09-16-2008, 12:46 PM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Long Island, NY
New to the group - I just got diagnosed with BPD
I want to start off by saying how wonderful you all are, and that I thank God for this chat site. My name is Karen and have been battling with depression since I was a child, and now I just got diagnosed with BPD. I am thankful in one aspect that I finally know what is wrong with me but I am so scared, and have been living through hell, and I am now putting my boyfriend through hell as well. He is loving and so supportive, but, by the same token, is angry and frustrated by my outbursts/episodes. When he would flirt, and make comments in the past about pretty women (I know, a lot of men, and women, do this), however, I keep thinking he doesn't love me, doesn't think I am pretty enough for him, not good enough sexually, and that he would rather be with someone different. He assures me over and over, that he loves me, he doesn't want anyone else, that I am pretty, sexy, etc and that he isn't going anywhere. He has said that he feels that I have been pushing him away, because what he says hasn't been sinking in, I just have these dark images constantly in my head, of him cheating, desiring someone else, being intimite with someone else, and he is getting frustrated at me (rightfully so). I am even ashamed to be out in public, because even when I am alone and a pretty girl is around, these thoughts of 'if he saw her, he would rather be with her'. I hate living like this, and I am getting help. How long does it take to get better?
I go to a psychologist once a week, and my boyfriend went with me last week, and the therapist saw how I was acting, and told me to imagine a stop sign when I get these thoughts, and back off from constantly asking my b/f these things.
I also went to a psychiatrist, and he diagnosed me with the BPD, and wants to start me on 5 mg of Abilify and Pristiq (50 mg), then eventually wants to add Lithium on top. I have taken meds in the past (prozac, wellbutrin, lexapro, zoloft, cimbalta), but I haven't been on anything for almost 2 years. Now my episodes started back up around springnof this year. I am so scared of ever losing him, and pushing him away. How do I learn to trust, and hear his words?
He has been reading alot on this disorder with me, and although he tries to understand, it is hard for him. Now I feel that he wants to distance himself. But I love him, and I want to make him happy again. I feel so guilty and horrible.
How do I not do this behavior? Also, do I have to go onto Meds again? The dr. said I will have to be on them for a long time, maybe life?
Last edited by Karenv513; 09-16-2008 at 04:07 PM.
09-17-2008, 01:39 AM
Senior Member (female)
Join Date: Sep 2007
| | Re: New to the group - I just got diagnosed with BPD
First of all Karenv513, Welcome to the boards!
Your BPD story so far is very interesting. You've started on the path by recognising there is a problem, have accepted some responsibility for wanting to help your condition, and have a genuine willingness to want to explore and connect with others to find out what treatments or support might be helpful for you.
Well Done! Accepting there is a problem can be quite confronting. Some days you may feel totally unhinged and unstable, other days may be more normal and calm and you're wondering what all the fuss is about because you "feel just fine, thank-you for asking." . . . . . .lol.
I feel the need to urge you to start reading about this condition, read, research, read and more research, and then more reading. Try and stay close to the well researched academic and medicallly reviewed or co-authored literature post 1990>. Anything earlier than 1990 can be a bit stigmatising and well there's no other way to say it but - "bloody horrible".
Be sceptical about the web BPD info too, some of it is just pure trash such as one 'Shari Schreiber' who has a page or two of complete and utter negative BPD propaganda aimed at frightening emotionally crippled pubescent adult males into seeking Shari's counsell to help fragile men manage in their "relationship problems with BPD women'- Oh please?!
If I could get my hands on her, I'd giver her a very serious talking to - truly I would. Hopfully others will use their intelligence when reviewing Shari's writing and see it for what it is - a blatant advertisement for fearful mysoginistic men/
I was originally diagnosed in 2006, when enduring yet another bout of crippling depression and anxiety sought out a 'lady shrink'. I attended a couple of appointments and never went back, . . . . . . . until . . .. . . . now. Then in 2007 I had a bit of a meltdown - just awful - as you're likely aware of how horrible these overwhellming feelings are there's no need to detail this.
Fastforward to 2008, still feeling crook, unable to function normally - don't quite know why, so after doing the rounds seeing all the local doctors, finally ended up back in the 'lady shrink's' office. No surprises - she Dx me with BPD again. Although I must add that I've also gained a few more labels since that first 2008 meeting with the 'lady shrink'.
Go back through my posts, and you'll find them easily.
Back to the topic: I have some BPD criteria, but not others. The BPD criteria that does fit my presentation fits like a glove, however, other parts of the BPD criteria bear absolutley no relation to my life whatsoever.
Each person presents with their very own version of BPD, and no two people will likely present with all the same symptoms or have exactly the same triggers.
In your post you mention that seeing attractive women seemingly generates intense feelings for you, then this is likely to be one of your (many) triggers.
I have triggers too, but excluding attractive women, because if my husband looked at another woman, I'd quickly hang a sign around his neck saying "free to good home - enquire within" . . . . . .lol. Actually, yes I would do this!
Even his former wife won't take him back, and I often joke with him and her sometimes about this too.
My triggers are to do with 'belonging', 'rejection', 'self-esteem', self/identity', 'cognition', and 'emotion', but my behaviour plays out differently to yours. I hope you may be beginning to see how 'some' of our triggers can be the same e.g. fear of rejection, but differs in the way we respond to it, internally through thougts and feelings, and externally through our behaviour.
This BPD business is one very interesting and facinating condition! And don't let anyone tell you something different, or make you feel like you're some freak - you're not . . . . . . . And if someone tries to give you the 'you're a freak' - then you will be able to intelligently ellucidate your superior BPD knowledge and put them right.
I would urge you to find a really great psychiatrist that you can slowly build a working relationship with, cause when you really need them in the middle of a serious decline, they then will already know your history. The other thing I've found out about 'shrink's is that they have the most amazing knowledge about pharmaceutical drugs, drug combinations, augmented therapy - i.e. where one drug is given, but another specific drug is used to enhance some particular aspect of the original drug - it's truly amazing. The 'shrink's have so much more knowledge and expertise in this than a general practitioner does. Which is not so unsurprising really.
Ok, I've rabbitted (talked) on enough for a while. Get reading, and please keep us posted. Please be gentle to yourself, look after your needs, and be with people who you feel good with.
All the best for now,
Waratah x x x
Last edited by waratah; 09-17-2008 at 09:11 AM.
09-17-2008, 06:23 AM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Long Island, NY
Re: New to the group - I just got diagnosed with BPD
Thank you so much for reading and responding to my post. Your kindness means so much to me! I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed to my boyfriend, my family, his family, etc. It is so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have this condition. But, I know that with proper help, support, and love, I will get better. Also, reading your posts, and the other people's posts, I feel I have made some lifelong friends as well, thank you!
When I read about the symtoms and how people with BPD act, I fit into these to a T except for the cheating, drug/alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts. If something sets me off, I will go into a panic, start crying, and obsess by asking him/them over and over, are you sure I am a good person, are you sure you don't want to be with anyone else, are you sure I do it for you, are you sure I am pretty enough for you, etc.. I have always had low self esteem, even as a child, and always felt worthless. The only time I felt I was 'good' was while having sex. I say to my boyfriend, that is where i 'Shine'. Don't get me wrong, I love sex (in our case making love), because of the love/emotional/spiritual connection we experience with one another as well as the physical connection. But..then I always ask afterward, 'was I good enough? Did i look okay?, etc.. It's so horrible that I have these thoughts. I also lack confidence in day to day things. I got my first guitar when I was 12 and I took guitar lessons. Well, I didn't keep up with them, or practice, because I wasn't sounding good yet, and even though you must practice to become good, I was too embarrassed and scared, even in front of my guitar instructor. However, I still have guitars this day, and basses, and I hope to goodness, I will start practicing, because even with this condition, my dream is to be in a band, and shine there too
Another question I have is if I do have to go onto meds, do you know how long people in general will have to be on them? Also, is anyone familiar with taking Lithium? I know the 'shrink' said I may have to go on it in the near future. How do they make you feel, and also, are there side effects?
With any meds, I don't want to gain weight, or lose my sex drive.
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