Newbie here. I've been reading about BPD and bought a 300 pg book and I'm REALLY relating to the behavior, yet suprised that I just now figured this out at age 40. If I indeed do have it. I hate to self diagnose. This is what happened...
I've been single for 15+ years since I divorced and was in a very dysfunctional relationship. I used to go bulistic on my ex and be very mean and verbally abusive, we were young and I was insecure and jealous.. As he was too. As years have gone by, I have stayed out of "real" relationships. I've had many sexual partners though, and If I call them they come - I'm in control. I thought many of my issues were healed with time and life, although I would like to have someone special, no one "good enough" came along.
I recently started a relationship with my boss, and although it started out as fun, it turned extremely toxic fast. I was extremely uncomfortable at work, would go into jealous rages, and then verbally assault him for hours then want him to have sex with me. He was very loving and paitent with me, but I could not open up to him or get close. I would tell him I am leaving him and then the next day want him back. He pointed out many times how I see everything in black and white - no gray. He also said things like he is always walking on eggshells, and he cannot make me happy at work or home (except in bed) so he ended it. He was very caring and thoughtful and he told me that he felt like truely I am the one who ended it because all I did was push him away.
Before this relationship, I felt okay. I had a lot of stress at work due to immense responsibility, projects, pay cuts, etc. I also would get depressed and feeling lonely and empty intermittently. I have long standing relationships with about 4 close girlfriends, and have held jobs and worked my way up the ladder. I do have dysfunctional stormy and distant relationships with my mom, sister, and son, and I think my mom and my son who is 20 may also have BPD. I have been addicted to pain pills, and will abuse alchohol when I am depressed or just partying. When I get mad at someone I love, I tell them to F*off and sometimes dont speak to them for months. Others, I have problems saying "no." I always noticed I could see issues from both sides, but now I feel like a walking contradiction.
Something I have noticed as well is that after work, I space out a lot. I can sit in front of TV for hours, but never see anything that happened, I'm inside my head. I also get stuck on the same thought process and can't let it go.
I just figured this all out in the last say month. I did start counseling (original referral was to help with work stress) and I just started Zoloft 4 days ago because I am really sad and depressed that my BF/boss broke it off and that I have all of these issues and that I really care for him but pushed him away. He's a great guy, very caring and romantic, has his stuff together in so many ways.
I hope someone has some advise for me. I really really want to fix myself. I'm trying so hard not to go back to my old ways and call a booty call over here to make the pain go away.
Thanks for listening Sorry about the length... "D"
I suffer from BPD and have done since I was 12 even though I was only diagnosed with it in November last year. BPD isn't easy to diagnose or fast to diagnose either it is all about your history over a year that is really looked into for the diagnosis.
Have you visited any doctor about this in the past?
Although self diagnosis can sometimes be helpful BPD is quiet simular to Bi-PD (Bipolar Disorder) which makes it hard to diagnose quickly.
I suggest you go and explain this to your doctor and if your like me and have a memory like a goldfish just print out the page and take it with you for them to read it. The earlier you go to get professional help the quicker they can get to the bottom for you.
I am (as you can see from my signature) on mood stablizers and ADs and TBH they are so much of a help. I still have the odd episode but the tablets make it easier to cope with and prevent.
It took my pdoc about 3 years to dx me with BPD instead of Bipolar. I'm now DXed as schioaffective. (I didn't know it took so long to dx, thanks for the info). my tdoc says "I/You" see things as black and white. I hope to learn more. It seems difficult to understand. I'm in theraphy for it (Dialectical Behavioral Theraphy) and it helps a lot
I also have depersonalization and derealization issues. I'm loaded up with the DXes but the theraphy helps with it all. I hope you level out! I too can watch TV and not know what I'm watching. I do the same thing listing to people too. I wouldn't necessarily think that would be a BPD issue.
I have an issue with my girlfriend at the moment, she shut down and will not and has not spoken one single word to me in 8 weeks, I have been to a Psych and been told my gf more than likely has BPD.
She could not get enough of me in the beginning and was obsessed with me, wanted me to tell her I loved her after one week. I then had to tell her all the time every day, when I did tell her she would say I did not love her I did not care about her etc, then she started to say she hated me then an hour later asked if I loved her and started say she missed me etc.
Basically it was up / down and push/pull all the time. She said she started to fall in love with me then said she was having ''strange'' feelings which scared her, anyhow, we where getting along great and she was talking about us being together for a long time, next things she send me an email saying she did not love me and she did not even like me, she has refused to answer my call or messages or even speak to me from that day to this.
I was near her house on Friday night, I bought her flowers and knocked on the door, she would not open it, just kept saying sorry, said she cannot see my face and I cannot see her like this, like what I asked but got no answer. I left the flowers there and drove away. Still not heard from her.
The thing is I read everywhere tha Borderlines cannot stand to be alone, they either suck the partner back in or move on to the next, she has done neither, I notice in your post that you said you told people to F**off and would not speak to them for months, was that friends or boyfriends, did you just find the next guy and move on, did you stay alone for a few months? Hope you dont mind my questions but I love this girl so much and would do anything to get her back, any advise you can offer or any similar scenarios to yourself would be so much appreciated
The idea that Borderlines can't stand to be alone is not true in every
case, especially mine. Some of us tend to be loners and have no problem with being alone. Actually some of us desire a relationship but will push others away when we feel that we can no longer "control" this situation.
Control is a big issue for us. We have to feel that we are the ones exerting the power in the relationship and calling the shots or it's just a waste of time.
It seems that your girlfriend felt insecure with you and uncertain of her power over you, she felt as though she wasn't getting that emotional response from you to satisify her insecurities and called it quits. Why she felt that way, only she can say, but many people with BDP are rather flighty and unpredictible at times. I hate to say it, but sometimes you have to be over the top when expressing your love to the BDP person, otherwise they will get the sense that you don't care.
Some BDP's struggle through and will do anything to hold on to that failing "relationship" even when they know in their heart and minds that they would be better off moving on, then those like myself will feel that we are not getting anything of value out of this situation and cut it off.
I don't know about other BDP's out there, but I tend to attract needy men, maybe because I tend to be sort of aloof and emotionally distant. Where as some BDP's are the opposite and tend to be emotionally needy, and attract people who are emotionally distant which is why you have read that they can't stand to be alone.
I have the exact symptoms and I went to my therapist and pdr and told them so and they both just agreed, just like that. I had bought a biography about bpd, a suggestion from a very close friend, and every single page was me. It was shocking.
I've been on various meds and am in therapy and it's not helping one bit. I see black and white, no grey. I love and hate to an extreme and this changes throughout the day. I cling then push away. I have ruined relationships with friends, lovers and family and I don't care. I like to be the boss, trust no one and must feel in control at all times. I hide my faults and various other things. I'm a loner but crave affection some days like a drug. Yes it is sad and confusing, you are so right.
I hope and pray you find out your Dx soon and get on a plan for treatment. One that works for you!