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Old 10-25-2009, 05:21 PM   #1
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bobnewtons HB User
my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

Hi

I don't want to cry about my many problems, but I need help from people who are suffering from the same illnesses that I am,

I was originally diagnosed as having schizoaffective disorder but have been reassessed and now my current illnesses are OCD, Depression, Anxiety and Schizotypical personality disorder,

I can just cope with the depression and anxiety with medication but the OCD and Schizotypical personality disorder and the many drugs I'm on to keep these two under control have destroyed my artistic abilities and my motivation,

I was told I would have schizotypical disorder for the rest of my life, at the time I was told this I didn't really think much about it, but now after nearly 4 weeks of being diagnosed Its really began to hit me hard and its making my depression worse,

I used to have a transgendered problem but I managed to get over that after dealing with it from the age of 6 to 28, I'm nearly 32 (next month November)

The drugs help keep me stable I don't get explosive bursts of creative idea's or fantasies anymore but when I've tried going off the drugs, Solian (amsilpride) and seroquel, My mind just goes absolutely crazy its like I've been strapped to the front of a locomotive thats out of control racing down a hill at 2000 miles an hour, then and even now that I'm back on the drugs I get really bad intrusive thoughts, really bad ones, you name it sick stuff crazy wild mad insane thoughts that makes my anxiety go crazy and I'm taking Valium, Zanax or Xanax and muralex for the anxiety,

sorry if this message seems a little all over the place my mind is in a really big mess,

I'm not suicidal but I often wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up, but then there's another problem my dreams are really disturbing me to the point that I wake up in a pool of sweat,

I suppose the worse thing about all these problems is that I want to get back to my youthful self again, I started smoking weed in 2005 until last November and since then only smoked it for a few days in between, it doesn't have the same effect on me anymore not like it used to,
I feel trapped that I'm never going to get out of this horrible cycle of ups and downs and all the crazyness that goes on in between,

I've just taken out a loan and purchased a $13,000 pc system with all the pros to get back into my animation, video/audio editing and other creations but I just can't do anything when I sit in front of this mega machine,

I haven't had a partner for over 11 years now and I'm living with my parents for whom I love more than anything else in this world,

I feel really emotional when I hear sad songs and think about John Lennon and George Harrison and what might of been had John not being killed by that *edit* chapman

I get scared that my parents will die before I get better and I'll be left here on this stuffed up planet for the rest of my life.

I don't really know how long I've had these illnesses for, I used to be really fit and healthy, now since being put on meds in 2005 I've gained about 40kg, I had lap banding in March this year but so far it hasn't worked, I try and tell the doctor who done the op that its these meds I'm on that stop me from losing weight and I dread going into his office every 3-6 weeks for a refil of the lap band, because I know they are going to tell me, just eat small meals, nothing too big, But I feel hungry all the time,

I just don't know what to do anymore, Life seems to have ripped my soul apart, I feel like a failure like a waste of space, Why can't I just go into a coma and wake up in good shape with a clear mind and all these demons in my head taken away,

I'm not religious but if there is a devil or god its like they are playing a game of tug of war inside my head, I don't know which way is right way to pull,
Also around the age of 27 I started smoking ciggys, I smoke about 30+ a day and I worry about getting cancer but then there's another part of me that doesn't care,

Thanks for reading my post
Its Greatly appreciated
bobnewtons

Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 10-26-2009 at 10:14 AM. Reason: language

 
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Old 10-27-2009, 04:47 PM   #2
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thaabit HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

Seroquel is probably what's making you hungry and overweight. Being hungry all the time will make you feel unsatisfied / unsatisfiable.

I know you have a million other problems you're dealing with. Wish I knew what else to say that would help you. But I'd think about getting off the seroquel.

 
Old 10-28-2009, 09:08 PM   #3
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bobnewtons HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

Thanks for replying to my message thaabit greatly appreciated,
I would like to come off the seroquel but I'm afraid that if I do my imagination will start racing again, and the thoughts and idea's will hit me so fast I'll feel like I would be going out of my mind, that's probably the main reason why I take the stuff it seems to deaden the impact of the racing thoughts,

I suppose I shouldn't of said that the pills have killed my imagination, they do when I take them but not when I don't take them, so the title to this topic is a little bit suspect.

I didn't mean to mislead anyone there, I just get all mixed up at times and it seems like my fingers totally bypass the part of my brain that makes me stop and think what I'm typing and its just a direct link between my fingers and crazy mind, no manager in between,

I suppose what I really would like to know is, is there anyone else out there in crazy land who has schizotypical personality disorder, and if so how do you deal with it, does it drive you mad in the sense that you will most likely have it for the rest of your life,
and also how does it affect relationships,

I'm sure I had it 11 years ago when I had my first girl friend, I loved the fact that I was in a relationship but I wasn't in love with the girl, it was a sexual relationship also which complicated things and she had been in detox so for the next 2 years after I broke up with her I was worried sick that I might of caught HIV or AIDS, I eventually took the test and lucky for me I got the all clear,

I'd like to meet another girl but I'm scared that this illness will get in the way and destroy it, so like I said before if anyone else has this illness and are in a relationship how does it affect you and your partner,

Maybe I'm making mountains out of a mole hill with this diagnosis, but It does get me down sometimes because I've read what the side effects of having this illness can be,

well thanks for reading this long and boring post
greatly appreciated

 
Old 01-17-2010, 12:35 PM   #4
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AmVan HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

Hi. It sounds like your medication isn't working for you. Lithium used to take away the creative side of me. I think a mix of meds does too.

I am schizoaffective and have borderline personality disorder, depersonalization and derealization disorders They really loaded me up with the DXes. I understand they're going to do away with the classification of schizoaffective and be DXed as schizophenic. That upset me too for a few months. It's like my husband says, I'm no different now than I was before the new label.

I'm sorry you're so out of control. The train scenario is a good discription of what I feel at times. Continue being strong! I don't think I'd be functioning without a spiritual guidance, though. Best of luck to you and I just said a prayer for you! AmVan

 
Old 02-02-2010, 10:23 AM   #5
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AmVan HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

I take Geodon as an antipsychotic and it helped me loose a lot of weight. Talk to your pdoc about it.

 
Old 02-02-2010, 11:03 AM   #6
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maichloe HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

i am also using seroqual , i have bipolar . i have noticed even if i miss one tablet i have awful nightmares and horrilble thoughts , it really does scare me .Since i have been on it i have put on 28lb and also feel hungry all the time .

 
Old 02-02-2010, 01:00 PM   #7
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AmVan HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

I was on seroqual too but I was taking a lot of other stuff too like ambien (which takes away the effect of seroqual) and a ton of other psychiatric drugs. My pdoc at the time wasn't too up on medicating. Anyway I was so fat then I don't know if it was the seroqual or not. Probably it was one of them. I had a hard time coming off of it because I absolutly could not sleep through for about a year. From there I went to ambien which gave me tardive dyskeniasa and now I'm on Geodon which I like because it made me loose about 25lbs! You might ask your pdoc about it. It's not without its side affectives, though.

It's bad enough that we all have our illnesses, you'd think we wouldn't have to put up with the dangerous side affects. I should be grateful, I guess. Psychiatry has come along way since I was DXed 35 years ago!

AmVan: Schizoaffective, BPD, Derealization and Depersonalizaion disorders.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 04:24 PM   #8
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AnotherDayDone HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmVan View Post
I was on seroqual too but I was taking a lot of other stuff too like ambien (which takes away the effect of seroqual) and a ton of other psychiatric drugs. My pdoc at the time wasn't too up on medicating. Anyway I was so fat then I don't know if it was the seroqual or not. Probably it was one of them. I had a hard time coming off of it because I absolutly could not sleep through for about a year. From there I went to ambien which gave me tardive dyskeniasa and now I'm on Geodon which I like because it made me loose about 25lbs! You might ask your pdoc about it. It's not without its side affectives, though.

It's bad enough that we all have our illnesses, you'd think we wouldn't have to put up with the dangerous side affects. I should be grateful, I guess. Psychiatry has come along way since I was DXed 35 years ago!

AmVan: Schizoaffective, BPD, Derealization and Depersonalizaion disorders.
EXACTLY!! It's not fair. I've had some horrible effects, so not only am I suffering from BPD as well as many other illnesses, I have to have uncontrollable jerking, blurred vision, nightmares, nightsweats, just to name a few! I'm going to find a cure someday.

 
Old 07-17-2010, 12:36 PM   #9
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Betsy1234567 HB User
Re: my medications have destroyed my imagination and motivation

Hi, my diagnosis changes from doctor to doctor and now they are saying most likely I am bipolar, but I can relate to the experiences you describe. One thing is for sure, without medication I am * crazy. I used to be a highly productive, creative human being who was independent living in NYC. Now at thirty, I am mentally ill and live with my parents, whom I also love more than anything in this world. I also fear the day that they will be gone. I hope and pray that over the years, I will heal from all this, since it was triggered by trauma. This is not who I am! I want to write books and have a family. I wanted to know if there were others in a similar position. I just wanted to share with you. Thank you for posting.

Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 07-17-2010 at 07:24 PM. Reason: language

 
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