"Messed Up" doesn't even describe it
So, I saw a therapist earlier this year. I BEGGED him to tell me what was wrong with me. But, he thinks I just lack confidence. While I admit that is an issue, it just seems so small when I take into consideration all of my flaws. I don't really have friends partially because I have extreme social anxiety. I was mentally killing myself in preparation in going to the local community college last week. I did end up going, but the lady working in the financial aid office pointed out I forgot to sign some of the forms, which I found highly embarressing.
Anyway, I'm still angry at my therapist for not providing more insight, and just being "positive." That's another thing, I get angry at nearly everything. A lot of people say stupid crap that just pisses me off, and then I momentarily fantasize about bashing their heads into a hard object, if only to teach them a valuable lesson. My eye twitches constantly because I am so irritable.
And, I don't know if it is the constant isolation, anxiety, or whatever, but I seem to have problems verbalizing what I want to say/type. A lot of times I am at a loss as to how to finish a sentence. In many instances, it just comes out awkwardly.
Then, I have this overwhelming dark "urge" (we'll just call it self-harm) that manifests itself when I feel I have done something awkward, strange, or unacceptable in a social situation. I really do find my life pointless and wonder why I should continue to rise every morning. It seems so exhausting.
I always laugh at the notion of God because I find it strange why he would make such an awkward, ineffectual, angry, pointless being such as myself. Everyday I wish I was somebody else (not just anybody), as I KNOW there are individuals out there more superior than me.
I get so furious and nihilistic sometimes that I truly think I have lost any connection to human normalcy. Does anyone have any insight?
Re: "Messed Up" doesn't even describe it
Em I think the first problem is that you are looking for there to be something wrong, a great many people do this and despite the initial relief that is felt problems arise when these people start to go on medication. Medication should always be the last resort or at least for the most part depending on the specific sictuation.
Moving on however to what you have written; it seems that yes, confidence or rather the lack of it may indeed be a large problem for you but luckily however there are many great books and websites in which can help you build this up and of course there is always a therapist.
More important I feel is the anger issue. People who say that they have problems with anger tend to mean that they express anger in their daily lives, more often or not in a physical sense. However this isn't the only type of anger issue, some people much like yourself keep there anger to themselves and it screems inside their heads growing worse and scarier for the person experiancing it. This is a problem that isn't too uncommon and so help is available.
My advice for you is to go to a different doctor and ask to see a therapist (when speaking to the doctor focus on the anger issue), once you are reffered then your therapist will give you advice and excercises to do in order to build up your confidence and deal with the anger.
Over time all will come clear and you can live life peacefully knowing that you are exactly who you are, that you are capable of all that you are capable of and that your own likes and dislikes make up just who you are.
Re: "Messed Up" doesn't even describe it
Thanks for the reply. And FYI I only take out my anger physically at inanimate objects, I know that is sort of a gateway, but it just wells up inside me and I need a form of release. I just recently learned that those afflicted with social anxiety also have anger issues.
About medication, I agree it should be the last resort, or close to it. But I feel at 24 close to being 25, that I might need to consider it again soon. I've been on a wide variety of meds, and none of them have really helped. At the same time, I'm not sure what other solutions lay beyond them.
I'm attending college for the first time tomorrow (only two classes), and I feel this intense trepidation. What will others think of me? Will I somehow act like a fool? These are the kinds of questions going through my head right now.
Anyway, I appreciate the reply, I want to write more but I probably should get some sleep.
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