect life for everyone around. I've spent far too many years with BPD wrecking my life and hurting others around me in some form or another. I don't want to do this anymore and the sooner I get well and put me back together, the better for everyone.

I understand that it's a process. Being BPD, I tend to want it NOW.

Take care.

Houston

 
Old 01-18-2008, 10:35 AM   #9
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

I like that term "wrecking my life" because that is exactly what you do when you display BP tendencies. I don't know if my husband should be sainted, he has his own issues but he did put up with alot. Not that I was all terrible-he wouldn't have married me if there were no redeeming qualities. When I was younger, I had a male friend of mine tell me he used to want to date me but after getting to know me, he was glad he didn't. Said I had "issues". Man, was he right! Funny you should talk about your friend with melanoma-I had cancer as a teenager. I dont think it made me bp as I had those tendencies in the first place, but it sure excaborated things-ALOT!

 
Old 01-19-2008, 11:24 AM   #10
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Hi Hillary,

Yes, well, cancer can try the patience of saints... It only made my friend and my mom more loveable and loving though. I guess it depends on the person and how their made.

I have all this arthritis and auto-immune junk I deal with - chronic pain - on top of the BPD. I don't always manage sainthood or even civility. There are times I just like to roll up the walkway and stay in and away from people..like today and yesterday. Rainy weather and cold fronts are a nasty combo.

I don't know if pain worsens my BPD tendencies, but I suppose it can make me less careful of my opinions, attitudes, perceptions and actions, so yes, I guess it can. Perhaps that's another good reason why my marriage to my BPD almost-ex went flaming into the drink so quickly after my accident, not to mention that my 80-hour work weeks and traveling immediately dried up leaving me at home with him 24/7.

Prior to that we had a few hours on the weekend and a couple of vacations a year, if I managed to break away. I tried to keep it to one week a year like a cruise...something big enough I could get lost and away from him if I needed to...and a long weekend. We never went anywhere or did anything that went completely smoothely or to his liking. I always either started or ended up on his pitard.

Sorry to bring all that business up. Glad you made it through your cancer fight and are still here to tell the tale.

Houston

 
Old 01-19-2008, 02:25 PM   #11
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

i'm sorry for your pain. I know it stinks. I have a crappy immune system after the whole cancer thing, and deal with some chronic issues from mono (epstein-barr) . Nothing too bad though. Just feel fluey, achey, and very tired alot. But I appreciate my good days alot. I sometimes feel very bad, sometimes OK and it can get you down but it's better than the alternative. I find that I handle it quite well now that my mental health is good. I'm having a "down" week. Sometimes I think I need to go to an oncologist just because I feel so unwell, i haven't had any cancer follow up in ten years. I lost 5 lbs this week, and i didn't have it to lose. But I am probably just a little worried for nothing. I'm 17 years cancer free now. I have 2 daughters. I can't believe I have been given the opportunity to be a mom when i did not know if i would ever grow up.

 
Old 01-20-2008, 12:39 PM   #12
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Hillary,

That's awesome about your children. I also have recurrent Epstein Barr. My doctor has tied it into her dx of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. The Fibro causes me to lose weight like crazy when I flare. I can drop 5 lbs. in a day or two during a bad flare. When I first contracted them, before the dx, I dropped from almost 170 down to 128. I do good now to maintain 135 and I'm almost 6 feet tall. The lower weight does help a little with my low back, but I don't like to get so thin that I faint.

Sorry UR having a down week. Read my last reply to Karen on "Houston and all... my life" here in the personality disorder board. I'd repeat, but I'm having a super low energy day and I do want to share with you. Hope you understand and think you will if you read it.

Anyway, maybe it's not cancer, but rather than worry don't you think you should get checked out? It could be something like anemia...an easy fix.

Take care and stay in touch.

Houston

 
Old 01-20-2008, 04:32 PM   #13
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

You know, it was really hard to come here and post this thread. I have never, ever told a soul that I know I am (or was, or am beating) borderline. Not my husband, not my friends, not my parents-noone. I know that most people would say you need to run away from a person in your life if they are borderline. And yes, we are hard to deal with and can be draining and toxic. i have heard people I am close to talk about that very thing, and it hurts to think that i am one of those people that a person's first inclination is to run from.

I remember times in the past when I was not liked. Sometimes it was at work or school, sometimes it was college roomates (I was a terrible roommate) sometimes it was neighbors. Back then I did not understand why people didn't like me. I didn't think about how selfish and draining and inconsiderate and socially inept I could be. I just thought I was unlikeable. THere is something liberating about knowing that my behaviors caused me to be unliked, because I could fix that. It wasn't out of my control. It didn't have to do with how I looked or some mysterious "thing" that turned people off. It had to do with things that I did. I can fix that!

Anyway, I will probably never have this kind of conversation in the real world. I have a few years of "normal" life under my belt now and it's nice to be viewed as an ok person, NOT that girl that people avoid. But I did want to have this conversation with someone. I had butterflies in my stomach when i posted this thread. A couple of years back, when I was venting about my failing marriage, a person on a forum told me I had issues and needed serious help. They of course said this rudely and I was mad, but I also knew what they were talking about.

Once again, sorry for the novel here.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 08:58 AM   #14
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Re: I think I "outgrew" borderline personality disorder!

Hillary,

Not a problem...the length, that is. You obviously have not been reading my threads.

I think it's great that you're out here sharing no matter what time of life or healing it is for you. No one understands a BPD better than someone who's been there or is there.

I think we can all relate to people avoiding us, being bad roommates, loosing friends, etc., going through really intense relationships and wondering if it's the way we look. My goodness, I was a fashion model and I wondered if it was the way I looked!!!! Guys were always after me until they got to know me. Duh!!!

Glad you're here.

Houston

 
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