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Old 03-15-2009, 08:33 AM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Zagreb, Croatia
Posts: 24
Glorija HB User
Can anyone please say something calming...

Hi.
Maybe this is a hard question and I guess I should talk to my therapist, parents or friends but in the end no one seems to have time or takes an effort to really try to understand and help and in the end decisions I make are only mine like always. The only thing is that every decision I ever made seems wrong now, so I can't really trust myself anymore.

I'm 25 now, feel like I should have done some things by now that I haven't. Feel like I don't have any perspective and like a total looser failed at everything that would really matter. That's depression talking, of course, still there are some decisions I have to make, I have to do something although I feel to week to do anything.

My therapist usually asks: So what is real that you have to do in the next 2 weeks? And I know, but don't have the strength to do anything. I feel trapped in between many things I could do and not one seems good.

I have to finish my studies in the field of mathematical science because this is the diploma I'm closest to, but I don't have any interest in it at all anymore any the exams look to hard for me although I never ever failed one and have so far the average above 4.0. I'm so scared of learning because I might discover how incredibly stupid I really am and I don't know why that actually matters. And if I decide to finish it I have to go back to live with my parents which I haven't since I was 17 or 18 and it feels like failure.

I could continue to do jobs that don't fulfill me because I always feel like I can and must do more, the only thing is that I can't actually, but that's not something I can admit to myself and others.
If I do that, I will never finish my education, but does it matter at all if being mathematical engineer or master or whatever couldn't get me the job I would really enjoy.

It feels like I have to make some decisions now because otherwise I will end up being no one and hating myself even more than I do now, because being older I would expect even more of myself.

I hate it if I sound aforethought, sorry for writing such a long text.
Maybe they should just hospitalize me, since I can't take care of myself, but that would just make me run to show I can which will make me unhappy in the end.

 
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Old 03-15-2009, 09:36 AM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Washington
Posts: 216
zhope HB User
Re: Can anyone please say something calming...

Glorija,
You do sound like you are experiencing depression and it can be pretty hard to make decisions in that state. Let me ask: Are you on medications and do you feel your therapist is helping you? All of the feelings you are expressing are those of someone who seems depressed with low self esteem. It sounds like maybe you might want to try a different therapist or, if you go to church, talk to a pastor and perhaps get some spiritual guidance. It sounds like what you are looking for is not necessarily all the "right" answers regarding what to do with your studies, but for some peace in your heart and to be easy on--even to love--yourself and to know that you are fundamentally ok and valuable and worthwhile--no matter what decisions you make.

You church, or perhaps learning meditation, might help you with this. SLowing down and just accepting what is for awhile, and not struggling so hard.

I don't know if that helps, but I think something deeper is what you are seeking. Once finding that, it will help with the surface level questions of what to do.

You are 25, TRUST ME, in this day and age you are still VERY young. Just beginning adulthood. Don't be hard on yourself regarding your age. The fact that you are in therapy and trying to figure things out at your age (where most people wait until in their 30's) is a good thing and puts you ahead of many others.

all the best.

Last edited by zhope; 03-15-2009 at 09:38 AM.

 
Old 03-15-2009, 11:03 AM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Zagreb, Croatia
Posts: 24
Glorija HB User
Re: Can anyone please say something calming...

Zhope, thank you so much for answering.

I've been struggling with depression since I was 18 so it's not that strange I'm working on finding myself and things that would make me happy and run a fulfilled life instead of just being hard to myself and all that care for me.

I've been on different kind of medication, now I've been diagnosed for Bipolar and Borderline and take antidepressant Moclobemidum along with Clonazepamum when needed. It doesn't seem helpful nor does my current therapist, although he's really the best I could find, since other are just old school. But I don't think I'm doing as much as I can for treatment of this illness. Sometimes I can't make myself do the simple phone call, get out of the apartment but in the end I have to because I want to feel better, I don't want to feel like this.

I know what you're saying, try to go easy on myself, still there is so much other expect from me and this is really hard.
I've learned so far that I can and I must no matter what.
And also, I know there are deeper issues involved and things that really matter...which was for me: people that I care for and helping others in any way I can.

But those damn mood changes make me distance from my friends and prevent me from making any kind of new connections, relationships and so on. Which of course makes me focus on my career cuz somehow I think that's something I can control. But it turns out that's also not true and there is nothing I can control.
I lack humility again. Faith issues. Anyways, thanks.

Gloria

 
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