today i am nervous,scared and would rather turn and run away,today i have a comprehensive assessment at the specialist service at the junction.i did have a small assesment bout 3 weeks and i was not feeling to good that day as i had to go to the crisis team at the hospital in the end,as i had such a strong urge to cut myself,and i do hate feeling that,because i know that self harming is not good,here is the big but it makes me feel better,it takes me away from what i'm feeling,it sort of makes me feel at ease,but then you have to deal with what you done,which is awful as well.sometimes it feels like i am in a catch 22 and its unfair.i didn't ask for this pd and i would not wish this on my worst enenmy.
I decided 4 years ago i was going to tackle to see what was the matter with me,i knew deep down that there was something wrong with me,but did not know what.at first for the way that i was,i thought it was normal for the life that was giving me,till i started to talk and realised no it was not right for the terrible child hood that i had,or the abuse over the years. i know now that my past is my past,thats gone and i can't change that.what made me realise was i heard a saying on the tv "they have taken your past from you,don't let them take your future", and i am so determite that i will suceed in doing that.
I want a future
well anyway today i will be discussing my future but(the big but again),i've got to learn to trust again with the people who want to help me,i don't know them and i'm going to discuss my past,my feelings,thoughts,and because they have been in my head there mine,and because i can get paranoid in case nobody believes me.for years i was sendt home from the doctors with pills in hand,you have depression,take the pills and you will be okay in a few weeks,keep coming back just to let me know how you are doing and do you feel suicidal.to me that is not good enough,if someone had noticed or thought hey this person has a problem we need to help them before it gets any worse,then maybe i would not be in this position now.
:\COLOR="Indigo"]Hi sonic08, I hear you! I too knew deep down that something was very wrong, I felt terrible, poor boundaries, low self esteem, poor emotional regulation, anxiety, depression, scary thoughts, despair, unworthty, unloved, unlovable, phoney, hollow, and insignificant.
You name it, and I've probably felt it.
So I do understand the emotional and feeling part of BPD really well, but fortunatley the [I]"powers that be"[/I] (whom ever they are . . . . lol) saw fit to hold me back from this precipice, but I've had plenty of meltdowns and career interuptions.
But, getting back to your thoughts to cut, I hear you, really I do. I understand this unbelievable psychological pain and despair that grabs hold of you, mind body and soul, and it will not let go, no matter how much you practice CBT and positive self talk.
It seems to me that the PB is bigger and more robust than anything in the psychology armory, and very resistant to modification. I think this is because the basic belief system of people ultimaltely unchangeable, if you think in a particular way, then it may me amenable to minor superficial modification, but your basic belief system about yourself and your place in the world is a very difficult thing to change, if at all!
My belief is that it can not be changed. I believe this, not because I do not want to change. I do so desperatley want to genuinely belong somewhere, a feeling of home and safety has eluded me my whole life and I do not think I will ever truly feel genuinely unconditionally wanted, nurtured, loved, respected and needed. But I do keep looking and hoping for this my whole life!
Like you, I too had a very disruptive and abusive early childhood. My teenage years were a complete disaster, which my family still take great pleasure in reminding me of this some 30+ years later. (I'm currently 47 years old)
Now, you'd think at 47 years old, 4 kids, long marriage, stable home, professional, that I'd have it all sorted out by now. But no, I'm still getting into a mess when things go badly for me, and spiralling downward into a dark abyss without any prospect for self recovery. So what else can I do but I reach out to people I barely know let alone even trust such as my 'lady shrink', and try and ask all the right questions hoping she will be able to help me in some way.
Fortunatley she did help over the past few weeks when I started to go downhill again, she changed the medication, kept a close watch on side effects (I'm particullary sensitive to these), and is making suggestions for further tests such as fMRI, etc.
It is good to have an onging working relationship with at least one prescriber, so that when difficulties arise, you can go to their offfice in total meltdown, and know that whilst you may not be able to describe how you're feeling, the medical professional will know you personally, know about your condition, and be able to witness your distress without judgement. This is the good part of a working relationship with a medical prescriber.
The bad Part: The medical specialist gets fixated on a specific diagnosis, and will not consider new or omitted information that may alter thier view. Any new info just seems to serve to validate the original diagnosis. Ohh well, I'm babling again, sorry. . . . . .
My point is this. Even though you and I do not trust these 'doctors and psychologists', feeling that they are serving their own agendas and interests for peer status and recognition, before they reduce our suffering - my feeling is that we and I am left with little choice but to trial their suggestions, try the medication, try counselling just a little bit at a time, don't give all your background in the first session, get to know the counsellor and more importantly, let the consellor get to know you slowly slowly, who you are, what you believe, what are your concerns, how you're feeling, and to take your time to build a trusting rapport over time actually takes time too. So don't expect to achieve this on day one - OK.
OK, all that said, I found this quote and it kind of helps in trying to get things into perspective (which is of course in very short supply when you're on a downhill slide) - I hope it helps:-
“people may not have caused all their own problems but they have to solve them anyway” (Linehan, 1993.p.107)
Please try and see those doctors and counsellors at the health service with an open mind and a willingness to try their suggetions even if you hate it and them too, you have nothing to loose, but a few hours of your time, and hopfully something to gain if you are lucky to find a few truly good medics.
Good luck to you, and please keep me up to date with your condition - I do truly inderstand the despair and pain too - I just hide under my doona, and have yet another 'doona day' - totally unable to function, but just cry unstoppable tears of utter despair for days on end . . . . . miserable? yes . . . But new medication allows me to function and work P/T, look after family, home etc. It doesn't mean I'm cured, but I can function, and know that when the downhill spiral begins, I reluctantly have a place I can go and get help - 'the lady shrink' even though I do not trust her, I feel no other option is open to me, except to take matters into my own hands. (Not a good idea at all)