i would realy really appreciate it if someone took the time out to actually read this
okay. i just really wanna set things straight. i feel like im going crazy inside. im literally driving myself insane and i would like to know whats wrong with me.
so im 16. and ive been feeling awful for the past few years ever since 7th grade. but just recently [last year i would say, when i was 15].. ive been feeling a lot worse. i feel completely empty and alone. i cut myself when im angry or sad. like, my friend wont text me one day when she says she will, and i flip out. but i dont tell her about it. i act like everything is okay because i do NOT want her to think im crazy and then leave me. i do anything to avoid her leaving me, even lying and pretending im okay. so i deal with the pain by cutting. i direct the anger towards myself. then i feel guilty for doing that. and worthless and helpless for not being able to stop myself, then i get angry that i feel that way and cut again.
the only time i show my anger is to my family. but when i do, its bad. whenever some one in my family makes me angry, i flip out. i could be the nicest person and they say one thing wrong and i snap. in the past, ive thrown things at them, slammed [and broke] my door, cursed them off, hit them, etc. but a few minutes later, an hour at most, and im fine. i thought this was normal, but its been happening more often and more intense than usual.
and i really hate myself. like really really really. i feel like im a failure and im losing control of everything and theres nothing i can do. but that i couldve prevented this and its all my fault. and im really really sensitive to criticism. anything that could be taken in a bad way, WILL be taken in a bad way. every time. if my friend doesnt talk to me for a day, she hates me. thats how i think.
i also just recently began smoking on impulse. and i have the most ridiculous diet routine thats been going on since 7th grade. sometimes, i wouldnt eat all day for like a week or two. then i would eat like crazy for a week or two. then i wouldnt eat again. and it just goes back and forth.
i know your not supposed to self diagnose and i also know im not 18 yet, but i just wanna know if theres a possibility i could have bpd (borderline). at first i really thought it was just depression, but the thing thats leading me towards bpd is because of how i act with my best friend and how i feel about fearing the thought of being alone.
see, sometimes i think she is literally the best person. like im infatuated by her and i envy her. and then when she does one thing wrong, i get mad. then i go into the cutting cycle and act like its all her fault. other times, i completely blame myself. to deal with this, i sometimes write out what i would say to her as if i was actually going to. and when i read it, i feel horrible that i ever said it, because i sound so mean and bitter and i blame her for everything. but i cant tell her how i feel because she'll think im crazy and leave me. and i will do anything to avoid her leaving me. even distancing myself from her which i have been doing lately. whenever shes away, like not physically with me, i doubt that she likes me. i always feel like she doesnt like me anymore. and its usually for no good reason. but i cant make myself believe that she does care about me when shes not actually with me.
see, i dont want to ask for help unless i KNOW that something is wrong with me. otherwise, ill feel stupid. its hard enough to even accept that i have a problem, let alone actually ask for help. =/ but if i know whats wrong with me, ill be more likely to get help. cause i tend to think that im fine and i can handle everything when obviously i cant. this has been going on for years now, and its not just some teenage thing. its every day of my life. and its tearing me apart.
could i have bpd, even though im only 16? are these the symptoms? could it be something else?