Can anyone please say something calming...
Maybe this is a hard question and I guess I should talk to my therapist, parents or friends but in the end no one seems to have time or takes an effort to really try to understand and help and in the end decisions I make are only mine like always. The only thing is that every decision I ever made seems wrong now, so I can't really trust myself anymore.
I'm 25 now, feel like I should have done some things by now that I haven't. Feel like I don't have any perspective and like a total looser failed at everything that would really matter. That's depression talking, of course, still there are some decisions I have to make, I have to do something although I feel to week to do anything.
My therapist usually asks: So what is real that you have to do in the next 2 weeks? And I know, but don't have the strength to do anything. I feel trapped in between many things I could do and not one seems good.
I have to finish my studies in the field of mathematical science because this is the diploma I'm closest to, but I don't have any interest in it at all anymore any the exams look to hard for me although I never ever failed one and have so far the average above 4.0. I'm so scared of learning because I might discover how incredibly stupid I really am and I don't know why that actually matters. And if I decide to finish it I have to go back to live with my parents which I haven't since I was 17 or 18 and it feels like failure.
I could continue to do jobs that don't fulfill me because I always feel like I can and must do more, the only thing is that I can't actually, but that's not something I can admit to myself and others.
If I do that, I will never finish my education, but does it matter at all if being mathematical engineer or master or whatever couldn't get me the job I would really enjoy.
It feels like I have to make some decisions now because otherwise I will end up being no one and hating myself even more than I do now, because being older I would expect even more of myself.
I hate it if I sound aforethought, sorry for writing such a long text.
Maybe they should just hospitalize me, since I can't take care of myself, but that would just make me run to show I can which will make me unhappy in the end.