bluefinch

Hello Dysphoric,

I want you to know I feel just the same as you do. Your post could have been written by me. I could hardly believe it when I saw it.

I first began to feel this way a few years ago, about 2004. I would come home from my part-time job at the end of the week and collapse onto my sofabed. All the following day I would lie there under the blankets, drifting into and out of sleep, sometimes watching the television then drifting off to sleep again. Often I didn't even want to eat. I would only stir myself to go to the bathroom. This happened for several weekends.

Then I had a car accident, and spent months in hospital. I went into a state of euphoria, because I was thrust from a lonely existence into a bustling ward where I was surrounded by people. If I wanted to talk, I only had to call a nurse, or ask to see the hospital chaplain. I'm not a religious person, but it helped to talk to someone with some kind of spiritual outlook.

Oddly enough (considering the title of your post), I am now in a nursing home, as I am tetraplegic as a result of the accident. I had started to look forward, with thoughts of finding a girlfriend, and getting my own flat. But then, inexplicably, the feeling of wanting to withdraw from life came back. Now all I want to do is lie on my bed and vegetate. This is not as easy to do in a nursing home as one might think, because I am continually being encouraged to better my situation, become more independent, because of my stated aim to get my own flat. But every so often I lapse into a state of - well, of withdrawal. I melt into my bed and pull the bedclothes over my head, my mind disappearing into a depressive sleep. This can last all day. And I don't eat. (Another term I have used for this is 'going into hibernation').

Like you, I have no interest in the rest of my life. I don't even want to find a girlfriend, as that would prevent me from withdrawing from life. And I have no desire for a social life. But I don't want to die. And like you, I used to be 'high functioning', an energetic and dynamic person. I had my own small business, which I ran while I looked after my mother before she died. I was very much a social animal, I used to invite relatives and friends around for home entertaining.

Another aspect of this is that, coupled with this feeling of withdrawal is a feeling of a loss of identity, of not knowing who I really am; a loss of certainty about the person I really am. And I have never felt like that before, in all my 45 years. I have always been a strong-minded individual, with a very strong sense of the kind of person I am. I really don't understand why this should change now. I have read that this can be a symptom of borderline personality disorder, though I'm sure I don't have that. There are too many other symptoms which go with that which I don't have.

I wish you had written more. I would like to know more about how you are feeling, and when these feelings started, and if you have any idea about why they started. Do you have any of the other feelings I've described?

If you are still reading these posts, I hope you will write a reply.

With very best wishes,

Bluefinch.