It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Personality Disorder Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-10-2008, 08:11 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 30
kari d HB User
Unhappy am i doomed for life???

sorry...just need to vent. I have a 24 year old son with BPD and i don't know how much longer i can take it. Meds and counseling don't seem to help him. It's been an ongoing struggle for years. He only lives for himself and doesn't care about anyone else (except his girlfriend). He spends every dime he makes on stuff he doesn't need. Every day there is something else he wants and he can't wait until he can save for it so out comes the credit cards. After a few days, he's broke and asking me for money to get him through til payday. He lives at home rent free. I know it's my fault too but he can't afford to pay rent or any other expenses because he's paying on so many bills. I walk on eggshells around him 24/7. I spend most of my time in my room because i don't want to be around him. This is no way to live in my own home. Everyone says "kick him out" but he'll just go to his grandmothers and it's not fair to do that to her. How do other parents deal with this?

 
Old 04-16-2008, 08:51 AM   #2
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Jacksonville, FL, USA
Posts: 4
FearCain HB User
Re: am i doomed for life???

My psychiatrist has touched on the possibility that I have borderline, and I have the same spending habits sometimes. Luckily for me, some mental tricks that can only implemented by yourself and introduced by someone that cared about me was realizing that I need to control my impulses. I am assuming these things that are being bought are video games, dvd's, technology, or computer related stuff. Somehow, you get it in your head, consciously or unconsciously, that they will make you smarter, happier, and more content, and life will be easier or better with these things. The truth of the matter the smarter you get, the more you believe in these things, you believe that happiness is one purchase away, and you will live with very ****** standards (or living with family members) to obtain all the cool gadgets but they are a crutch to an addiction.

Someone helped me realize this and not just for a few days. I am going to go out on a limb again and say that he doesn't go out too much either? If thats the case, we are two peas in a pod.

Some help:

1.) Make peace in your mind and his. You should do something as a hobby that ties you together, create a strong sense of family but do it gradually (even maybe include his girlfriend.)
2.) Get him some exercise. It helps with the roller coaster of emotions that come with it. Get him to want to better his health to maintain it as a hobby.
3.) Dieting - avoid caffeine, avoid cholesterol based foods, and avoid staying up all night.
4.) Routine - Make Routines that make chores and hobbies much easier to complete JUST DO THEM!
5.) IF Ambition and Motivation don't exist try and get him to see that, and help him realize that is NOT normal for him to be apathetic.
6.) Destroy his lifestyle NOW! Letting it go on forever is pointless and he won't change on his own. It is his way of calling out for help.
7.) Don't abandon him, it doesn't help.
8.) Get him to stop his addiction for a while and see if he is just as miserable. THIS IS GOOD EVEN IF HE IS TILL MISERABLE, he will begin to see that buying anything won't save him.
9.) Remind him that he will die one day. Its cold, it hurts, and it sucks to think about it, just remind him that one day it will be too late to START his life.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-16-2008, 10:28 AM   #3
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 174
karen51 HB User
Re: am i doomed for life???

Quote:
Originally Posted by kari d View Post
sorry...just need to vent. I have a 24 year old son with BPD and i don't know how much longer i can take it. Meds and counseling don't seem to help him. It's been an ongoing struggle for years. He only lives for himself and doesn't care about anyone else (except his girlfriend). He spends every dime he makes on stuff he doesn't need. Every day there is something else he wants and he can't wait until he can save for it so out comes the credit cards. After a few days, he's broke and asking me for money to get him through til payday. He lives at home rent free. I know it's my fault too but he can't afford to pay rent or any other expenses because he's paying on so many bills. I walk on eggshells around him 24/7. I spend most of my time in my room because i don't want to be around him. This is no way to live in my own home. Everyone says "kick him out" but he'll just go to his grandmothers and it's not fair to do that to her. How do other parents deal with this?
#1 GET THIS BOOK..."STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS". It is for family and people with BPD.

I am a person with bpd, I tested out as a perfect example, except more severe at one time. I am now, after working on it diligently and WANTING to change, I function at a pretty high level. I am now taking care of things way more responsibly and yet emotionally have my bad days and good days.

Do not enable him in his lifestyle. My thought when I read your post was that he probably feels that making his girlfriend happy is going to make him happy. Wrong, but possibly she can some to a certain extent. That is co-dependency. I am guilty of shopping to make me happy. My dad refused to give me money to play with and that is where it gets difficult. I would get angry.

The main thing to understand is that you or no one else can "fix" him. He has to want to seek help and work at getting better. A social worker once told my dad to make me get a job and get out of his house in 2 months. I am still here at his house, but now finally have found a job that I think is going to work out. It is baby steps for me.

I lost everything, I basically had a meltdown. I am a young 53 and everything at 50 seemed to blow up in my face. I lost everything, my job, my apartment and new car. I over spent, over partyed and was into destructive behaviors towards myself. It took about 2 years for me to get back to somewhat normal, but I am not the same. I am very sensitive, tend to over value or de-value things or people in my life. I also lost all my "friends". I am telling you this to help you understand what our lives are like.

Any set back is devastating to me. However, like I said, the major thing is seek help for yourself by maybe going to a support group, reading books and above all, keep your sanity and maybe you might have to distance yourself from him. My sis did that to me for a few months, it hurt me, but she had to do it to protect herself. She and I have a rocky relationship a lot.

I do wish you the best and hope I have given you some insight into BPD. Try very hard not to enable him and preserve your own peace of mind.

Has he ever been in the hospital? I had a personality test once that confirmed me to be definitely bpd. That was helpful to me.

Best of luck

karen 51

 
Old 04-16-2008, 03:57 PM   #4
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Clemson, SC, USA
Posts: 98
wangela67 HB User
Re: am i doomed for life???

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles with your son. He sounds very selfish right now and unfortunately, a lot of kids are until they get out on their own and have to live in the real world. I think if he lives in your house he should get a job and be made to pay rent. Also, I would refuse to give him money. He is going to continue to act this way as long you enable his behavior. He really needs some tough love right now. If he can't follow your rules then you need to ask him to leave. I would inform the grandmother that you are asking him to leave and that she should not let him live with her. If she refuse and lets him live with her that is not your problem. You need to take care of yourself and it sounds like your son does not care about your health or sanity. Are there any male figures in your family that could talk with him and help you? It You ought to consider talking with a mental health professional about this situation.

By the way, I know a year ago you started taking Wellbutrin with Lexapro. Are you still taking the Wellbutrin? I was thinking about trying it because I have the same issues with weight gain taking Paxil. Let me know.

Good luck with dealing with your son.

 
Old 04-21-2008, 05:48 PM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 30
kari d HB User
Re: am i doomed for life???

Thanks to everyone who replied. Yes, i read the book "walking on eggshells"...i could have written it because thats what i do all day...walk on eggshells so as not to upset my son. I have also read just about every book written on BPD. And yes, my son has a job, he works nights and sleeps most of the day but he still spends all his money, and not just on small things like video games and movies...we're talking big stuff too like dirtbikes, motorcycles, pool tables, guitars, guns, etc. After a few days of buying something, the high wears off and sometimes he realizes he shouldnt have bought it. And yes, I am taking lexapro but not with wellbutrin. The wellbutrin made me sick which was good for weight loss but the lexapro has made me gain alot. Bless you all!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
yeah, i am doomed. tulum Anxiety 2 01-10-2010 08:38 AM
Doomed to a C-section? And are they really ďno big dealĒ? uma_anne Pregnancy 24 07-21-2007 05:43 PM
I'm doomed Therag Depression 1 03-19-2007 11:13 PM
2 dif Docs, 2 Endoscopies & 2 Colonscopies later...Nobody knows..Am I doomed 4ever?!? Josh_B Digestive Disorders 4 09-02-2006 05:44 PM
totally miserable and doomed tired and angry Eating Disorder Recovery 6 06-16-2005 11:52 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



8800GTS (2), Leegh (2), ivy2002 (1), Dantheinsane (1), interum (1), Vocrinthedes (1), Iron76 (1), linc (1), workingthru (1), ladybud (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (905), Titchou (848), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (754), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:41 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!