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Old 02-05-2008, 08:15 PM   #1
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karen51 HB User
Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

This is the third or fourth time I have tried to return to a career that I felt/feel burned out on and now having big time symptoms of stress. I was much happier before I started back. It has been 9 months since my last try. The first three times all landed me in a hospital due to feeling like a failure for not being able to handle it.

I have made great strides since then and I already feel myself headed in the overly stressed condition after one week. I do not know if is the drastic schedule change, my fairly severe iron defiency anemia, or I just plain old hate the profession. I think it is a combination but mostly the latter. I hate the attitudes, the conditions and the high level of liability it comes with. Plus with a salary way less worth all this trouble.

I have racked my brain for years to come up with some other job, training or whatever to change to without any luck. I do not think that I want to be dependent on someone else forever.

I called in sick today and I still feel pretty rotten. Physically and mentally exhausted...already!!!

Being the perfect example of a BPD, what does this mean?

One therapist told me I was burnt out on not only my career, but life in general. I agreed with him at the time, but not now. I just want a new, meaningful job. Something I can be proud of, without having to worry about litigation. And something I like!!

If anyone wants to answer this in the next few hours, I am trying to decide whether to go back in the morning. I feel like I need one more day of mental health refreshment.

Miss H, I just am feeling desperate, I bet you are out voting somewhere..ha ha.

I do desperately need your thoughts seriously, anyone.


karen51

 
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Old 02-05-2008, 09:08 PM   #2
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Pri Lily HB User
Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

Quote:
This is the third or fourth time I have tried to return to a career that I felt/feel burned out on and now having big time symptoms of stress. I was much happier before I started back. It has been 9 months since my last try. The first three times all landed me in a hospital due to feeling like a failure for not being able to handle it.
Hi Karen.....

You could handle the job...it was the feeling like a failure that was the problem. Your self confidence is not up to par at the moment, especially with the circumstances you're living with.

You are putting yourself under an enormous amount of pressure...I'm not pointing a finger at you....all BPD's do it. We exhaust ourselves, by expecting to be perfect all the time....and that's impossible. I'm sure your physical complaints aren't helping matters any.

This is going to sound impossible...( and sometimes it is) but if you could try to "pace" your energy and stamina through the day, it will help. If possible, when you find yourself becoming "intense" take a bathroom break, and catch your breath.

Just a couple of suggestions to try to get through the day....

Please let me know what happens

Lil

 
Old 02-07-2008, 12:04 PM   #3
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HurtinHouston HB User
Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

Karen:

Sorry I wasn't here yesterday. I was caught up in my own little drama getting my car worked on and trying to get the letter from my doctor that was due 3 weeks ago and was promised without fail 2 days ago. Also promised today and I have yet to see, but...

I have to agree with Lil...you are putting yourself under too much pressure. I do understand about job burnout. Believe me when I tell you that I've been there, done that and it was usually my fault. I know you are feeling the physical as well as psychological effects, but I also know that the only way to get through this is on a spiritual level.

It's not enough to just take a bathroom break when you feel your world is coming down around your ears and everyone or everything is against you; you need to refresh your spirit while you're on that break. Take the opportunity to meditate on and affirm who and what you are and what you are capable of. Write down the affirmations on index cards and keep them in your pocket so you can read them, say them and see them. Once you feel your spirit rise up within you, then you can go back to work and know that you're doing a great job.

I know you can make it through. One day at a time or one hour at a time, you can do it. Break it down however you need to make it manageable, but when you break it down into small pieces, it so much easier to take. Say to yourself, "I have this job and it is a blessing. I will go to work this morning and do the very best work I can for one hour." At the end of one hour, say, "I did a really good job! I'm going to work even better for the next hour." Continue each hour to talk to yourself and cheer yourself on to the next hour and then realize that you are doing a really good job! If you need to break it down into smaller bites, do it. If you can handle larger ones, great! There are going to be days when you may have to take it a minute or two at a time, but that's okay. Eventually, you'll have times when you can take things weeks and even months at a time. I've done this in the past and I know it works.

And if something goes wrong, don't let it spoil the whole day. Fix it if it can be fixed, apologize if you need to, but recognize that mistakes happen, we're all human and life goes on. Resolve that it won't happen again. If it wasn't you, then forgive the other person and go on, even if they didn't ask you to. Just set it aside and go on. Life is too short to wallow in the shallow end. I want to find out what's in the deep end with my new life. Join me for a swim?

Love ya, Karen

Houston

Last edited by HurtinHouston; 02-07-2008 at 12:06 PM. Reason: adding

 
Old 02-07-2008, 06:38 PM   #4
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Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

Hi Houston.....

I think you should get that last post made into a poster.

You won't have to worry about supporting yourself anymore.

Wow.....

Love ya...

Lil

 
Old 02-08-2008, 09:43 AM   #5
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karen51 HB User
Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

Hi all,

Thanks for the "pump". After I took a day off to rest, I reluctantly went back the next day and had a great day. Even got there 5 min. earlier, almost on time. I do have a lovely sore throat and cough and had planned to go on a singles retreat for church and really, really hate to miss it, but I feel like just drinking orange juice and going back to bed. Plus it will be in the cold mountains and last night my throat was really bad. So I guess I will have to reluctantly wait to go another time.

My dad made nasty comments about me being out of work Weds. and today, but I know I have to take care of myself or I won't be able to function. He is a miserable creature!!

Back to the job, which is like a Petri dish by the way, oh my gosh. I guess I have to build up my immunity. I do not get stressed out at work too much, it is just aggravation, plus the responsibility of giving the medicines. I stress out later, physically. After the bad experiences I had before, I know why I was stressing. I feel much better about it. I have not talked to the nurse manager about being out, but being that I am with the Interim place I think they don't put as much emphasis on that. I just have to do better from now on.

I really feel much better about it, I just need to learn how to handle stress better, all the way around. That is something I have not quite gotten down pat, but with my new spiritual awakening it is coming slowly.

I would say more, but I really do feel yucky, so I am going to drink my juice and lay down.

I agree Lil, great post Houston. I will get back to you later when I feel more like a human.

Love you guys,

Karen

 
Old 02-08-2008, 03:29 PM   #6
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Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

Karen,

Take care of that cold. Try some Jewish Pennicillin..chicken soup for the uninitiated....That will set you right in short order. Also you might try Airborne with that OJ. I started using it when flu season started a couple of years ago because of the suppressed immunity with the Chronic Fatigue (and Immune Difficiency Syndrome) and it has helped me kick and/or avoid most bugs. I don't tout anything that I haven't used with success.

Thanks to you and Lil both for the kuddos, but I just call 'em like I see 'em or live 'em. I gave you that spirited pep talk and found that I would need it myself later when the letter still didn't come. It finally made it late this morning and wasn't exactly what my attorney hoped for, but better late than never. It started very strong and sort of petered out at the end, but we're hoping that it will be enough to get the job done and reinstate my LTD. If not, then I have some very hard decisions to make in pretty short order...perhaps time for more character building, but I keep telling them I'm quite a character already.

Speaking of character, I'm very proud of you for pulling yourself back up by your bootstraps and getting back in there today. I've got a fresh pack of index cards laying on my coffee table if you want to borrow some. No kidding, maybe your Mom has some in her receipe box. It really does help.

Something else you might think about doing is making a picture board or a story board of what you want for your life and where you'd like to be say in a year from now. Cut pictures out of magazines of furniture and decorating ideas of living rooms, dining rooms, bedrooms, etc., and plan your apartment or house and look for a picture of the place where you want to live and put that on there. You can do it for your job, too. Then put them up in your room where you can see them everyday and affirm that these blessings are coming your way.

I'm done saying and seeing bad things in my life. I'm getting better and only good things are coming my way. Nothing and no one will harm me. My path is getting brighter and brighter. I know that my future is going to be better than my past.

I know that your future is going to be better than your past and that your path is getting brighter and brighter. I know that only good things are coming your way. I know that even when problems occur, they will be for a moment in the scheme of things because our future is assured. We're just working on getting our attitudes to line up with our futures and when we get that down, then we've got it licked. I know that BPD does not mean beaten, pummeled and destroyed...it means: BRIGHT PROMISED DAYS.

Love ya, Karen

Houston

 
Old 02-09-2008, 08:16 AM   #7
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karen51 HB User
Cool Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

I am glad your letter came. I know from my little bit of experience with attorneys and judges, it may not be exactly what you want, but it might just "do".

I love your positive and upbeat attitude. I used to have that, but living here, it takes a lot of strength to not let negativity drag me down. Yes, I am proud of myself that I went back to work and I do finally feel better about it. Who knows what the future holds at this job, but I am putting my faith in that I will be where I am supposed to be. I hope the "big boss" is not unhappy with me, that is my main concern.

My goal was to move out of here by my birthday in April, if things go as planned, hopefully I can make it happen. I just would like to sort of have a commitment from the school that they will hire me as a regular staff member. They have 3 openings, so I don't see what the problem would be. My charge nurse seems to like me. Which means a lot!

I feel selfish for not being more supportive for you, but you always sound so positive and upbeat that you do not seem to need much of a cheering section. Hoorah for you that you can be your own cheering section, I hope to get there one day. I am doing better at it, with my spiritual rebirth giving me strength and hope.

I am praying that I do not have this possible chronic illness...I hate to even mention what it is, but if I do have it, I only have myself to blame. Actually it is 2 things. I have smoked off and on, very small amounts, but my dad has chronic lung disease and I sure do not want that!!! It is possible that now that I have totally quit forever that I won't have that problem. The other one, is something that if I do have it, I will just have to live with it. I know you know what it is to live with a chronic disease!

I got up really early today and I am going to take a shower and get OUT of this house today!! It is so stuffy and stagnant in here that no wonder I have this cough and nasal congestion all the time. The old folks don't believe in opening windows. I hate that. Another thing to look forward to. Fresh air in my own house!! I can't wait!!

Take care and good luck with those legal issues..

Love,
Karen

 
Old 02-09-2008, 10:12 AM   #8
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Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

Hi Karen

I hope you enjoyed your day off and did something really fun.

When I get down, I will often go to the mall and walk around. Unfortunately, I often end up spending too much money...that's one of my BPD traits...buying stress relief...so I'm making concerted efforts to stay away from malls and tempting websites where I've shopped til my credit cards herniated in the past.

What I did the last time I shopped and spent too much was invested in something I really enjoy that would continue to give me pleasure so I don't feel tempted to go out and spend more. I have some favorite movies that I like to watch, some I can watch over and over and never get tired of. Well I found them on sale and bought four. So now when I get the blues in the evening and there's nothing else I want to do to occupy my mind, I pop one of those in.

I also have a truck load of books to read to improve my mind and philosophy and I've joined those two classes. That gets me out among the living and helps me focus on the positive. And then I have you guys here to keep me going. I value your's and Lil's friendship very much. I have other friends and my family, but they don't know me like you two do because they don't understand the BPD. I can really talk to you about how I'm feeling and what I'm trying to accomplish and you get it because you know what it's like. We can share our experiences and support each other through the cobwebby and murky days...the ones that try to tie our feet up in seaweed (usually of our own making) and pull us under.

I know that if I stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on the positive, that good things are going to happen to me because, even if something bad happens I can look at it and try to find the positive in it. My attitude is going to be positive because I'm going to remain focused on the lesson to be learned from the situation.

I should have learned some lessons earlier in life that I didn't and now I'm back in class and it's costing me more to take it again. That's how life works. We keep getting these lessons thrown at us until we learn them. I can accept that and learn the lesson this time and go on. Or I can be angry about it and become bitter and resentful and climb into my illness fully and have a big old pity party.

The last option most assuredly has me loosing my home, filing bankruptcy, and moving to a Medicare nursing home within a few months. The first option has me accepting what's already happened and trying to make the best choices to climb out of the hole I've been thrown into/dug/jumped into...it's kind of a mix.

Enough of that boring downer. Whew! I'm enjoying a quiet day. Later, I'll see if I can install my new internet service. If I get hung up, maybe I can get my son over tomorrow to help me with it. He's Mr. IT...that's his profession...information technology. He and his girlfriend are out enjoying the Chinese New Year festival today since we aren't doing the move.

Anyway, I decided to get rid of my current cable provider and switch to DSL and satalite. Too much lag time with cable when people get home and it's always going down. They say the only time I'll have trouble with satalite is during storms possibly, but I don't get good electric service during storms anyway and try not to run anything during storms to prevent surges as it is--surge protectors or not. They tell me that I won't have the lag time with this new service no matter how many people are on line. We'll see.

It could be my computer, that's probably what my son would say because he just got a new one, but I didn't have this lag before the new cable company came into Houston. It's always going out, the service sux, they want to charge for every little thing and the prices have gone through the roof. By switching I've cut my bill in half from a month ago when I add up all of my services this is covering. I think that's cool.

The only thing that stopped me from doing this sooner was my almost-ex not calling and switching this one account into my name. You see, things really are turning around in my favor! Isn't it wonderful that he's becoming so cooperative?

Well, I've rambled on long enough. Again, I hope you had a really great day!

Love ya, Karen

Houston

 
Old 02-11-2008, 06:48 PM   #9
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Cool Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

You can ramble as much as you like, this is the place to do it. Goodness knows I do my share!! Amen! What is this about you losing your home? Or is that what could happen? You lost me there.

You are lucky to have a willing IT person to help you. My brother in law is super smart and I have no idea what he is saying when I do manage to wrangle his help, he is far above just an IT guy. His job is very specialized. I don't even understand it, but he does not really deal with little old PC's if that tells you anything. Yeah, he makes the big bucks!!

It is Monday and I survived another day of work. I thought my boss might have something to say about me being out sick one day, and asking off for Friday. She has much bigger fish to fry I think. (thank goodness!). So I am safe for now. Still having trouble getting up early. I came home and woke up to a phone call at 8:45 pm. I need to work 3-11 shift, but I don't like those hours either. You cannot have a social life, if I had a chance to have one.

Then night shift kills my body. So there you go. Anyway, I truly believe I will be where I am supposed to be. I have applied for some jobs, but have not heard a word from any. The difference with me now is I don't stress over it.

It is strange having money coming in, I wish I knew I could count on it. This is just a temporary job, but they all seem to like me and I am taking sign language classes twice a week-I do love learning new things. Speaking of learning new things, if anyone has any ideas for new careers, let me know. I think I have been in my present one so long..21 years, that I feel like it is part of me. Which also brings me to the fact that if I do not take my next pay day, pay for the bugger pharmacology review class...I could be in big trouble with the licensing board, and they are ****s for real. They will catch up with me one day. Before when I tried to take it, I could not concentrate and I do have some ADD, plus stress, plus bpd was raging. I think now, I will be able to do it. They only give you 90 days to complete the course. Yucky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only redeeming factor is that I will LEARN things from it. Knowledge is power they say. When I ever do finish that, I am going to throw a party!!! Then the ****s will probably make me take more courses, not as difficult, to keep my license. Oh boy!!!

Now are you totally confused? The pressure of that course hanging over my head by itself is enough to cause someone to be depressed. Plus it costs $400. Just what I wanted to spend my money on!! Ha ha.

Well, I had my weekend of resting and quiet, getting over the cold and sore throat and at least feel better physically. I firmly believe that if you do not get enough rest, you will take much much longer to recouperate from anything. I have seen it in myself and others.

As you say, enough rambling for now. Over and out...

Have a smooth landing Houston.

Love ya,

Karen

 
Old 02-21-2008, 10:18 AM   #10
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Re: Cannot seem to handle my career anymore

WOW! did I get confused...

found my reply from the 9th though...in here...so I didn't leave you hanging...well, good. I felt really bad about that.

If it weren't for the bread crumbs around the house, I'd get lost.

My friend, the one who held my hand all weekend, is going through the change and so she's been studying holestic medicine's answers to menopause. Anyway, she said that more women have problems with wheat and gluten and sugars during the change and just before and after it than at any other time in life.

Yesterday I was watching the 700 Club and they had a school principal on the program who made her school a sugar free zone 10 years ago, got the parents on-board, and not only are the kids healthier, there is a lower incidence of behavior problems, ADD and ADHD, and their test scores went way up. My step-children were ADD & ADHD and never took any medicine. It was controlled solely by diet and they both did very well in school.

I know that you can get through those tests. Back away from the sodas and the candy; make an effort to eat really healthy food and get plenty of rest whatever your schedule is and use your down-time to study. Once you get through it, you'll feel so much better and you'll wonder why you were ever concerned.

Love ya,

Deb/Houston

 
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