Sooo, my Dad does not want me to move out. Probably because he wants my help and does not want to ask for it. Plus if I were to get into financial difficulty he would not want to bail me out. He always expects and thinks the worse.
Today he started in on me, and in no time was yelling and I was yelling back. Right this moment I do not feel strong enough to argue with him. I know I cannot reason with him. I also am skiddish about moving out with such a very limited budget. There are always unexpected expenses during moving.
Every since the argument, I have felt horrible. I went to the grocer for them, but I dragged around and I know I looked like I had lost my best friend. I don't feel like talking or eating dinner, I just want to go to sleep for a while.
I HATE that he is able to manipulate me this way. He could be supportive and actually loan me a little money and help me move. He knows that I need to for my sanity. I guess he is just selfish. I have to make a decision quickly and when I got home today, he asked me if I was planning to have my grandaughter up here for a few days!! Like he didn't know I was trying to plan a move! Also he asked if I had "settled down any". !!!!!!!!!!!! Infuriating to say the least.
My head started to really hurt after the argument, and It still feels yucky. I am going to take a nap, maybe things will look up later. Still I am not sure I have the guts to fight him, deal with the stress of moving and then start a new job. I know my limits. If I cannot get any support from anywhere, it is not looking good to me now.
If anything I need to be relaxing this week and getting ready for my job.
The bullying and manipulation are designed to make you feel exactly the way you feel.....bad.
If your Dad can't be brave enough to ask you to stay, AND TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT because he needs your help, then if it were me, I wouldn't feel guilty about going.
He's going to try to scare the crap out of you...that's his best weapon. Fear, and guilt.
This is your turning point....stay..and nothing will change...or take a risk ON YOURSELF....and go out on your own.
Modify your plan if you have to....don't stop working on it until it works.
Don't listen to the sour grapes.
Yes, I know exactly what he is doing. So why can't I not let it hit my inner core? After that I had a severe headache, which went away for a little while and then came back. I came home from the store, still not wanting to talk to anyone. I ate dinner because I have not been eating right at all hoping that would help. Not.
I just lay down in my bedroom with my aching head and slept until 10:45. I feel a little better but still nauseated. Like I said, I am not sure I can do this, with NO support from anyone at all, except of course you guys.
And also, I have to make a decision by tomorrow. So far I cannot find a suitable place. Luckily I have to go to work in the morning for a few minutes, no pay involved, but it will get me out of the house and maybe I can get my head cleared up. Right now it is fuzzy. I cannot let all this set me back.
The weird thing is to me how physically ill I feel, and I feel sure it is because of the stress. I would like to tell my dad tomorrow how wrong he is for manipulating me this way and making me feel ill, but I know that would turn out badly. I hope he feels bad as hell...if not I think I will make sure he does.
I don't feel guilty about moving out, not consciously anyway, but I cannot handle confrontation at all. Especially with him. I cannot retaliate verbally for fear of what he might do. I did mention that to him this morning when we were discussing me moving. Or rather when he was bullying me not to. I know I will not win him over, I just almost need to move out in the middle of the night or something like that. How bizarre this is turning out to be!!
Thanks for listening and the encouragement. Now I am going to take a pill and try to get back to sleep...
If they need your help that badly, then tell him to pay you for your services. And in addition to that, you want to be treated with the respect accorded to an employee...which is more than he gives to his own flesh and blood.
In return, you will perform the duties required of you as an employee.
Sound a little crazy? Crazy is as crazy does.
Will this work? Probably not, but it might knock the record player needle out of the groove it's been stuck in for so long.....just a little bit.
Sorry to report..I folded under the pressure. Yesterday I had the worst headache of my life that continued until today. Finally it is better after another very long nap. So I told my mom, during one of the few moments we get alone together, that since my dad had bullied and manipulated me into staying for now, that unfortunately my patience with him is going to be very thin.
I talked with my sister tonight briefly and told her that I was trying to move, but just in case I needed a few bucks, I would not have anyone to count on. She replied, "Well, that means you are not ready then" She and my dad think a lot alike. Financially is the only way I am not ready. It is a serious, crying shame that a few bucks is what holds me back from living in peace.
I know me, I have my limits. If things do not work out with my new job..God forbid, but I know that is a distinct possibility; I am afraid I might snap. I will be right back where I am now, with a few bucks and no where to go. I cannot live this way the rest of my life and I WILL NOT. I don't care if it means that I cannot live in this world anymore. Everyone has their limits and I have about reached mine. Especially when it comes to my dad. I am afraid that I am not going to be pleasant for him to live with and if I get stressed I will take it out on him. He may shoot me or throw me out, then where will I be?
Yes, I am disgusted. Unless by some miracle I were to find a place I could afford to move into this week by tomorrow..fat chance.
I hate this situation and my life again. I really wonder if anything is going to work out for me in this life.
Sorry, it is not for lack of encouragement here from you and Deb. I guess I am not as strong as I thought.
I am thinking about taking a little trip somewhere, maybe take my grandaughter with me. If I could think of somewhere. If I go by myself I think it will be depressing. Been there, done that.
At least I could get away for a few days, out of this house. I wish for good.