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Old 12-03-2008, 01:15 AM   #1
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BPD & Break-up.... Please Help!!

I am convinced that I have BPD. I can't believe I have gone this long without ever having been diagnosed.


My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago. I have lost my mind. I can't stop crying, haven't eaten in days, my heart is always racing super fast and it feels like there is something "empty" inside of me. These feelings get worse everyday. I was ok for the first little while, thinking everything would be fine but as the days go on it gets harder & harder to deal with. It's at the point where I have to drink myself to sleep, I am not a drinker.

I feel so abandoned. My mind is racing with all these thoughts. I am paranoid, self-loathing, just a total mess. I hacked his email & drive by his house late at night just to make sure there aren't any other cars in his driveway. My behavior is scary, even to myself.

I have been digging my nails deep into my flesh & scratching myself with random objects. Today I even drew blood.

I think I have always had symptoms of BPD. As a child I threw major temper tantrums, who am I kidding I am 22 and STILL have temper tantrums. I know why he left me. I wouldn't date me either. I am emotionally needy one moment & the next I am cold & just down right mean. We fight all the time. It got so bad that we rarely ever seen each other. Now when he has cut off ties with me, I have this feeling of NEEDING him. Like how a drug addict needs their drug of choice. I can't quench the feeling.

I am so broken inside. I feel like I can't live without him. I want another chance so bad. I know I can make it work. I want to make myself better. I need to make myself better.

I am trying so hard not to let him know what a nut job I am. A few days ago I was calling him non-stop crying, sending him emails & text messages. I think this only drives him further away. I need to stop. How do I deal with this? I cannot for the life of me make these feelings and crazy thoughts stop. I was thinking about going to see a doctor tomorrow, I don't want to live like this. However from what I've read there doesn't seem to be much help/hope for treating BPD. I wish there was a pill to take to make this go away. I know that I wont be able to stop these obsessive thoughts without help. What do I do? He doesn't deserve to be stalked & harassed. I know even though my heart is telling me that the only way to stop it is to get him back, that even this is not the answer. I need him back & I need help!!

 
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Old 12-03-2008, 01:47 AM   #2
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Re: BPD & Break-up.... Please Help!!

It is never wise to label yourself before you have been examined and diagnosed by a professional. Take yourself to a doctor or psychiatrist and get properly examined. Whatever your condition, you definitely need some help to get through the present situation. Do it soon before you get yourself into real trouble, or he has to get a restraining order (not a good look on your record). Best of luck, Sera

 
Old 12-03-2008, 02:14 AM   #3
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Re: BPD & Break-up.... Please Help!!

First of all I don't think you have BPD....and self diagnosing isn't helping you...you are using it as the reason for the way you are now acting or the reason you can't get over the love of your life. Your feelings are raw and you are hurt and it is normal for you to feel such pain....anyone would feel the hurt and everyone reacts differently. I think you are a bit hysterical and I think you think you need to cut on yourself or whatever you are doing but pretty much you are just very hurt and a nice anti anxiety medicine would help you through these rough days/weeks. However, if you do seek a doctor to talk to make it a mental health professional...psychiatrist or psychologist. They can help ease your way through this latest bad news...they can also assess and test you to see what if any psychiatric diagnosis you might have...if any. I am sorry you are going through a breakup with the boyfriend and just take one day at a time and keep yourself occupied to keep your mind off of things. Do some hard workouts or running to work off some of that angry energy it will help you get some sleep. However, from the information you have written you sound like someone with very normal reaction to a breakup with a long time love. Good luck.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 01:31 PM   #4
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Re: BPD & Break-up.... Please Help!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
First of all I don't think you have BPD....and self diagnosing isn't helping you...you are using it as the reason for the way you are now acting or the reason you can't get over the love of your life.
Everything I have read about BPD is me. Even without the pain of the break-up.

1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours. - This happens on a daily basis. I have highs & lows. One moments I am fine the next I am not.

2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable. - This is constant for me. Someone says the wrong thing & I snap. Loose control. I freak out on my own mother, usually for nothing at all.

3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once - I can't count the number of times I have though about suicide. After a rape when I was 16 I attempted to overdose, my mother found me passed out & I had my stomach pumped. The doctors diagnosed me with Social Phobia, Anxiety & Depression. I was put on anti-depressants, Paxil, it didn't help much. I self mutilate to cope with pain. My stomach is a mess of deep scratches. I burn my own legs.

4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior. - I always end up turning to drugs & alcohol when dealing with something I feel like I can't. After the rape it was cocaine. Now it's alcohol. I am also on and off again with eating disorders, one month I am bulimic, the next anorexic & then I can be fine for months. It's like I don't know who I am.

5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values - I have switched majors 3 times in the past 4 years. I tend to act like whoever I am with at that particular moment.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. - I always have an emptiness. A void. I have no friends, no life & I would say I am bored 90% of the time. This intensifies my feelings for needing him, I have nobody else.

7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting - Obviously from my original post I have chaotic relationships. We break up constantly. Usually he begs for me back. Not anymore. I can't handle it.

8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - Again this is obvious. I feel like my abandonment issues stem from my father leaving when I was a child.

Anyways I am going to a doctor today. I might even drive myself over to emergency if this continues. I can't take it.

 
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