Hail all. I would really appreciate it if anyone can help or advise me. I am a 19yr old female, and recently my psychiatrist told me that I have an anxiety disorder with BPD traits, so first I just want to give a brief outline of my history.
From the age of 8/9 I was sexually abused by a relative. This carried on for about a year or two. I see this person everyday, so I am constantly reminded about those events. I always thought that I provoked it, that I was also a culprit, I only realized that what had happened to me was abuse at the age of 15. Ever since then everything in my life changed. I started smoking and drinking and getting high and having sex, all in one year. I don't think that I am promiscious, but I do fall in love waayyy too easy.
When I like someone, I constantly think about a relationship with this person and how wonderful it would be, but when I evetually get there, I always sabotage my own relationship, because in a sense I like pain, emotional or physical. I manipulate people and I tell so many lies that I don't even know what the truth is anymore.
I cut myself almost everyday, yesterday I had to get stitches, the doctor said I may lose my hand, because I went to the hospital too late. I have also been in the hospital for OD-ing on my anti-deppresants. The doctor said it was a miracle that I survived that.
I don't have rage problems, though I am quick to anger, but only in a verbal sense. I always ask people useless questions, like "why do you like me?" or "Who do you think is the prettiest girl in our class?", praying it would be me.
Sometimes I feel like I am better than everyone, that they are all just idiotic slaves to the community, and other times I feel so worthless, like I just want to die. This is why I find it difficult to commit suicide, I don't always want to die, but when I want to, the sad emotions are waaay to strong.
I often use people, not on purpose, i'm not that cruel, it just sorta happens....and then it becomes a habit. I'm also constantly bored, always seeking excitement, but my lust never being satisfied.
I seriosly still don't feel like I have a problem, isn't it human nature to crave new and interesting things? Most harm that is done, is done to myself, but thats ok, because I am a masochist. I just want to if anyone else feels like me, it just feels as if the whole world is turned against me. I know this could also just be my paranoia, but I feel misunderstood.
Some high points:
1. I have an average of 75 for this past semester, studying law
2. I recently moved out of my house, thriving in my independance
Hello sadomasogis. What if your psychiatrist is correct about you having one of the anxiety disorders? At your age one of the normal reactions is denial and you may also feel like you do not have a problem.
The way you feel about yourself and your life may also be the results of the trauma that you spoke of. Self blame is also normal. The whole world has not turned against you, just the ones that did this to you. I know this will be hard, but please be patient.
I just really want to know if all this is just in my head, maybey just because they told me I have BPD, I started to convince myself I do, and so I display what is expected of someone with BPD. I have been on Risperdal for a week now, but are meds effective with this type of disorder?? I am a open person and whenever I go to my therapist I always tell the truth, but still it doesn't seem like they (the professionals) ubnderstand me. I also engage in obsessive behaviour, so I constantly over think things.
Be who you are. You do not have to act a certain way or be someone you are not. Meds affect us different ways, so you may have wait a little to see if it helps you. Its ok to ask your therapist questions also. You have to be comfortable with them.
Hi S, I am not sure, but you may be putting too much emphasis on the diagnosis. Forget the diagnosis. What matters is that you find a professional and get a very good relationship with that person. Why?
Because long term studies of what works have found that what matters is not the type of therapy or anything else: it is the relationship that matters.
Interview dozens of psychologists (I prefer them to psychiatrists) but find a good one that you can relate to, and then push therapy.
And if you need more information, there are a lot of books on how to find a helping relationship. Here are some Guidebooks to Psychotherapy:
"A Guide to Psychotherapy" by Gerald Amada (Ballantine 1995).
"Coping with Choosing a Therapist: a Young Person's Guide to Counseling and Psychotherapy" by Margaret E. Backman (NY: Rosen, 1994).
"The Consumer's Guide to Psychotherapy" by Jack Engler and David Goleman
(NY: Simon & Schuster, 1992).
"Rating Your Psychotherapist" by Robert Langs (NY: H. Holt, 1989).
"How to choose and use the right therapist for you" by Jean and Jim Erwin (Kansas City : Sheed Andrews and McMeel, c1978).
"Reach for joy : how to find the right therapist and therapy for you" by Lynne D. Finney (Freedom, CA : Crossing Press, c1995).
"Finding the right counselor for you" by Edward J. Rydman (Dallas: Taylor Pub. Co., 1989).
A guide to psychotherapy by Saul I. Harrison and Donald J. Carek. (Boston, Little, Brown 1966).
HELP : a guide to counseling and therapy without a hassle / Jane Marks.
(New York : Messner, 1976).
The Gift of Therapy: An open letter to a new generation of therapists and their patients by Irvin Yalom. 288 pages.
There are even a couple of diaries entitled:
"Impersonal intimacy : the story of an adolescent's psychotherapy as viewed by both the patient and the therapist" by Norma G. Norriss (Scottsdale, AZ : Sahuaro Press, c1998).
“Every Day Gets A Little Better: a Twice Told Therapy” by Irvin D. Yalom and Ginny Elkin
(Basic Books, 1974).
From what you've described of your behavior it certainly sounds like your psychiatrist is correct in his/her diagnosis.
If you can, continue working with your psychiatrist or find one who specializes in BPD. I have heard that meds do not work. They may help a bit for the anxiety but not for the BPD traits.
I've heard that there are specific behavioral therapies which work particularly well with BPD/traits. This means that you could waste valuable time if you go another route and find a therapist who you may like but who is unaware of this specialty and how it is best treated.
In my case, I have 8/9 for criteria for BPD, medication helps slow my thoughts down so I am able to see and process what the person is saying before I answer. DBT has shown success with people with BPD. The best thing that you can do is go through your thoughts and see if they are appropriate to the situation or just to serve your own need, it takes some time and a lot of work but recovery is possible
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder